SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel a bit silly writing on here, but I need advice. I'm 23, and I'd been seeing someone for just 4 months.

After our first official date, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt like that was too serious, and didn't want to define things straight away. We had slept together twice before officially dating - we were sort of friends. Anyway, we had a talk about whether we were seeing anyone else. He told me that he had been 'casually seeing' (read: sleeping with) another girl for about 6 months, and then realised he liked me, and after we had slept together...ended things with her.

About a month into our dating, he was away for work for a week. This was weird in a new relationship, I was a little anxious but it was fine. Afer that, I met his family and friends a couple of times. Then about a month later, I went overseas for two weeks. We were in contact everyday. I came back, and things were quite emotional because a close family member of his was terminally ill. I remember being unsure about my feelings towards him, I couldn't shake the doubt that he would probably be unfaithful. That's just an insecurity of mine - I just didn't think our connection could withstand the distance. During this very difficult time with his family, and in the two months after, we definitely grew closer. One night he said, "I know you'll think this is too soon, but I want you to know I love you". A couple of days later, I said, "I know I ignored the whole girlfriend thing at the start of our relationship, but I really want to be your girlfriend".

Long story short - he said that he wants that too, but he has to come clean and say that while I was overseas he slept with the girl he had been 'seeing' before me. He said it was purely out of his 'head space' - he was insecure about me being overseas - anxious, and upset about what was going on with his family. It's now been about a month since then. We've written each other letters, haven't slept together again, and I've expressed my pain and anger to him. He has expressed regret, has started going to counselling for himself and wants to go together as well. He says he is very adamant in wanting to change the behaviours that led him to that point - he's on a 3 month 'no sex' ban (ha!) and is doing a lot of reading, and work. This is all well and good, but my basic concerns are still there - how could I ever trust you again? how could i get you to understand boundaries with women? how could I ever feel properly respected by you? How could my family ever like you again? Insecurites don't just go away? This is just too soon for something like this...

I love him very much and respect him... but I'm afraid of how much work this would be. We don't have a foundation like other long term relationships.

Help!

((((newbie88))))

To answer your question: when I was your age, if this had happened to me I would probably have been prepared to believe in the other person and keep my hope.

Knowing what I know now, I would have to say that if someone is cheating so early in an exclusive relationship that they said they wanted then I would run run run.

Maybe he will fix himself, maybe not. If at some future time he has fixed himself and you are open to a relationship with him, you can consider it then.

But it's not your job to fix him, and there's no reason to wait for him to fix himself. You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you. And there are plenty of people who are honest and have integrity, whose word means something. Open yourself to someone who deserves you. You deserve better than this.

((((newbie88))))

You are young. Get out now. It's only 4 months of your life. If you stay with him and end up marrying or something it could be four years, 14 years, 40 years. But this guy has boundary issues and you should not trust him.

I'd say Get Out Now. I stayed with my WH after he cheated six months into our marriage. Stayed married but always kept that insecure feeling... he cheated again, 24 years later, when we had two teenage kids. And I found out from OW that there had been others before her... he's not a bad person, but has always dealt with any problems by running into someone's arms/bed. Some people are like this, and they always have problems seeing where the boundaries are.

Your feelings for this guy will fade, so save yourself from the potential disaster of getting married to the wrong person. Not everyone cheats... find someone with true integrity.

MY WH showed me all kinds of signs about who he was before we got married. He had 3 other women chasing him ( ROCK BANDS) and was sleeping with some boat whore when she went on the road to Canada. BUt I still looked past it all and married him HE is showing you who he is RUN! Run fast!

I like the fact that he told you, and also sees it as a problem and is seeking help.

I don't like the fact that he clearly overlaps women and wants to pin things down with them before making a decision.

He has involved you in a triangle, and from where I'm sitting, he has seriously jerked the other girl around. It's quite possible she was his girlfriend, and he cheated with you, dumped her, and then took advantage of how she still felt about him to use her for "comfort sex" in the backup position.

Men who have this pattern can be seen at all ages and stages of life.

