SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I'm at the point where I think it's time to tell the other man's wife. Over 2 weeks since confirmed d-day this time. Don't know her. Wished she was never part of my life. No idea what the state of "their" world is. But, I don't think she should have to endure not knowing about this long running EA (on/off 18 months) and it's devastating consequences on her own life. The I love you's, we'll leave each others spouses et. al. are something she should know about.

Can anyone point me to threads about this or offer advice? I'm just not quite sure what to write. The only way I can think of contact her at the moment is through facebook I guess. I could mail something, but I don't know if she would get it. But more importantly - just not sure what to put in the letter that will help not seem like I'm an a-hole telling her this terrible information.

So any pointers or links would be great. And I have to say, this just sucks. I feel terrible, but it seems the right thing to do. I also feel like it will probably push them together more - as I'm still not sure it's over as I'm pretty much separated for 2 weeks and have no idea what "she's" doing, but the thought of someone else living a lie is getting under my skin. I wish I had seen the extent of this situation.

[This message edited by Steppinglightly at 11:47 AM, August 24th (Friday)]

I am in the same situation. I have given the OW her a choice. That she can tell her husband or I will. It is not fair to the wife of this man to think all is wonderful in her world. There may be other women that the OM has been communicating with in the same way he has communicated with your WS. His wife deserves to know. Give him the opportunity to tell her. If he doesn't arrange to meet her with all the evidence in hand. If you do not have evidence in hand she will not believe you. Have it all in black and white so that he cannot deny anything. Even though her life will be turned upside down for now, it is better to know the truth. Too, it may be a deterrant from the OM contacting your WS in the future.

(((hugs))) I can't imagine being in your shoes, both of the OW in my case were not married. But wouldn't you have wished that someone had told you?

Just tell them. directly, via facebood, phone, e-mail best. Letters get intercepted.

How I wish I had known. Would still give anything to have known.

Be kind, present facts and don't tell your WS you are doing it. Gives them time to make up a story, and believe me, they do.

Don't fall for the:

Open marriage, she knows, he knows, he'll hurt her, she's unstable, she's …..he's…... the list is a mile long.

They (WE) deserve to know. ASAP.

Blowing up the secrecy is the best way to get to reconcile if you want too, and prevent them going underground.

[This message edited by fourever at 12:11 PM, August 24th (Friday)]

Steppinglightly, you will be doing the right thing by telling the OM wife.

In my own situation, the OW husband intercepted an email between his wife and my husband about one month before the EA became a PA. He confronted them both, both said it was over, but it wasn't. Her husband did not contact me because he did not want to hurt me. If he had contacted me, their EA would have never been a PA because once I found out, my husband dumped her the same day.

Be gentle, present the facts only with all evidence, and then let it go. My only concern about facebook is that if you are not *friends* with someone, the message goes into a different message box (*Other*) and sometimes it cannot be seen from the home page.

I believe the consensus here is that shining the light on an affair, especially when the two APs are married, is the best way to end it.

Good luck, I am so sorry you are in this position!

You're doing the right thing.

Tell her gently and kindly, using facts, not judgements.

FB can be tricky as you don't know who has access to the account. Do you know where they live? Maybe a certified letter that only she can sign for? You can also provide her with any evidence you have and offer to talk with her if she'd like.

I called her. It didn't go well. Too much emotion clouding the message.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=467483&HL=25393

Email if you can, or send a registered letter. Post what you want to say and we'll help with it.

I'd suggest not burying her in too much information. Be factual and tell her enough to let her know you're not a fake. Let her desided when, how and how much she gets after that.

Facebook messages get sent to the spam folder if you're not in their contact list. (It's the subfolder marked "other"). Sometimes the other BS never sees them, as in my case.

Also, many spouses have each other's passwords or find their ways into their partners' accounts in various ways. I believe the OW may have intercepted my Facebook message informing her BSO of her affair with my FWSO.

Best method is phone or in person, or a direct email address you know their sneaky partner won't be able to access.

Iam so sorry that you are here but you will find this site an incredible scource of strength. Let me tell you what I did when I discovered my then wifes long term affair with a married man. I called her(the OM wife) at work, identified myself an then apologized about what I was about to tell her. I told her I had iron clad information that her husband and my wife were having an affair an would she meet me face to face an I would give her all the information I had. I also asked her not to tell anyone before she met with me. She agreed, met with me an the result was that it ended the affair, immediately. I had earlier contacted the OM an tried to get him to meet with me but he was a coward an refused- just as well I guess. In any event I had the pleasure of burning the OM marriage down. I did get a measure of revenge. Tell the other mans wife. Dont tell anyone what you are about to do. Kick back an watch the circus. STAY STRONG an stay on this site , in my opinion the folks on this site will be more helpful than any councilor.

I called the OM BW. I knew her well. We were all friends. It was a very difficult call to make because I liked her and did not want to hurt her but she needed to know. I told her that I was certain about what was going on and I had proof. I sent her an email with the proof. We talked a couple times after that so that she could clarify some things then I wished her well and have not spoke to her again.

I think it is very important for them to know the truth and let them decide what to do about their marriage.

Thanks for the reply's. Just for the record I have not talked to the OM and have no plans on doing so, I certainly would not discuss "this" with him as his fairytale world is so ridiculously stupid I'm not even going to acknowledge it. It's kind of like talking to someone about black helicopters and the UN invading texas (is that too political?). Fortunately there is close enough to zero chance that situation might occur at the moment, but maybe this might change that if he mano o mano's me on telling his wife. But even then, there's not much to say to him.

Edited this part - have an email address now - alumni email from her college which i assume forwards to her email directly. Probably will send during the day this coming week when she's not around the OM to me/her hubby.

