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My wife had an affair with a man at her work. Not known to me at the time she would come home and want oral sex. There are several issues with this but what is the cause of such behavior? She claims to not know from hate to wanting sexual satisfaction.

Ouch i can't even imagine what that could be no advice but i wanted you to know I'm listening.

PM for you Cobalt

When she asked for oral sex any chance she might have sex with OM ? That is pure evil...

Was the wanting oral sex after she had had sex with OM? Was it with or without protection?

I would think that maybe she was trying to punish you or demean you in some way.

If it was not after she had sex with OM, perhaps she was "saving" sex for him and getting her gratification from oral?

Well, you are probably tormenting yourself thinking the worst and with her not answering that is naturally the direction you will go in.

However, it may be that the om was one who would not perform oral sex and your wife wanted and needed the reassurance that she was 'okay'.

Still gross. But another possibility to consider.

I would think that maybe she was trying to punish you or demean you in some way.

Ditto.

I am so sorry.

Dude just the thought of having oral sex on my WW after I found out she was with another guy regardless of the timing, protection, etc is just something I could never do again. I'm sure many women here agree if the tables were turned. She lost that privilege forever when she decided to sleep with him.

Personally I think there are more issues there with her than you know. Either with her self esteem or what others mentioned.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 11:14 AM, September 14th (Friday)]

My thought is that the other guy worked her up, and she wants you to finish her off.

Gross, and unfair. And totally reprehensible.

Just......wow.

So sorry! (((Hugs)))

What's the cause of such behavior?

She's got a hole where her soul should be. As in she's disturbed and has no empathy.

I agree with SeanFLA.

If Hell froze over and I were to reconcile with my WW there is no way I could engage in oral sex with her. I don't care if that thing was hosed-out, pressure-cleaned, scrubbed, disinfected, and sterilized. Just the psychological factor alone kills it. I would rather eat my own vomit off the street than get my head in any proximity to that vagina that she made available for some lowlife's personal use and labeled it the greatest loooove ever. Fuuuucking disgusting.

Thanks for all the replies. To be clear she had the affairs with a man at work. She claims there sex was not good but she did him for over 2 years 2 - 3 times a week and not much of anything with me. She would do it and come home unclean most times it seems. It was not like she just wanted to have sex with me to be satisfied, she wanted oral sex. The very why I found out about the affair was a sexually transmitted fungal invection of some sort. All of it is disgustind but she will not stay in therapy.

Are you still with this disgusting person? Why?

I think we should take care in condemning this act as an especially gross one. Infidelity in all its different versions is disgusting and terrible and frankly I don’t thing singling this act out as something worth special condemnation is in any way or form helping the poster.

If Cobaltblue is still with this “disgusting person” then it’s probably because of the same reasons more or less all betrayed husbands that post here on SI want to salvage their relationship.

Cobalblue – WH5 sent you a PM. Whatever he wrote, whatever he suggested or shared – take note of it. He is one of the most respected posters here on SI.

There is one point in your story that doesn’t totally add up to me: If you discovered the infidelity due to a STD and your WW and OM had an ongoing 2-3x a week for 2 years affair… she should have had the STD a lot earlier. Not unless OM is a player or your WW has had other lovers. Not saying this to make things harder: Recovery must be based on TRUTH.

I only saw the message "PM for you" from WH5 but there was no message unless I am not seeing it.

I have been told so many different stories I am not sure if I would see the truth if it was there now. The STD was not one of the terrible ones, I just had the skin on me develop what I was told by the doctor was a fungal type infection that was sexually transmitted. I had been with no one. Afther a day of asking my wife she admited to the affair.Stories, explainations, reasons, details of the affair have changed as the time and conditions seem to suit her. In the seeking of the "truth" and full disclosure all these other issues have came out a little at a time, slow painful crap.

Don't assume anyone here knows anything about your wife and her motivation.

We don't know your wife, we don't know anything more than you can tell us.

"All of it is disgusting"

All affairs are "disgusting" when examined in the light of day. But no one act is really "more disgusting" than another.

People have sex in affairs, but the sex is not the issue, the other person is not the issue, the issue is the internal psychological problems within the person having the affair.

but she will not stay in therapy.

This is the problem you need to focus on, because nothing else matters if she won't stay in therapy.

If she doesn't stay in therapy, then she can't get to the point where she can deal with her psychological issues and how they act out in the marriage, and your marriage will fail in some manner.

Stories, explainations, reasons, details of the affair have changed as the time and conditions seem to suit her. In the seeking of the "truth" and full disclosure all these other issues have came out a little at a time, slow painful crap.

This is normal WS behavior after exposure of their cheating, it is caused by the same internal psychological issues that led to the affair in the first place. It will end when, and only when, she gets to the point of some understanding and true remorse.

Go click on the link [My Profile] at the top of your page just above “Newest member”. When you have your profile page up scroll down and click on the “Allow users to send me private messages“ option. When you have done that post here again and ask WH5 to send the PM again.

Apologies if my post came across as a bit terse... I'm just constantly shocked at how low people who are cheating will go, and how much they're willing to hurt the person they promised to love. I also really think that it's important at some stage to draw a line and say 'enough'.

And please, remember, people who love you don't get you to go down on them and give you an STD.