I also don't like that he asked you to be his girlfriend immediately. I'm seeing no capacity to sit with the uncertainty of a new relationship. You picked up on that, and also had a gut feeling he might be unfaithful while you were away. Whereas, you knew you wouldn't be unfaithful while he was away.

So you've got good intuition.

A terminally ill close family member at such a young age is huge. What I'd hate to see is you, instead of having a lovely courtship and organic commitment, in the role of "understanding girlfriend" to a guy who hasn't earned that degree of commitment from you, but rather gotten you overinvested via the drama of his life and overwrought, too-early promises.

This sounds draining to me, too much so for this early in the relationship and also given all the opportunity you have at 23 for love and laughter.

My husband got a blow job from an exGF while we were engaged and living together. I never knew about it. Until - he had an affair with her while we were married 18 years or so. Affair of convenience. But if I had known then, what I know now - I would have left. After so many years, 4 kids - it's just too much to give up on so easily. In fact, it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the absolute most painful.

Run away - very fast.

RUN...

Hi Newbie88

I am sorry you had to find yourself here so early in your relationship....but it is a good place to land in such a difficult time.

Many of us here believe it is worth fighting and working for/towards a healthy relationship. We don't usually tell someone new to run.

Except in cases like yours. Many of us have been in relationships for years (not that they are more important...) the years do things to people. You have kids, bills, work and life gets dirty.

You and your boyfriend are in the beginning of your relationship. It should be butterflies in the stomach, bliss and happiness. There are no relationship issues this early on that should be causing you two to drift apart.

If he is so quick to jump in with someone else when things are good, what will he do to you when you have a real trial in your relationship? Who will he run to then?

I always believe in instances like yours, be thankful....thankful he pulled out the crystal ball and gave you a glimpse of who he is and what your future with him will hold.

I also believe you should go...take care of yourself and walk away before you get married and have kids. Do it while you just have yourself to take care of.

If you decide to leave you may want to get into IC. The therapy will help you deal with the betrayal so you don't carry these issues with you into your future.

Be good to yourself and know you deserve someone who respects, loves and cherishes you...

Good Luck

(((hugs)))

ETA...never feel silly about posting here. Betrayal hurts, no matter your age or time frame of the relationship.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:12 AM, September 10th (Monday)]

I agree. You need to get away from this guy and find someone who wants an honest relationship. If he is cheating now, you can almost bet he would cheat on you in a marriage. Don't wait until you have several children and are in a marriage when this happens. It is good he is trying to fix himself, but you don't need to be around that. My WH cheated on me for 3 yrs with an old girlfriend he had prior to our marriage. Not sure if it wasn't longer than that, but that's all they will admit to. Anyway, you see before there is a serious relationship that this guy is a lier and a cheater. You are way too young to start an adult relationship with someone like that. Please take our advise and get out of this situation now. I know it's not what you want to hear, but we care and we know the pain it will cause you further down the line. Take care!!!

I'm sorry you're here but I'm glad you had the good sense to come looking for help and found SI. As someone who found out 16 years later that my H had cheated on me right after our first child was born, I'd say you are lucky to know NOW. I didn't have that option.

Also, I know that if I had known back then, I'd have stayed with him, but I would've made sure he got into therapy to figure out why he strayed, and if he had, we wouldn't be where we are now. (read my profile)

No one can tell you what to do, but I do think IC is a good idea for YOU whether or not he gets help. This is YOUR life, and yes, you are too young to not take this very seriously and determine if you want to put all your emotions and love and devotion into someone who's already strayed.

Hugs and keep posting.

He has involved you in a triangle, and from where I'm sitting, he has seriously jerked the other girl around. It's quite possible she was his girlfriend, and he cheated with you, dumped her, and then took advantage of how she still felt about him to use her for "comfort sex" in the backup position.

I agree, and I feel bad for both of you.

Only four months in? Cut your losses and run. Sorry you are dealing with this.

He has involved you in a triangle, and from where I'm sitting, he has seriously jerked the other girl around. It's quite possible she was his girlfriend, and he cheated with you, dumped her, and then took advantage of how she still felt about him to use her for "comfort sex" in the backup position.

