SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would like any input from both the WS's and the BS's. I have heard a lot of people talking about healing yourself, but not burdening your BS with your issues. I understand this, and the last thing I want is for my H to have to deal with my crap. I have given him more then one person should have to bear.

So how do you start really looking inside yourself, and figuring out what changed about you to make you cheat? And then figure out where to go from there. I don't even know how I became this person. I just know I want to be better. I honestly don't know how to get there.

I don't know how to get my husband through this either. I know he doesn't deserve for me to fall apart. But then he doesnt think I'm doing enough, and I'm sure I'm not (I don't even know how to scratch the surface). I asked him what else he needs and he doesn't seem to know. He has access to everything, and we talk all the time, but he needs more. I'm going to move, and quit my job, but I know that's not enough.

How can I help him figure out what he needs? How do we start the healing process??

I don't know your story or what you have tried so far so forgive me if I am telling you things you have already done/know.

I think books are helpful (for me). After the Affair and especially Not Just Friends were helpful. I have heard about other couples reading them together and using them to start productive conversations.

IC and MC. For both of you. It is important that you find someone that you trust, and is knowledgable about affairs. Not all therapists are. You will also only get out of it what you put into it. If you lie, omit or try to put only your best face forward (we call it positive impression management) then you won't get anywhere.

When dealing with your BS you cannot become defensive. If you feel yourself becoming defensive let him know. Agree to come back to it when you are less defensive. He needs to be able to vent, express his pain and anger and for you to witness it. He needs you to empathize with him. He needs you to understand the depth of the pain that your actions are causing him. He needs to feel heard, understood and appreciated. (You do too but it isn't your turn yet).

I haven't read it but there is a book for WS about helping your BS to heal. Posting here is very helpful too.

This is only the beginning.

Good luck to both of you.

So how do you start really looking inside yourself, and figuring out what changed about you to make you cheat?

I'm going to try to answer this question although right now I think I am doing this somewhat haphazardly.

What I have been doing is: 1. journaling

2. reading self help books

3. going to IC (and being completely honest even when it is uncomfortable)

4. Reading SI and reflecting on the different posts

5. Thinking about my BH's questions and answering them honestly (alot of times his questions challenge me and get me to think)

6. Reading my journals from way back when

7. Trying to remember who I was (what did I like, what did my friends say about me, what were my faults).

8. I have been looking for patterns in my life which may have contributed to me having an A (unhealthy relationships, etc)

9. I have been exploring my mindset and looking for distorted/skewed thoughts I had that allowed cheating to be okay.

10. Exploring my FOO issues

In terms of helping my BH-I try to just follow his lead and give him space when he needs or reassurance when he needs (sometimes he is able to verbalize this, sometimes I ask, and sometimes I have to guess because in that moment he may not know).

Above all, hang in there because healing from infidelity can be a very long process-when you are feeling down or discouraged do something to renew your strength (I like to post on SI, call a friend, read a self help book or meditate).

When was d-day?

To help him you need to give him a timeline. Dont remember the dates? Think about it. You'll be surprsied how close you can get. Tell him you love him. Tell him WHY you love him. What is his love language? He needs to find out(there's an online test) and you need to do your best to accomodate him. Later,after he's had some time to process what's happened he needs to learn your love language. It will help with R. You need to be honest about everything. EVERYTHING. If you had a cheeseburger for lunch,dont tell him you had a hamburger. That kind of honest. Answer all of his questions without being defensive,or angry,and without blaming him. Regardless of the problems in the marriage you chose to cheat. You are responsible for your actions. Drop your friends that knew about your affair but kept your secret. I know this is a touchy subject for you,but it needs to be done. You cant expect your BH to be ok with these people still having a place in his life.

It takes time. But it's what you do with that time that matters.

Read SI. Read the JFO forum. It's painful,but it will give you a better idea of what your husband is dealing with and will help you understand what he needs.

Post on the R forum.

Im sure others will come along with more great advice.

