SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lots of possible explanations for this one.

Not satisfied by sex at work.

Angry and wanting to degrade you.

Part of some secret fetish.

No way to know really, unless she starts talking, and even then I would suspect the real answer is worse than the one she gives you.

cobaltblue}}} side hugs

Your choices are R, D or rugsweeping.

It takes two to R so unless she gets back in therapy then you cannot even begin true R imho. She need to disclose and own all of her behaviors. Period.

You can pursue D. The LTA may certainly be a dealbreaker for you.

Rugsweeping isn't what I'd call an option, but it is often done regardless. Don't do that. I did for awhile it damaged me. It compounds the hurt and you cannot heal that way. Sooner or later it all comes out. Don't do that to yourself.

You should 180 her as fast as you can and truly focus on yourself.

Cobalt,

How old are you and your wife?

Any kids in the mix?

Is your wife still in the A now?

Is the OM married?

Give us some more details if you can please.

HM64

For last post: I was 39, she was 35. The OM (married) was 32. Coworker. It has been going on 8 years. I have 2 kids, one I adopted from her first failed teenage marriage. She is not in the affair now. No one in our family knows, her reputation is intact only due to me. I question the reasons for that most times. I suppose dit always takes 2 to tango but I really feel I am a good huband, father, provider. She claims our sex life is the best she has had in most respects. She just will not even think about the why and why nots of it all. It is all a deep dark secret she doesn't want to think of. That is why there are so many questions I ask which quite frankly at times I wish I had never asked. It was not some sick interest but I feel I need to know what happened and why to move on. I have held on about as long as I can. If not for the kids I am not sure if we would be together today. I have considered divorce and just moving on or living together. Mostly as it would address my not wanting to be married under the circumstances. I am currently attempting to get her back the therapy but I am not going to force it, she has to want to go. I have not told her but if she does not go back soon I am leaving or I should more correectly say she is leaving.

[This message edited by colbaltblue at 8:55 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

Bless your heart!! I am not sure if I have ever heard of anything like this before. I def applaud you for trying to save your marriage, because I for one, could never go back to this person after what she's done. Beside's putting your health at risk, that is just a disgusting thing to do to someone. Sending you strength!

She just will not even think about the why and why nots of it all. It is all a deep dark secret she doesn't want to think of

JMHO but she doesn't get to make that decision. She doesn't get to decide after 8 years of betraying the M what she does and does not want to think about. She cannot hope to promise this won't happen again if she doesn't get those messed up though processes fixed. At the beginning of the thread you indicated the A was 2 years and now it is 8, which I assume means you've gotten more information (i.e. TT) from WW?

This:

She just will not even think about the why and why nots of it all. It is all a deep dark secret she doesn't want to think of.

And this:

That is why there are so many questions I ask which quite frankly at times I wish I had never asked.

If you don’t deal with these two issues then I’m open to taking bets 3/1 she will cheat again and 5/1 you two will divorce within 5 years.

Why? Well – many of us here on SI view infidelity as a form of disease. It’s IN your wife; she did not have an affair with OM because he was so great. She had an affair with him because there is something broken in her that made her seek validation from him. Sex is simply the price or the validation. So OM is more or less irrelevant. With him out of the picture and with untreated infidelity… your wife will eventually feel that need for validation again and once again seek it somewhere else.

And you… Think you can deal with the PTSD of infidelity without help? Think you can NOT pull out the infidelity fears each and every time she works overtime, is late from the Mall, goes on a trip, goes out with her friends… No – this will be such a tremendous albatross hanging over your marriage that if you two don’t deal with it then I’m making a fortune on those bets…

OK – Let me make one thing clear: What is “wrong” with your wife can be fixed. But it won’t fix itself. So you really really need to get her to IC.

So she’s not willing to go… Well… make it attractive. Tell her the truth: The affair made you reevaluate the marriage. You are willing to put immense work into creating the marriage you two deserve BUT you know you can’t do so alone. You need her participation and you need professional help. Get her to MC and the MC will get her to IC.

Cobalt,

Sorry brother. EIGHT YEARS. That is a long time to be having sex with another man and little between you as a married couple.

Regardless, you need to expose. I am sorry, I know you feel exposure is wrong. But your wife is really mentally disturbed. She will cheat again, as she knows she can get away with it. No consequences and rewards from you for staying with her equals high probablity of a repeat performance.

You need to expose to OM's BW and to her work. And then to anyone you need to help YOU.

It is clear you are not healing brother. Take back your power. Whether you stay with her or not, you need to get healthy too. Carrying around this dirty secret is a soul-killer.

Oh, and do not tell your wife you are exposing. I assure you, she will not be your ally in this effort.

To clarify for those that asked. She had the affair for over 2 years, 2 -3 times a week having intercourse. It supposedly stopped 8 years ago. In that 8 years I can say we are really not reconcilled, there is no closure on mostl issues for me and the basic behavior I feel she has that I fell caused all this is unchanged. I feel she feels as long as she has her pants on it is OK but her behavior manifests itself in other passive aggresive ways. I had talked her into counciling 4 times and she always quite as she will not really do what is recommended.

I did not see anything for the abreviation IC???

IC= individual counseling

Nasty and disgusting. That would be a deal breaker even if there had never been any rules spelled out ever in all of the world's history.

Um Cobalt.......This..

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Let your lawyer figure out a way to state it legally. Please, please be careful. [/bold]

[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 11:27 PM, September 27th (Thursday)]

Cobalt, she was treating you like a cuckold and a cleaner to clean OMs remainings

It was her way of showing you her respect for you and your marriage. Its not only disgusting but horrible and heinous. this can only be done by a heartless and cruel person.

Your wife and marriage is too broken and i dont understand why you wanted to be with her for another second of your life.Its time for you to figure out why you wanted to be with her.You looks too passive about her cruelty, its time to man up and stay for yourself.

By he way do the paternity test on your child. Dont say that you know child is yours.

[This message edited by kannan at 2:10 PM, September 28th (Friday)]