SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out days ago that my wife of 8 years is displaying the characteristics of a "Toxic Wife" I've never heard of this before. I met her on the internet on 22 October 2004. Her 1st husband had not long left her with 3 small children, diabetes, high blood pressure, thyroid and asthma problems. I had been a divorcee too but for a few years previous. In April 2006, our daughter unexpectedly arrived and we were thrilled. We went on to marry in September 2006. I was very supportive of her and my new family and we were very much in love, although apparently i didnt show much affection in those early days and in fact, I still dont. But the sex was always really good. She was a bit too clingy back then and telling me how much she loved me all the time. I found this a bit over the top and I suppose I reacted accordingly. I've worked hard over the last 8 years to try and support her and the 4 children. Its not been easy but this year, cracks appeared in the relationship. I was exhausted, overweight and fed up. All her kids were growing. No one was listening to me and my wife has always been argumentative and jealous. I was being accused of having desires for my female customers and it was doing my head in. I left in July after some massive arguments and i went and lived in a tent for 40 nights in the woods. Then on 3 October 2012 I moved into a flat. Everything was fine. I was happy that i'd left her for the right reasons. Then, one week later on a saturday night, I received an email from her telling me i'm not the father of our 6 year old daughter. She had a fling 10 months into our relationship because she felt unloved and she thought I was upto no good. This guy has been on the scene for the last 7 years on the back burner. she knew that our marriage was shaky earlier in the year and she's been lining him up. He's back on the scene, they have done the DNA test and it's his alright. He wants to resume the father role and i've been shoved to one side and she wont let neither my daughter or I see each other. He already had a wife and young son who he's now left. I am so unhappy being denied my daughter. Its been 50 days now since I last saw her and we were so close. I would have a clue what she says when my daughter asks where daddy is. My daughter has also been told that she has two daddies now and one new brother. You couldnt make this stuff up. Its tragic. For my own sanity, ive had to walk away from the whole situation. My wife promises access but she delivers nothing. She has a cold heart and she is poison. The parting words from her ex husband to me 8 years ago were " You dont know what she's like" Those words have come back to haunt me!

I can't even fathom the pain of what you are going through. Please see a lawyer ASAP to find out your rights as your daughter's established father. DNA or not, YOU are daddy to her.

(((hugs))) and good luck.

Yes. You need to see an attorney about seeing your daughter. Any court that I know of will not let her use the child against you like that. You are the only father she has ever known and you are the father on the birth certificate. Just be aware that if you do want your wife to share cstody, then you may also be obliged to pay child support.

Gutted, I'm not sure what you actually want out of this scenario. Do you want to walk away from the child or do you want to remain in her life? Were you married when the child was born? Is your name on the birth certificate or did you sign a letter of paternity?

I'm not sure that your WW gets to have all of the say in this issue. You really need to see a lawyer ASAP.

How traumatic for that little girl to be ripped away from the *daddy* that she's known and be introduced to *new* daddy. That is just heart-breaking to think about.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and that your WW is being so ignorant and cruel about it.

I did want to fight for her at first. I was offered free legal support from a legal heavyweight who I know. He offered to get me to court for free. However, the pain of getting there with no guarantees at the end were too much. I'm far too raw at the moment. i'm better off in myself to cut away and run. I live in the same town and so i'll keep an eye out for her, even though I being denied access. Hopefully, she'll catch up with me when she's older. I have some legal papers to sort out which are to do with the divorce petition together with a supplemental form regarding the child. for sure, she can take me to the cleaners and make me pay for all 4 children. She's really pissed at me for sharing this news with close friends. But hey, what do you do? does she expect me to sweep it under the carpet and stay quiet?

I thought the child was conceived on holiday in spain. I was there at the birth, I am on the birth certificate, I was at the christening along with my whole family and thenI married the mother in a registry office along with all our 6 kids present and all our family. We had a big joyous occasion.

I'm so sorry for this truly horrific revelation!

For starters, I'd like to see proof of that DNA test.

Second, bio-dad owes you six years of support, medical costs, etc. If he thinks he's getting off without contributing a dime then he's got another thing coming! Of course, I have no idea if you have a leg to stand on with this. But I'd certainly pursue it!

Again, I'm so, so sorry!

I was offered free legal support from a legal heavyweight who I know. He offered to get me to court for free.

I think you need to have a long hard talk with your friend about this. You are on the birth certificate and have raised her as your own for 7 years, but are now being forced out. You may be on the hook for child support, etc that you don't owe.

Take a step back and make sure you're fully protecting yourself.