[This message edited by confused615 at 7:42 PM, July 12th (Thursday)]

Individiual Counseling.....Marriage Counseling.....Staring in the mirror and asking yourself tough questions and digging forthe answers with help from your IC.....thats a start.....

Thank you for the advice. I have been going to IC for a while but just recently started being honest. I have an appointment this afternoon.

My H, and I have been going to MC for 3 weeks now. It's not alwys easy, but I think it's helpful. She feels a marriage can be stronger then ever after an A. That gives me hope.

I know there isn't a quick fix. I have read so many posts that talk about years before they start to heal. I will give him the time he needs, and will support him in any way I can.

I realized last night that I am expecting too much too fast. I think he may be also. We have moments when I feel we are closer and happier then we ever have been. Then something happens, or I say or do something that triggers him back into reality. Or he reads something that brings back to the betrayel.

I see him stuggling within himself to come to terms with all of this. It's like a personal battle he has with himself between loving me and hating me. He says he forgives me, but how is that even possible? I don't forgive myself.

He is a much better person then me, which in all honesty I have never thought until the the last few weeks. When he talks to me sometimes I can't even look him in the eyes. I know he thinks it's because I'm disinterested, but that could not be farther from the truth. I am embarrased, and disqusted with myself. But more then that I sometimes can not bear to see the hurt I have caused this man, and the love in his eyes is so undeserved. I almost want to scream that he should run as far away as possible. Then at the very next moment I am terrified he will realize that I am truly not worthy of him and leave...

I know how selfish this sounds. He deserves me to suck it up, and face what I have done to him..

Okay, I think I am dont with my pity party... for now..

BB40,

I cheated because I was bored with my marriage, I know that is an excuse. I became so involved with the OM that I thought I no longer loved my husband and I was no longer happy. I was in the fog for a year!!! Until I had NC with the OM which meant quitting my job. The best thing I ever did.

Once I was out of the fog everything came easier. I started being more affectionate to my BS, making him the center of my world, being his best friend, answering all questions about the A openly, honestly and being totally transparent. I hope this helps.

Bobcat5 yes it does thank you. I am quitting my job, and we are moving. I have had NC with the OM. I am a teacher so I'm off for the summer. We are just trying to figure out insurance before I do. I'm going to try and take leave until his insurance goes into effect.

I'm hoping when we move it will be more of a fresh start. He will not be faced with the triggers which we are both hopeful will help him heal.

So how do you start really looking inside yourself, and figuring out what changed about you to make you cheat?

I think you might be a little off in where you are looking here. It was probably always inside you, but some circumstances lined up to eventually lead to it. Maybe try thinking about when it started and why you thought it was either a good idea, or okay. That may help you find what it is you are looking for and need to work on.

Or maybe not, see my tagline for details.

I grew up with a mother that cheated. When she got caught she blamed my stepfather for invading her privacy. He put a recorder on the phone. She truly believed she was the victim. So funny (ironic) to think back to that now. She had so many people believing she had been wronged..

I swore then that I would never be like her. I thought despite her bad decisions I would be different. Marriage was sacred, and when you committed you commtted for life.

What the hell happened to that person?? For 16 years I held to this belief, no matter how bad I thought things were. I felt guilty if I talked to a guy and felt any kind of attraction. I would never cross the line.. Until one day I did...And for a year and a half I felt perfectly justified to have casual sex with someone that I didn't care enough about to have a meal with. I could go months without texting him. hell I could go months without running into him at work.

As I'm writing this I see what a hypocrit I am. I thought I was so much better then my H because of his behavior. But damn, what's wrong with me? I risked my marriage and hurt the man I love for someone I never gave a shit about, and who never cared about me. Apparently I have no self respect..

As a BS I can promise you that your H does want you to hear from you and help you figure out the whys so it does not happen again in the future.

How you begin to look inside yourself begins with talking to your H, seeking counseling, reading, and journaling.

My H has been keeping things inside for his entire life but thankfully he realizes that telling the absolute truth and talking about the same thing over and over is what will help get us through this.

