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One of my biggest issues right now is the amount of texting that went on between them during the EA. (Phone calls as well but more concerned about the texting). For one month, they texted about 1000 between each other and the last two was about 3000.

He barely gets 200 to me in a 2 week time frame.

It bothers me that he had so much time to text her yet I get nothing at all. Granted, she is REALLY needy and he said that they fought often about him not communicating enough with her. I am not huge on talking on the phone and honestly, I am busy - I am in school, have kids, I don't have time to sit around and text all day long. She works in the food service industry and apparently, has plenty of time to text.

So, I guess my problem is why did he put so much effort towards her but doesn't towards me? It's not that I NEED the texts, but I just constantly wonder why he texts her so much more. It feels stupid to worry about it and please, toss me a 2x4 if it is because if I need a reality check, then toss it right at me. But I am so tired of wondering why he put so much more of himself towards her and not as much (texting wise) towards me.....

((mamak))

I hear you on this. fWH spent a lot of his work time communicating with them. I get one phone call and a couple texts a day, which is fine, because I am busy and this is an adult relationship, we don't need to be in touch ALL DAY LONG! That's how I think of it. I know it hurts. My fWH also said it was different as he was getting to know them so there was so much to talk about - stab to the heart. He doesn't remember saying that to me....

I understand....

[This message edited by rachelc at 10:06 AM, October 17th (Wednesday)]

I don't have an answer or a 2x4 but I wanted to tell you I am at EXACTLY the same place as you. R going well but I have the phone records right next to me as we speak. TONS of time/effort put into her while between us one text and one minute phone calls. It hurts that he was so invested and drawn to reach out to her and not me

Mamak I am going through the exact same thing with my WW. I have even ask her why with no answer of coarse. She says she has no time with kids job and so forth. Then I politely tell her that she had all that during the A too. But she found time. Someone on here replayed to me it was like the OM was a new car a new experience. But to me if they want ro save there marriage as bad as they tried to destroy it they.would make time. I go through what your talking about daily and it hurts. Makes me sometimes feel he was worth more than me. Not sure how to tell you to fix it though. I am a couple months out if Dday and still not getting them the way he did.

I don't have an answer or a 2x4 but I wanted to tell you I am at EXACTLY the same place as you. I have the phone records right next to me as we speak. TONS of time/effort put into her while between us one text and one minute phone calls. It hurts!

My fWW and MOM spent 6 weeks chatting (IM from their phones, not texting)... ALL DAY long, every day. Because of the method used, I have absolutely no idea what the equivalent number of texts would be, but I'd guess easily 5-10k for that time period. It was literally from the time they woke up, until the time they went to bed, minus some of the times their spouses were around. The MOM admitted he completely neglected his job during that time, and could not have maintained that for any length of time.

It was childish, and unsustainable.

I totally agree with others that you don't need that level of contact! They were "getting to know each other" and sharing all those intimate and life-story details with each other, that most spouses already know... I don't feel slighted at all. I chat with my wife usually once or twice during my workday, and that is plenty. We are always "there" for each other if need be. This is just something you need to discuss with your H, and find a common ground/understanding on. There's definitely a happy compromise for both of you on the level of contact throughout the day.

((mamak))

I know exactly how you feel about this other than not being anywhere close to R. In my case WW has been averaging about 100 texts per day with OM while I have about 20 for awhile now. In MC, WW said that she doesn’t text me because she knows I’m working. And she isn’t? OM isn’t?

I think that my WW needs constant attention and validation from an external source. Since I am emotionally unavailable (possibly true in the past) and don’t willingly participate in a seemingly constant need for connection (grow up, I’m working and so are you) that she must find someone else with which to connect. That connection is what is important to her, not necessarily the participant. At least this is my best guess at the moment.

HTH

For many years I got lots of phone calls during the day, lots and lots of texts when we finally got texting! Then just before the A started there was hardly any calls or texts.

During A I figured out the password to our wireless company and to my horror saw just how much he texted her!!! During a 9 hr workday I swear he texted back and forth like every 1-3 minutes and have like a 30 min break and start again. So about 400 texts during work! Plus he would call her as soon as he got out of work until he arrived at our driveway. He had stopped calling me when he got out and we used to talk until he got home.

This is one of the things I confronted him about. Just before I had enough and was depressed at my lowest, I wanted to and tried to end my life with a BUNCH of sleeping pills.

That night he slept in a spare room and in the morning came in the room just to check if I was breathing and walked out. That entire day, not one text to see how I was. I texted him once to ask about something and he replied like 2 hrs later very nasty saying that he was extremely busy at work and if I thought if he had his thumb up his ass all day at work.

Well I checked that day text and he was texting MOW allllll day! I saw my text and he replied to hers within a minute but ignored mine.

I know how and what you are feeling trust me!!!

We have been in R for about 17 months now. Things have changed since then. He texts me through out the day, sends me heart quotes, calls me. And calls me the minute he leaves work and we chat his entire ride home just like he used to for yrs.

I stressed over this and he would get upset telling me not to force things because he wanted to do it without feeling obligated. That pissed me off of course but things have changed so much and all for the better, like way better

Wow, can I relate to this one. fWH texted OW 300 + times a day. Insane. HOnestly, when I found out, but it was false R, he started texting me 300X a day...so that's 600 texts from WH a day. I saw some of their conversations.

- hi

- hi

- where are you?

- Parking the car

- cool

- love u

- love u more

-hi

- hi

-what are you doing now?

- miss u

- miss u too

dear GOD, it was painful for me to read, worse than 2 teens.