Did you adopt her other children? If not, why would you be responsible for CS?

I wouldn't just take her word for it that the child isn't your daughter. This may be her way to reel the OM in. See the lawyer and sort this all out.

You're on the birth certificate, raised her as your own for seven years. You have a big name lawyer willing to fight for you.

What, exactly, is easier about running away? At this point, you just have a liar's word that a DNA test was done.

I get that your wife's toxic. Don't you think it wise to allow your attorney to protect your rights and those of your child?

I just can't fathom taking a liar's word and giving up a child because it's somehow "easier."

Dude, it's not just about YOUR sanity. Your daughter will experience huge abandonment issues because, well, you're walking away from her.

Do what you need to do to get yourself glued back together. Then do the RIGHT thing by your little girl.

Her mother may be toxic. You owe it to her NOT to be.

You need to KNOW if this child is yours or not. I frankly would't trust your WW any further than I could spit a dead rat she very well could be lying to you. But frankly, after 6 years, the DNA results don't matter. You are and have been this child's father for all of her life. Do you really want to lose your connection with her? Do you want her to remember that she once had a father but he disappeared from her life because he refused to fight for her?

Dude, I don't mean to be mean to you. My heart is truly sore for your pain. But if you run away now, you may live in regret for the rest of your life. Please slow down, talk to your lawyer friend about your RIGHTS, and think long and hard. The fact that the mother is a POS doesn't have anything to do with your child. (((hugs)))

Thank you for the really good and helpful thought provoking feedback. I am taking your words on board. My cousin said to me that she might hold the queen but my ace will come in time. I need to hold tight and be patient, review the situation and adapt to changes as they occur. Keep very quiet and out of the picture, I must not feed her fire, she is burning white hot at the moment. no gung ho attitudes, no moves that I may regret. Above all, I must protect MYSELF, look after ME and make the decisions that I am happy with and have to live with. I'm listening to EVERYBODY and i'm grateful for everyone's input. I was a father with 3 step children and 1 natural child I thought was ours, I had status, I was a school governor, I had responsibility. Now its all gone. I am having to come to terms with that too.

I would insist in seeing that DNA lab report and the physician. You can't believe SHIT that comes out of her mouth. Never

Your situation is beyond harsh. Get on some AD's if you haven't already. I can't imagine your rage.

Man, I am so sorry. Hang in there brother. We are here for you! If you have family, now is a good time to spend it with them. Circle that wagons.

(((guttedxx1)))

So sorry that you are going through this horrible situation. No one deserves to be treated the way you have. Since when can you believe anything a liar says? You need to get your own DNA test. What if they are lying to you to get rid of you so the two of them can play happy family? What if she is your bio-child and you walked away because it is easier for you? You owe your child more than that. Even if she isn't your bio-child you are still her father in her eyes, your eyes, and the eyes of the law. Don't throw away your relationship to your daughter. She doesn't deserve this anymore than you do.

Please put your big boy britches on, put your hurt feelings aside for now and see to the best interest of your daughter. You will have time to grieve the loss of your marriage and step family but the welfare of your daughter has to take precendence right now. You are under an illusion if you think it is easier to walk away. Maybe in the short term but it will come back to bite you. Go to the lawyer and get the ball rolling. You need to do this or you will have years and years of regret.

You can't "keep an eye out" for your daughter if you aren't there for her to tell you if she is being emotionally or physically abused.

You will not owe money for the first three kids.

I think you'd rather abandon your daughter than spend time with her, because you're sure as hell going to owe child support for HER if you're on that birth certificate. So you should be in her life with visitation.

You can't "keep an eye out" for your daughter if you aren't there to know if she's being fed healthy foods instead of junk, helped with her homework, left home alone or with older siblings who bully her or are careless to where she could be hurt if they're her sitters and not watching her closely.

Hey gutted...

I'm kind of split on the advice you've been given so far.

On one hand, I tend to agree with the others that you would be remiss if you didn't see this through to determine if she is your daughter or not. You should be taking care of the legal aspects and getting your own DNA test done... if your toxic wife won't allow it you have the court require it. Something about all of this DOES sound very fishy.

On the other hand... if you DO find out that this is not your child I have a real problem with the guilt trip that's being handed down to you. Look... everyone always screams about the children. I know how it feels... it seems like people don't appreciate the fact that you have been defrauded into being a parent. You will hear stories from people who have been adopted and from parents who have their OWN biological children that you are the father and DNA doesn't matter and blah, blah, blah. They aren't in your shoes and most of them will never understand.

