SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why do I feel so good?

We were taking the kids to Science center night, something their school sponsored. So I pull up to pick them up, and WW says her cell phone isn't working and won't leave until she calls ATT. She says go ahead w/o her and she will be along in her car.

Her fucking cell phone dilemma triggers me BIGTIME.

So, I take the boys and my mind starts cranking. I have them for a sleep over tonight so she is basically free to go out and party.

So she shows up at the thing. Phone working, and she can't find us and calls me. She finally catches up and I just go off. The kids were not with us and were off playing with friends. You see, she sent MOM zillions of texts, and she will NOT let me near the thing let alone give me the pw.

So I ask her why she can't leave the house for 2 hours w/o the damn thing. Going to miss an important text from someone? She immediatly gives me attitude back and thats when I call her a "fucking slut whore" a " Low down common straying bitch".

I don't know why it felt so good. I still feel good.

Of course she wonders off, kisses the boys goodbye and runs out of the place.

I don't give a flying fuck. I hope she cried. I hope she cries all fucking night.

[This message edited by kchip at 10:27 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Good for you. I know probably going to get blasted for that.

I am attempting R so I haven't really gone off on my WH. I so want to. I know the feeling of your wayward sending a lot of text to the AP. Mine went from sending and receiving just over 700 text messages a month to over 5000 and yes they were all her. He averaged 91 text and pictures. That doesn't count the e-mails. I am lucky if I get 50 from him now. I was getting an average of 6 a day from him during the A. So, nice that we are on their minds so much and important.

At least I get to check mine's phone. When she broke NC he called me to let me know and saved the text for me to read. So, we are making progress.

Kchip...

If you're D'ing, why are you taking the kids anywhere together?

I would detach from her as much as possible... and just talk to her about kids and finances.

BTW - I loved

" A lwo down common straying bitch"

I had her move out in june. I do not speak unless absolutely necessary. Emails are as short as possible and texts are one syllable sentences. You should set yourself free you can do it! Her rational part of her brain that you once occupied is dead.

WS tries to interject friendship comments now and even mentioned to move back in. Life is rough when you are on your own, she's realizing it.

I hope she cried too. She should. She should be ashamed of herself.

You've found your anger. That can be a good thing.

I agree, good for you. You need to let her know how you feel. It may not be nice but it is better that it eating you alive.

I agree, good for you. You need to let her know how you feel. It may not be nice but it is better that it eating you alive.

In a short while this wont be something that is happening, it will be something that has happened.

I know the rage kchip. I really do. I too felt consumed by it at times. But it passed and I was left with the root of that rage which was a deep, deep, cavernous ground zero of pain.

She is no longer your wife. You need to work on detaching. Once you have you won't wonder what she is up to, it won't make you crazy - you won't actually care.

I know it feels good and it is necessary if you haven't spoken your mind. But none of this will wake her up or make her realise what she had done to you and your family. She won't - she will probably rationalise this incident in her mind as another reason why it was OK to betray you.

Your best revenge will be walking away and never looking back, living well, being happy and being totally indifferent to her. Fake it till you make it,

You will be OK. You will heal from this. You will love again. You will feel normal again. You will have a good life again,

I'm with jrc - If you're divorcing why bother to do things together with the kids?

Doing things together with her increases the tension/friction between the two of you - and your kids notice that.

Also it sends the wrong message to the kids.

She stepped outside the marriage. You're divorcing. The time for doing things as a family unit has passed.

It's time to detach.

Yep I know. She said for me to take them - then when I pulled up to pickup my boys she was standing there with them and said she wanted to go too.

I was surprised actually, but then she started asking me why her cell phone didn't work...?? I looked at her like she as crazy,and then she said she was going to call ATT and 'catch up' with us at the Science center.

I've told her about triggers. She knows that I know about the 10,000 a/mon texts she shared with MOM. I thinks shes fucking stupid, as I already know she is completely remorseless and insensitive to me about this whole fucking thing.

Detach - I keep trying. She keeps calling when I 'go quiet'.

kchip,

The fact that she calls doesn't mean you have to answer.

Just keep repeating, "Kids and Finances Only." Eventually, she will get tired of being ignored and she will get the hint. It may take a while but it will happen.

You just have to be consistent in protecting yourself and your detachment by ignoring anything that isn't directly related to kids and finances.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 10:47 AM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Your wife is responsible for her actions just as you are responsible for yours. She can't MAKE YOU have an angry outburst like that.

As of today, you remain her husband. You can either feed her rationalizations and justifications for cheating on you and, likely soon, for divorcing you OR you can prove her wrong about you by being respectful and loving despite her failures until sometime in the future when you actually officially detach (Plan B) and thereafter divorce.

If she doesn't repent, you won't be stuck with her for very much longer....you'll divorce. But you'll divorce knowing you did all you could to save it and save your family.

Angry outbursts and calling her names is counterproductive to your goals. I realize you are an emotional basket case right now (I've been there) but get a grip. She's not going to feel guilty about cheating on you if she thinks you deserve(d) it.

Apologize to her and tell her that was just your hurt speaking and you are trying to change just as you hope she is trying to change too. Most wayward spouses will take a certain amount of justified anger...but the sooner you move from that and start to open up to one another and work at rebuilding and communicating intimately and SAFELY the better off you'll be.

It's not the end...but it was a mistake. Show her by YOUR actions how you'd wish she'd make amends for her actions by doing so yourself. Clean up your side of the street and let her (and help her when you can) clean up her side (or not, then plan B...then divorce).