Men who have this pattern can be seen at all ages and stages of life.

I also don't like that he asked you to be his girlfriend immediately. I'm seeing no capacity to sit with the uncertainty of a new relationship. You picked up on that, and also had a gut feeling he might be unfaithful while you were away. Whereas, you knew you wouldn't be unfaithful while he was away.

So you've got good intuition.

A terminally ill close family member at such a young age is huge. What I'd hate to see is you, instead of having a lovely courtship and organic commitment, in the role of "understanding girlfriend" to a guy who hasn't earned that degree of commitment from you, but rather gotten you overinvested via the drama of his life and overwrought, too-early promises.

This sounds draining to me, too much so for this early in the relationship and also given all the opportunity you have at 23 for love and laughter.

Had to quote blinders_off because this is such spot on advice.

I remember being unsure about my feelings towards him, I couldn't shake the doubt that he would probably be unfaithful. That's just an insecurity of mine

You are underselling yourself, there was/is something in him that made you doubt his fidelity. I also had signs early on that I chose to ignore and believe the best in my H. Twelve years later the pain I have experienced in this relationship due to cheating is something that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Trust you instincts and run!

Had I been a little more particular about signs in the very early stages, I could have saved myself 20 years, put mysself first instead of making all kinds of sacrifices that set me back to this day, and not ended up here.

I suggest cut and run as well.

Run like hell, IMO. Life is too short.

I'm of 2 minds, but I've dated only one woman since 1966.

On one hand, no commitment = no cheating, and I don't read of any commitment between you.

On the other, I don't see any clear boundaries, either. Assuming 'being his girlfriend' implies exclusivity, I don't see a mature person suggesting that on a first date. Same with saying 'ILY' - it's easy to say, but hard to do. Given his multiple simultaneous relationships. he sounds like he needs to do some growing.

Newbie, listen to the advices here, they are so spot on...My WH cheated on me not even 1 month after our wedding and since then bodies are piling up (31 and counting)since. Now that I think about it, I am sure he cheated during our courtship and engagement (2 years)...If I had discovered this before getting attached and deeply involved, I would have run as fast as I could. But DD was one year ago for me. You are 4 months into this relationship. Hardly enough to form lasting bonds. RUN and don't look back. You will never be happy with him. And you deserve respect, which he seems not able to give you.

I really like blinders_off response.

Someone who is willing to cheat with you on someone else, then ON you early in your relationship is very likely to be willing to cheat on you later in your relationship.

It is a HUGE red flag--and it's one I wish I'd paid attention to early in the game.

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say you don't have a steady foundation for your relationship.

At this point, building one will be next to impossible. The one you have is just going to keep shifting around beneath you until you hop off.

You say you respect his man. Why? I'm not asking this to be snarky, but rather to encourage you to think about what is worthy of your respect. Don't give it--or yourself--away cheaply.

I would go even further, to suggest that sleeping with a guy before your first "official" date is probably an approach you'll want to avoid in the future. Sex releases hormones that convince us we're in love when, really, we're just awash in oxytocin. It really, really muddies the waters. At a time when, ideally, you should be assessing a relationship's merits and becoming emotionally intimate, you're getting confusing physiological messages.

My concern is that, if you stay with this guy, precedent has been set. Unless he's willing to take a step back, and work HARD on an exclusive relationship with you (including, I would recommend, both individual counseling for both of you and couples counseling), then I'd cut my losses at 4 months and run.

As hard as would be to end your relationship now, it will only become more difficult as time passes.

Best of luck to you. I know I'm blunt, but I really do hope you find happiness---with this man or on your own.

Reading further, this jumped out at me:

I also don't like that he asked you to be his girlfriend immediately.

My husband did the same thing. He professed love almost immediately, as well. In retrospect, it was a HUGE red flag I just didn't recognize at the time. It signaled real confusion and difficulty with emotional intimacy.

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:16 AM, September 10th (Monday)]

To all who have posted here, "amen and amen!"