I have been in your shoes. I DO understand. I choose to be in the child's life in my story albeit in a more limited manner. At the same time, I wouldn't fault you at ALL if you chose to walk away. Honestly, I think most people would understand. It would be sad for everyone involved but it isn't your actions that set this in motion... it would be HER actions.

Find out for sure and then you can deal with this once you KNOW for sure what is reality. Honestly, I'm thinking your are going to find out that this is your biological daughter but there really is no way for me to know that.

Take care of yourself... this is a really horrible place to be in and it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Alexa

You definitely need to talk to the lawyer. I know you're in England, but in a lot of US states you'd be legally responsible for that child EVEN IF you aren't her biological father and were tricked into raising her. It's because the courts are to use "the best interests of the child" as their guide....not what "mom wants" or what's "fair to dad", what the flavor-of-the-day-boyfriend would like, etc. And generally the "best interests of the child" include continuity of relationships.....you've been her father for 7 years, and it WILL be psychologically damaging for her to lose that. This isn't a 6 month old baby who doesn't know any better, it a child with 7 years of bonding under her belt. And this guy who is supposedly her biological dad may have NO rights or responsibilities toward her under the law.

If you're going to be on the hook for child support and required to be tied to mom via the family law system until the child is grown.....you need to know what your rights and responsibilities are. And someone needs to get that child into counseling.

Wishing you luck and some peace of mind in this awful situation.

ETA: I'm not making a moral judgement regarding what I think you should do in respect to the child; this post is strictly a reminder that since the child is of a certain age, you may not have as much CHOICE in the matter as you'd like. Talking to a lawyer is of the utmost importance, since the law is what it is, and any decisions you DO make will need to be within the framework of the rights and responsibilities assigned to you by law.

[This message edited by MFC2011 at 7:22 AM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

Hi Gutted,

I'm so sorry for your situation. It's heartbreaking on so many levels.

Perhaps it's worth checking in with your legal eagle if for anything, to help your daughter. For 6 years you've been her Father. Imagine how confused and heartbroken you are over the situation, then try to understand it from a 6 yr old perspective. At very least, your wife needs to allow you a visit with her... your daughter deserves to know this isn't your choice.

Best of luck to you.

I am sure you can push for another independent DNA test to show who is the father of the child. You do need a top notch lawyer on this one. So have a double shot of self esteem mixed with some righteous anger and get back to the legal guy who has offered his services. Look at yourself in the mirror and know you are better than this. She is crapping on you and you are letting her. Stop that right now!

If she knew from the start (and she must have suspected), you may be able to do something on the fraud front as she put you down as the biological father. But I wonder if YOU will be considered the parent as you have brought her up so far and so on that basis the CSA might chase you for maintenance. I don’t see how you can be responsible for her other children though, unless they use the same definition of you being the other parent. With things as tight as they are on the economic front, I can see that scenario panning out unless you can get a lawyer with very big teeth.

There is a CSA document entitled What happens if someone denies they are the parent of a child? You should find it useful if you haven’t already seen it.

Here’s the link:

http://www.direct.gov.uk/prod_consum_dg/groups/dg_digitalassets/@dg/@en/@benefits/documents/digitalasset/dg_198851.pdf

You do NOT want this scenario:

http://www.csahell.com/dna-test-proved-i-am-not-the-father-csa-refuses-to-give-my-money-back-7321.html

The claimant is fighting to get back £16,000 in payments. The site might have some good general advice for you too.

Finally, there is this webpage on disputing parentage:

http://www.bailiffadviceonline.co.uk/csa_disputing.htm

I think you should see a counsellor regarding whether or not to try and have contact with your daughter. At the very least, leave a letter to her tucked into your will and with your solicitor.

ETA - to add some big hugs. (((((gutted))))) sorry you find yourself here.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 7:26 AM, November 1st (Thursday)]

Ok I will read all of the posts after work. But want to chime in. This is coming from someone dealing with a 23 month old who isnt mine.

You are not her father. I feel anyone who says "you are her father" has no idea what they are talking about. You are not her dad right now.. Would you like to be? You have a strong case to now be her dad. Your wife can't push you out. You are on the birth cert and I am sure 6 years is well past the limit to get off.

If you want off the birth cert and he wants on you may be off the hook.

Also is the bio dad for the other kids paying child support? If so she can't hammer you too for it.

Second, bio-dad owes you six years of support, medical costs, etc. If he thinks he's getting off without contributing a dime then he's got another thing coming! Of course, I have no idea if you have a leg to stand on with this. But I'd certainly pursue it!

Good luck with that it isnt going to happen. You as not the father can not request back child support.