SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've thought a bit about where to post this or if I should but figured, "well may as well".

I filed for divorce in Feb, STBXWW was continuing to see OM, after D was decided on she started Dating him properly, she moved out and was essentially with him continuously.

During the summer, whilst STBXWW and OM were playing happy families and I was on my own, I, rather foolishly I know, briefly dated someone, after a date or 2 I realised it was wrong, I was not ready was completely up front with the girl and apologised to her and we parted ways.

So STBXWW finds out about this, eventually breaks up with OM and appears to want to talk R. She has actually started IC and whilst she isn't in my mind ready for R or anything like that. And if i'm honest the point of this thread is not "should I R with her?" its more from my point of view.

Is what I did counted as a RA, as I was with another woman prior to our D being finalised? Or was I moving on with my life, albeit far too soon?

Part of me says "STBXWW was living with another man, going out with him, spending time with him, sleeping with him so what the hell does it matter what I did?", but then there is the part of me that says "yes well you went out with someone else, kissed someone else whilst married". Which I guess is what I am struggling with.

Irregardless of STBXWW or R, because I know most peoples opinion on that, its more settling things in my head, I guess I'm afraid that I am now a WH? Even though as a seperated man I'm technically not? IYSWIM ?

And yes hopefully this can stand as a warning to all to not rush into anything new before you are ready, but I think the general theory is no one seems to learn that lesson until they have actually tried it, because we all think we are ready far before we actually are....

SP

I think it probably depends. Others may have a different opinion but I think if you were planning on D, filed for D, and your spouse is living with someone else as a couple you are no longer obligated to keep the vows. They are broken. I think it is probably too early for most people emotionally but I don't see it as cheating.

That being said, I think whether it was an RA really depends on the motives behind the dates. Was it to get back at her? Or was it because you wanted to "get back out there?" Were you intending to fight for your M, take your WW back or hoping she would come back? Were you doing it just to hurt her? Those are the things that would imply an RA to me.

But what I'm most curious about it why it matters to you. Is she throwing this at you? Is she using this as an excuse to minimize what she did? Are you?

My motives were nothing to do with STBXWW, i wanted to get back out there and i suppose prove to myself that there was nothing wrong with me.

Why does it matter? I don't know, its just something that has been playing on my mind. I gave up fighting for my M after 3 false R's. It was no longer my place to fight for it.

I think it may be playing on my mind as I've read a few topics over the last week over RA's and it started me thinking if I was no better than someone who did that. When I used to feel I did everything I could to try and save my M. Now maybe I struggle with the "did I give up too soon" issue.

IMO - doesn't sound like RA to me man. You had every right to go out with someone new. Don't you and all BS's deserve to be happy? The vows were tossed by WW, releasing you.

Waiting until your emotionally fit I think is important. You know what they say, when your not looking for it - it finds you. I believe this to be true.

Have you ever read the New Beginnings forum? Lots of BS on this site date while separated. And they do so without judgement (although frequently warned about the dangers of dating too soon).

You were planning to divorce. Your WW was with the OM. Those two dates don't constitute a revenge affair.

Hope24 - I have been having about in NB so yes I know many people do it, and do it far too soon. I suppose I'm one of them, no one ever listens though do they!

I realised at the time I was not emotionally fit, I thought I was, pretended I was but as soon as I realised I wasnt I took that step back and got back to work on on me.

I think it is something I need to understand from my point of view, whether I class myself as it being an A or not? I don't know if that makes sense.

I mean I chose to go out with someone knowing that whilst S, I was stil technically married, and was honest with the girl about that, so wasn't lying to her! I am not sure what I'm looking for really its just been playing on my mind.

I think you should make peace with your decisions, whatever you find in your heart when you think about your motivations.

Did you lie to anyone? Did you tell the woman you dated that you were in the process of divorce? Did you have the expectation or desire to R with your stbxWW while you were dating the woman this summer? Do you feel you crossed a moral line and you carry guilt for that?

I don't think you can truly accidentally become a WS. Personally I think it's too soon to date during a divorce but for emotional reasons - not because of the vows to the stbx spouse you're divorcing. However it matters more what YOU feel. If you feel the vows are there until the ink is dry on the D, then that's your reality.

I wouldn't call what you did a RA though. An RA is a revenge tactic. You're pretty clear that wasn't your motivation, so it wasn't an RA.

If you intend to R with your stbxWW, just be honest with her about your summer, and honest with yourself about your feelings.

I don't think it was an RA at all. Your WW had moved out to live with OM while your D was agreed on. While I don't think it's okay to date before the D is finalized, I don't think what you did was cheating exactly. One of those situational gray area things that could be argued either way, but at the end of the day there was no secrecy or malice or selfishness on your part, and it doesn't sound like you went out prowling for it a week after separation.

The day she walked out the door and into OM arms is the day your M died. Thats my opinion. RA ? No. Dating too soon ? Yes. I went out with women a few times during S and it was not the right choice for me. After my XWW broke NC is when I left and I considered that to be open season for me. At that time I needed to feel attractive to the opposite sex. I needed to feel wanted by another. I needed to reclaim my manhood. That lead to some bad decisions. I actually did this for a few years until I put the brakes on everything. I took the whole year of 2011 off from dating and worked on myself. Im very glad I did. Im very happy with myself in that area. I do have many issues that I still deal with. And my love life is not up to par in my opinion. But Im no longer willing to just settle for a warm body next to me. I figure when the right one comes along it will have been worth the wait.

spareparts, I did the exact same thing. WH was seeing other women and I had filed for divorce. He was the one that left me for the other woman. Shortly after I met someone who pursued me. I put him off for awhile and then relented. We had a wild fling for one weekend. He, the new guy, turned out to be even worse than WH in the morals department, but I have to confess, that one weekend of romance and forbidden "stuff" was more healing than anything else I could have done.