I'm also hesitant to show the goods I have because technically how I got the info isn't quite on the up and up legally from what I've seen elsewhere and he's a lawyer type and smart (in certain parts of his life). It is their marriage and I would not want to get caught up in any potential fallout legally. But I'm pretty sure I can convince her it's real without to much trouble if she's listening. All I can do is try.

And thank you Twitchy for the link. That was very helpful - sorry you had to be in that position and just know that it's inspiration and strength for me to go through with this.

[This message edited by Steppinglightly at 7:47 PM, August 24th (Friday)]

You are doing the right thing. It took me 4 months to finally tell the wart hogs husband.

Be kind,keep it simple. Just the facts. I wouldn't worry too much about where you got the information. She might listen, she might not. What is important is that you tell her. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Peace

Edited this part - have an email address now - alumni email from her college which i assume forwards to her email directly.

Mine does not forward from either my undergrad or grad school.

I facebook messaged 1 OWH and he got it almost immediately. Many people have it set up to text them when they get a message.

I tried calling the PA one, but never got through. I ended up sending a restricted letter to the husband. Only he could sign it. The cool thing was WH sent a NC letter the same week. her H intercepted it and then got mine.

BTW: contacting OWH was the best thing I did for both me and my M

[This message edited by beenthere2? at 10:25 PM, August 24th (Friday)]

Mine does not forward from either my undergrad or grad school.

Lets just say after digging forever online I found it used obscurely in picture format in a newsletter as a way to contact her - I mean non-profit doing something good for this world and neighborhood newsletter. We all graduated more than a couple years ago when email was in it's infancy.... btw - from what i see, she (OM's Wife) does a lot of good things, successful, sounds like a very nice person, engaged mom, attractive, and that is just pissing me off to no end right now. He is such a douche asshole. I feel terrible that I might rock her life.

[This message edited by Steppinglightly at 11:25 PM, August 24th (Friday)]

Yes, please do tell the other BS. I wish, wish, wish someone would have told me. I was the last person to know and what's worse, my WBF was so BLATANT about it--he didn't even try to hide it.

But, stupid me, I trusted him and loved him and respected him, and never in my life would I ever have thought he'd cheat on me.

I feel like a moron. I can't even be around the mutual acquaintances and so-called "friends" because I keep thinking they're all snickering behind my back.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=467315&HL=36365

A lot of this shit going on. In my situation I could not find the mOM's BWs contact info. No Facebook or Linkdin. But I persisted on Google. Finally found her place of employment of a public High school website. I tried the Vm and Email but never got a response. I told myself, this woman simply has to be made a ware of this shit. So with the school year about to start, about 10 days ago I went to the HS open house and wen to her classroom. I waited till the end and then introduced myself and tried to be as polite and caring as I could. She took it very very well. I had my proof in an oversize letter and told her not to open untill she got home or to her car. I gave her my cell and she called me an hour later. We talked for over an hour. She called me about 5 more times over that weekend for more info, but we agreed to establish NC.

Didn't take long for me to find out my WW had broken NC by answering a call from mOM. She of course was pissed, but that's too fucking bad.

Did it do any good? Don't know yet. The BW did say she wanted to save her M and was willing to do whatever it takes. They also had 2 yound kids, just like us. Really bad situation.

OUT THE FUCKER I SAY.

Best of luck -

[This message edited by kchip at 3:51 AM, August 25th (Saturday)]

I also told. WH said her BH knew or had suspected...at least that's what the MOW told WH. Also according to MOW she and her BH were very sick and he was dying soon (she used this to keep the relationship going with WH, she needed him, he was her only friend, etc. WH ate that up of course) Well, I found out who he was and waivered for about a month. I finally got his only contact info I could, which was work. I emailed him a very basic message "did you know?"...figured if he did, he'd recognize my last name. A few emails went back and forth, with basics and nothing too bad because it was his work account. He asked me to call him. I did.

Turns out he had suspected years before, he had heard of my WH, thought they were friends but had been told they weren't in contact in years. He also suspected many other "friends" of hers were APs as well. He and I talked off an on for about a week, my WH answered his questions via email, and he ended up confronting MOW with the information. As far as I know, they are in R. I could care less. Never heard from him or MOW again and I like that just fine.

Oh, and he wasn't sick, neither was she, no one was dying, just lies...also found out this was her 3rd marriage, his 4th marriage and all of them ended by cheating...yep, the MOW and her BH were serial cheaters. Their relationship started when they cheated on their then partners...crazy stuff. BH said he thought they had agreed not to do it again...guess she changed her mind.

Tell her...in the calmest, easiest, most succinct way possible. Just remember you can't control her actions or reactions. Give her the information, expect nothing from her and you'll do fine. You are telling her what she needs to hear, not necessarily what she wants to hear. All you can do it convey it.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

why on earth are you guys telling the OM, or trying to force the OM, to tell their wives.

you are asking scum to do the decent thing. Asking completely unremorseful people to take remorseful actions. At the same time you are giving them the time they need to get their stories straight in their heads and with your wives, so that the damage can be minimised, the truth hid, and you made out to be the paranoid one.

Just tell them. Don't want. Don't threaten. Don't warn. do the right thing. Now.

It took me about a month to get in touch with OW's BS. I found the cell on his facebook. But had found the home address about a week prior. I realized he takes a lot of shit from her. She has a STD, which scared my FWH. He also has access to her cell phone records, where I don't due to his cell being a work phone.

Just keep digging....and do tell. Wait till after you guys have spoken, then tell you BS so they can watch their back. Things sometimes get messy.