*last thought... your wife behaved like a whore...and she's probably/hopefully feeling horrible about it internally. She may not let you know because she's still mad at you for exposing AND as many a wayward wife, blaming you (because she wouldn't have ever cheated if you weren't x, y and z and hadn't done x, y and z). Despite that her affair wasn't done AT YOU. She is insecure and her self-esteem is in the gutter. Affairs arise often from a self-loathing and the affair makes them feel alive, cool and relevant for the first time in a long time. Your wife needs pulling OUT of that cesspool of self-loathing...NOT you calling her names and pushing her back into the pile of shit she has made of her life. She doesn't deserve it and you aren't obligated to even help or try...but if you want TRY to get your family and wife back...you've got to be the rescuer.

Apologise to her

Fuck. That.

Apologise to her

Fuck. That.

If she's willing...go for it.

Seriously though...just because his wife deserves a rant doesn't mean you have to give it to her. Angry outbursts are unacceptable in marriage. I never called my wife a name in recovery. Eventually, she handled calling herself names all on her own once she realized what she'd done to the man that stood beside her through thick and thin.

Act, don't react.

Choose who you are and want to be (a husband, a father, a leader) and stick to it. Nothing she can do can MAKE YOU have an angry outburst.

That's NOT to say you can't be confrontational because you need to stand up for yourself and construct/maintain boundaries. I'm not suggesting conflict avoidance. But if you want to recover...you have to recover calmly and safely TOGETHER. She's not going to open up to you if it means risking a angry outburst whereupon you call her a whore/slut/etc. You almost have to detach and "charge" with a sort of neutrality. A neutrality that says: "I'm a great guy that's going to be OK either way...YOU should be attracted and want to be with me and I'm here to give you a chance...what are you thinking right now? If we are going to divorce...I want to know WHO I am divorcing????

Your mileage may vary.

[This message edited by Solution at 5:04 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

I understand what you are saying Solution. But, sometimes it does just feel good to tell the person who hurt you so deeply all the ugly things that you feel about them. It can be healing. Get it out instead of keeping it inside.

Stuffing feelings isn't a good thing.

BTW, kchip, I don't feel you owe WW an apology, either.

Seriously though...just because his wife deserves a rant doesn't mean you have to give it to her. Angry outbursts are unacceptable in marriage. I never called my wife a name in recovery. Eventually, she handled calling herself names all on her own once she realized what she'd done to the man that stood beside her through thick and thin.

Angry outbursts can have their place in a marriage. Fucking other people does not.

Really, trying everything to save his marriage? The man has walked through hell and carried his gods on his back, I think telling his wife to fuck off already because she can't stop twisting the knife is about as right a path to walk as he could have gone down.

I'm glad you were able to do something that made you feel better and lessened the pain, KChip. As a BS, I know that whatever helped me even a little, I tried to go for it. (Within reason, of course.)

Try hard not to engage with her at all. I realized that by engaging with my STBXWH, I was pleasing him and making him feel that he was still in control. It hurt his ego when I would no longer engage with him.

Solution, I think you have what could be good advice for some, but perhaps you are misunderstanding the situation. KChip and his WW plan to D.

ETA: When I say not to engage with her, I mean not to go places with her or engage in personal conversation, because it only hurts you more.

[This message edited by stillhere09 at 7:58 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

So, all the indignant "Fuck That" and bravo. Do you really think the boys didn't see/hear or feel what was going on? Or are they used to hearing their mom is a slut?

I have NO issue with you expressing anger, but as a parent don't forget that you are more than just a BH..

Stuffing feelings isn't a good thing.

I never said he couldn't express his feelings...just commented on how he choose to go about expressing them. There are better ways.

Further...it appears to me what he's truly "feeling" right now is hurt and disillusionment and his "feelings" are coming out sideways as inappropriate angry outbursts and hostility. Which is fine, I guess, if he's truly divorcing.

But wait a second, just two days ago Kchip was private messaging me asking me if I'd post to his thread and help him save his marriage. As I reviewed and read his several threads here he's all over the place. One day he's ranting about her the next day he's asking for help saving it. His "feelings" are conflicted. I think this poster loves his wife and family and is lost and certainly angry.

If I'm wrong, just let me know Kchip. Do you still love your wife? How much? All I'm saying is making her cry and calling her a whore isn't going to make her love you again or regret what she's done [which she might not ever do anyway...but kchip might think she's worth the risk...his call].

It's never to late to just try. The courage is in the doing.

[This message edited by Solution at 7:36 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

His "feelings" are conflicted. I think this poster loves his wife and family and is lost and certainly angry.

I feel that means he is like just about every other BS that has had the misfortune to need SI.

I feel what he did is normal for most BS's. I also feel a lot of BS's feel good after they say what has been racing around in their brain for weeks and weeks. (months, years?) Sometimes the anger just needs to come out.

OTOH, you can not continue talking to her that way, kchip. I have no reason to believe that you were planning on making this a habit.

He said he didn't say it in front of the kids. I think the kids are aware that things aren't going that well with their parents marriage already.

Yeah, she fucks another man, isn't remorseful, does things that triggers kchip and she knows it but he should just suck. it. up. He is already eating the shit sandwich, have a little more.

making her cry and calling her a whore isn't going to make her love you again or regret what she's done

That is very true. However, some of the best advice I have seen here at SI is that you can not "nice" a WS back to loving you or back into the marriage.

eta: I don't feel what kchip did was so terrible and I feel sometimes a WS needs to hear the awful things we feel they are/were.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:41 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]