I'll always have that memory of romance and the knowledge that it could happen to me again. I was desired, responsive and my ego was restored.

But like you, I realized, I'm not ready....AND I'm okay on my own. I want to be strong and confident just me alone. I'm now proud of the fact that I recognized what a loser the new guy was and that going NC with him (and WH) didn't set me back. It reinforced for me that I will be okay.

I don't see it as a RA at all. I see it as a step in my education as I navigate this new single life. I was not the perpetrator of this situation -this cheating and betrayal - and I'm just trying to get through this the best way I know how.I owe the cheating husband nothing, least of all my loyalty.

He betrayed me on a massive scale and has done zero to make amends other than say, I don't want to divorce.

LIke your wife, he broke up with the OW and signed up for one counselling session but he abandoned both when he found out I was serious about taking a year of healing. I knew in my heart he didn't really love and desire me....he loved our lifestyle and the fact that I made as much money as he did and that I came from an incredible family who showered us with love and support. And he wanted me so he could maintain his relationship with our children. But he didn't really want ME. I know because he ran right back to her and never went for another counseling appointment.

Common sense tells me, if he really wanted me, no one would fill my shoes and he could never find happiness with someone else in the first months after I asked for healing time. He would have thrown himself into what I told him I needed and would have done everything possible to show me he was on board with my needs.

I digress from your point.....was it too early for something lasting and significant? Absolutely.

Was it theraupeutic.....oh my yes!

So my words of advice would be....go for that first fling but know that it's just that....a fling. It will remind you of what great sex is really like and reinforce for you that it can happen again. But be prepared to kiss it goodbye and get back to yourself and your own healing. And then make your goal - your own happiness - alone.

Oh my. Can you tell I have a wee bit of a ways to go in my healing. Everyone tells me how strong I am and I also think I've handled things well.....but then moments like this pop up ......and I know I'm not fully through this yet. But these moments of weakness are just that.....moments.

I am coming full circle....I promise. You did not cheat and this is not a revenge affair. I think you made the right move....you tried it out, found you weren't ready and were able to get back to the business of healing.

My hat is off to you spareparts. Bear no guilt, my friend. You're only forging through this nightmare of pain in the best way you know how.

I don't think it was. She was with OM. You filed. I went on a couple of dates before papers were even filed, but I was sure I wanted D, told wife I wanted D, and was just waiting for the 6month separation for papers to be filed, even though at the time STBXW wanted to try & fix this.

When we went through a brief (false) R, she told me that was an A (RA). It wasn't for revenge it was just, like you said, to get out there and feel good about myself again.

But I don't think yours in any way fits what would be considered an RA.

Thanks all, Especially you MsSunshine, you summed it up pretty well I think.

It did make me realise that yes I am not ready, but also I am ok on my own. I enjoy my time alone, yes I miss my kids, but well I get to have my life and my space to do what I want.

I'm not going anywhere on R at the moment, I'll keep watching STBXWW and see if she will make the effort, or if once again this is all a show to get back the lifestyle that she wants rather than me, IYSWIM.

The D will be finalised, I'm not stopping that, if she really wants ME and not the M, then this won't impact things at all for her. If it does then I know.

My Aim at the moment is to work on me, sort myself out and i guess I need to make peace with myself over the fact that, on paper I was still married, but the day STBXWW started officially dating OM, and then moved in with him. Well thats when the M died.

I think an RA involves intent. A sort of, "I'll show her (or him)" approach.

You know, tit for tat.

I don't get that feel from your dates. You were separated with the intent to divorce.

Along the line, that plan changed.

If you'd separated to "work on things," had the intent of a therapeutic separation, to work your way back to your marriage, dating rules would have been defined.

That was not the case. You separated because your wife wanted to continue her affair with OM and, in fact, was doing so very openly.

Sounds like you were just trying to move on. I agree with above posters in regard to intent.

If your honest with yourself, were you trying to get a reaction from your STBXWW? Did you hope she would find out and hope it would hurt her?

If that's the case, then I would classify it as an RA.

MortuusCor, being totally honest with myself.

No I was not attempting to get any reaction from my STBXWW, in fact I did not want her to know or have any intention of rubbing her face in it.

My thinking was "its none of her business what I do or who I do it with. She has her life with OM, and I'm just trying to sort out my life"

Then, definitely not an RA and you are not a WH! Problem solved.

I think you question yourself far too much SP. It isn't necessary. you are a decent guy and I should add, you did the honorable thing by being honest with your date that it was too soon.

Give yourself a break.

DEFINITELY not RA... just showing that you have a life and a future! I started dating 3 months after WH moved out to live with OW. Still seeing lovely man I started dating, and that's one of the main reasons why my life feels BETTER than it would have been if WH hadn't cheated!!!

My XBH did something similar. I agree, it's the intent behind it that makes it 'revenge.' Either way, I don't think it's any kind of A, whether 'R' in front of it or not.

She was STILL IN THE AFFAIR, you were D'ing, and you weren't doing it to get revenge. Therefore, I don't think it was revenge or cheating. You had done everything you could to save your marriage, and she was living with her affair partner and expecting D.

You were trying to move on.

I'd usually be judging based on 'was it agreed upon during a separation that you could date others'? But if she was living with OM? Well, depressingly, that goes without saying.

It might have been different if she had broken off the affair, you were S'd and not yet divorced, you hadn't talked about dating others, and you hid it from her. Or maybe I'm wrong about that too. But it really doesn't seem like you were cheating.