Have you told him you came to this site? I think it would mean a lot to him if he knew. My husband read a little bit the other night and I was so thankful.

[This message edited by jandjs1st at 10:08 AM, July 13th (Friday)]

Yes he knows I'm on this site. He was using a different site, but has now starting posting here as well.

BB40,

I've been working through many of the same questions myself.

A couple of weeks ago, I received some good ideas from other members on the board that I've been working on, here are a couple that have steered me in the right direction..

How were you feeling when you started your A, how you acted and what allowed you to start acting the way you did?

What can you do in the future if you have those feelings?

What did you tell yourself that gave you permission to have an affair?

What are your coping mechanisms?

I'm still working on these but for me they were a good place to start. I'm also hoping my IC will help me make some sense of my answers.

Best to you.

BB40,

I know that site and yes they can be harsh and cruel. But if it was not for them I would have never gotten out of the fog, and quit my job as abruptly as I did.Remember most of the posters are BS. My BS took some advice but not all.

[This message edited by Bobcat5 at 12:21 PM, July 13th (Friday)]

My WS and I are reading through

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald as well as both going to IC. The book looks great from the perusal I have had so far.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 7:53 PM, July 13th (Friday)]

I have been going to IC for a while but just recently started being honest.

Why is this? Why were you lying to your IC?

I know there isn't a quick fix.

Heal yourself for yourself. If you are doing it for your H, it won't last and you won't be able to withstand the roller coaster ride. This has to be about you.

I risked my marriage and hurt the man I love for someone I never gave a shit about, and who never cared about me. Apparently I have no self respect..

I definitely relate to this^ I realized that I had been disrespecting myself for many years because I continued to get involved with men that were not available or did not care about me (except of course when I met my H). However, when I did meet my H I was so guarded, bitter, and unhealthy that I treated him similiar to how others had treated me.

For me, this stems back to my parents' relationship with each other and myself. My Dad was controlling and emotionally unavailable and my mom was submissive and always put up with his shit. I found out a few weeks ago that before my parents were married he had an A

I said so many times that I did not want to be like my parents as well but the reality is I played them both in different relationships.

Hang in there and keep exploring your issues. Once I began to focus on healing me and not my M I felt a strength and a hope welling up inside of me-I am actually beginning to learn to love myself.

Wishing you the best in your journey.

Lots,

Thank you. Other then IC and MC how did you heal yourself? I feel so focused on my H that it's difficult to come to terms with myself.

I am going to IC and we are in MC. it is helping, but at times he seems to be regressing.

Do you feel your H has began healing? I'm sure back and forth with emotions is very common.

I am in IC and have doing a number of other things to help my self-exploration. I listed them in my first post to you...scroll up

My BH actually wanted me to focus on healing myself and has been very supportive. We have really stopped trying to fix the M and are focusing on healing our own issues. Of course, I still provide him with reassurance and support when he wants to process the A. I also do little things for him to show him that he is special to me-but I don't obsess over healing him, because I can't "fix" this.

My BH has been healing somewhat. Although, right now we are experiencing the ups and downs of the rollercoaster a few times a day. I know when he thinks about me and our M he feels overwhelmed and in extreme pain. What is helping him is to just focus on what his needs are, remembering who he is, what his interests are, and his dreams. It is also helping him to post in the ICR forum under the Betrayed Men.

Right now, my BH is not sure if he can commit to us for the long term. That is completely understandable and is okay with me. I still need to work on my stuff because I genuinely want to be a healthier person. I don't want to live like this anymore. It would be very difficult to work on the M right now. We both have so much healing that needs to take place first. However, I am still going to show him that I love him, answer his questions, reassure him, listen to his pain. All I have asked of him is that he is not verbally abusive.

Lost, sorry I called you lots... LOL

Thank you for all your advice. It's really great to hear from people that have similar experiences. Hopefully you and your H will get back to a fully committed place. I agree that no matter what the most important thing for now, is that you both become healthier people.

Good luck to you!!