So...I do have to say, when fwh was texting me all day ( I guess seeing if I was willing to put my life aside to text him) everything in my life suffered. I coudln't get my work done, was distracted in conference calls, wasn't available with my kids if fWH wasnt there 'cause he was CONSTANTLY TEXTING ME!!!!!

I HATED IT! IF EVER anyone did that to me, new or old, I'd dump them flat.

I have no idea why they did that, but I do know that WH probably would have been fired eventually 'cause he was making TONS of mistakes at work.

IMO - your marriage/relationship is in real life, the A was simply bull "fantasy."

The texting is an extension of that. Ooooh, let's see how clever I can be ... ooooh, I can top that nasty text with one even nastier. And on and on. A game. Real life isn't a game. The energy expended is less likely toward the well being of the A partner and more likely energy towards making themselves seem fun, exciting and oh so witty ... stroke that ego.

It is just pretty poison that eventually chokes the user.

Real life doesn't run or sustain on that crap, but on real mutual communication. See it for the cheap garbage that it was.

Texting was the gateway drug for my WH. He would honestly wait until I went to sleep and then slither back downstairs to text her MORE. The amount of energy that went away from us, from me and from the kids, and to her makes me want to cry. Of course, everything these days makes me want to cry really.

HelpMeUp, I like your take on it though. It's almost (allllmost) comforting...

ugh this is triggering me. It was the texts during NYE - when he was with me- and i'm sure Christmas day that I just can't fathom.

And if he says he was too busy to text me during the same time of year - coming up in two months - as his affairs then I'll probably go ballistic.

My fWH did not even know how to really chat, IM, or text until I showed him how. That became their primary mode of communication during the A.

I'm in total agreement with helpmeup. My WS talked and texted OW WAAAAAY more than me.

He said it felt all new and he wanted to be witty and flirty all over again, while I was in meetings all day and would have to get off the phone quickly.

When we got home at night, well, he could look up and talk to me instead of text/call.

I was right there.

...so while I put a kid to bed or showered or washed dishes or read, he would "run to the garage, real quick" or "go snag some ice cream from the corner store" and call/text her.

We make a lot more trips together to that corner store, now. :)

Same kind of nonsense with my WH and OW...HUNDREDS of texts on phone records, then they took it underground and messaged through Twitter and Skype, so who knows what the equivalent would be. It was absolutely ridiculous. WH would get up in the middle of the night, go in the other room and send her messages. He would also come up with lame excuses to leave the house. I look at it as part of the addiction. I've had the pleasure (HA!) of reading about 3 weeks worth of their correspondence and if you take out the sex stuff, WH's making up lies about me and our relationship, and OW complaining about her SO there's really nothing interesting there. "What are you eating for dinner?", etc. It was really boring and stupid, sounded like a couple of teenagers.

Like what helpmeup said:

The texting is an extension of that. Ooooh, let's see how clever I can be ... ooooh, I can top that nasty text with one even nastier. And on and on. A game. Real life isn't a game. The energy expended is less likely toward the well being of the A partner and more likely energy towards making themselves seem fun, exciting and oh so witty ... stroke that ego.

I agree with you Stillhurt, that shit would drive me nuts, I couldn't get anything done, not sure how they managed to do anything during that time.

It doesn't even bother me anymore, their moronic behavior is just embarassing to witness, like watching a bad tv show. Wow, that's the first time I've said that about anything A-related. Milestone, I suppose, almost 7 months from Dday.

Seriously, are these people 16 year old girls? Who texts that much, ever? I know texting is the choicest communication for a lot of people, regardless of age - mine included - but it blows me away that someone could text 200 messages in a day to a single person. And repeat the next day.

I don't think my WH had that many texts. Can't say for sure. Work phone. I think it all comes back to the fact that texts are so easily deletable and so easy to hide in the first place. Easier than phone convos, easier than email (texting is harder to intercept and isn't accessible from multiple devices necessarily), easier than facilitating an in-person meet-up. It doesn't even require you to lie all that often (as in, compared to constructing lies about where you've been, etc.) And since it is so easy, I think it just multiplies ridiculously and beyond any recognition. Need an ego hit? Fire off a "what's up?" text - you'll get that hit in seconds with a response. And no one will ever know. Delete!

It was childish, and unsustainable.

I talked with WH yesterday and mentioned something like this. I told him that I can't text like that - in my line of work (well, I am in school but it will be my line of work in 6 1/2 months!!) if I spent that much time texting, people could DIE; if she did it, yeah, someone may not get a carrot with their lunch.

So...I do have to say, when fwh was texting me all day ( I guess seeing if I was willing to put my life aside to text him) everything in my life suffered. I coudln't get my work done, was distracted in conference calls, wasn't available with my kids if fWH wasnt there 'cause he was CONSTANTLY TEXTING ME!!!!!

I HATED IT! IF EVER anyone did that to me, new or old, I'd dump them flat.

Me too!!!!

Thank you all for your responses. It doesn't necessarily take the pain away but, it makes me feel less "crazy" for being upset about it knowing that others feel the same way I do.

(( SI ))

The amount of texts fWH and OW had between them was troubling to me, too. fWH explained that that was their only means of communication. They rarely spoke on the phone, and OW NEVER called him, just sent texts. So if you break it down like that, its understandable.

Same here.

If I added up all the text from the last year it may equal the two month between my WW and OM.

I don't get a single text or call most of the time. And when I do it is usualy about the kids or non relationship matters.

I understand the " reconecting" "catching up on last 18 years" part of it. And the distance made it their only means of communication.

But face to face relationship she has with me is also lacking any comunication. Sure we talk about what we need at home. Things that need to be done. But in three years she hasn't opened up or had any heart to heart talks that I haven't started.