SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A few years ago my wife and I met a couple who were new to our area, they had kids as do my wife and I. From the moment I met the husband there was something about him which made me uncomfortable but my wife was keen to build the friendship despite my concerns. We holidayed with this family and regularly socialized with them. The husband coached our son in baseball and my wife became very close to the other wife.

We have been married for 17 years and I thought we had a very strong bond, as with most families we were always very busy with kids, work etc etc. My wife and I are very social as were this other couple and blind freddy could see the connection between my wife and the other husband. The other couple were having some marriage (surprise surprise) and financial problems at the time and the other wife confided in my wife about their issues, my wife provided a shoulder to cry on and told her she needed to fight for her marriage. After every social event or party we would fight about her flirting and she would yell and scream about how I didn't trust her, what was my problem, I was anti social etc etc. She agreed for the sake of our marriage to cool the relationship with this couple. My wife handled all the household finances but one day I opened a phone bill, in a one month period there were about 100 texts and phone calls to this guys mobile number, her explanation was that she had caught him having coffee with another woman and he admitted to having an affair and my wife was helping him through it. I didn't believe this BS for a minute but I had no proof, she agreed to no further contact.

Fast forward 8 months and the other wife through her own investigations was able to find proof that infact my wife and her husband were having the affair and had been for about 18 months, she told my wife that if she didn't tell me about the affair then she would, my wife woke me before work one morning at 4.30am and admitted to the affair, she admitted to meeting him in a motel on a "few" occasions which I later found out was about 15 times. She used the old line that she wasn't in a good place at the time and he said all the right things, all the usual justifications. Looking back over the last 18 months it's clear my wife ran two very separate lives, she told lie after lie to protect the affair. Given the lies and way she treated the other wife all her female friends have deserted her.

This guy is a showman and a con and I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing, which doesn't make it any better, she still was able to run a very devious double life. She is very remorseful and is doing everything to put things right but I don't think I can put this behind us, there are too many grubby branches of the affair that I just can't get past. This person who I trusted and confided in for 17 years has committed the ultimate betrayal, I just don't trust her anymore, she admits she was sucked in but it just doesn't cut it. 15 meetings in a motel room in my books doesn't constitute a mistake or a lapse in judgement.

Initially I thought that I might have been part of the initial problem but I have convinced myself that nothing about this was my fault, I am a good honest husband,father and provider. If there wa a problem she should have talked to me, communication has never been a problem, or so I thought.

Welcome friend to the club no one wants to join.

This is new, and I know you're in so much pain right now, but it will get better over time.

Right now the number one issue is taking care of you. Eat and drink plenty of good liquids. Avoid alcohol. If you feel depressed or having sleep issues, sew your DR.

Listen, I know it may not seem this way, but you're ahead of the game already. You have a remorseful WW who seems to now beimg honest. Many here would die for that.

We're here for you amigo will any advice you need. We're also here to just listen. You're amongst friends.

I'm so happy you found us and so sad you had to join our ranks Lmodel. Just want to say you don't have to decide anything today - and if it is ultimately a dealbreaker for you, then it is. For right now though try to keep your health in mind: Eat, drink, exercise... This is a roller-coaster of pain and it does feel soul destroying.

Lots of good information in the Healing Library (upper left) and plenty of people here who know exactly how you feel! Welcome.

Sorry you have a reason to be here, but you found a great place for support.

The advice given so far is spot on. Do take the time to read the healing library. Even if it take you a month to finish it (I had trouble concentrating after I found out and it was difficult to stay focused on a topic for too long).

Your emotions are running high right now and some of this will take time (the dreaded four letter word). I remember reading that when I first got here and wondered how in the hell it could ever get any better, but it does. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and do your best as you can to keep being a good dad. You'll likely go through a miriad of stages before you get to a calm place where you can reflect on what has happened and decide if your marriage is right for you. You'll read it is easily a 2 - 5 year process. I have been married 20+ years and I found out 2 years ago. I am in a much better place with all of this now that I have had time to reflect.

Hang in there and post when you need to. I hope you find much deserved peace along the way.

Welcome, you've come to the right place. I don't think I saw when your DD was but I know in the beginning you really feel like your dying from the inside out. There is a lot of wisdom here and a ton of support. Read a lot and post when you need. I'm so sorry you had to come looking for us.

I believe that he sweet talked my wife into bed and she was just sucked in by the whole thing

Gently, and I think you do know this, she made a choice.

monster went down the "she seduced me!" route too. He also tried 'brain explosion' on for size for a while too. He honestly had no idea how he got there. I never did buy it no matter how much I wanted to.

He got there not because the opportunity arose but because his mindset is that of a wayward. Like an alcoholic who doesn't think they are an alcoholic because they don't drink before 3pm.

That wayward thinking was present throughout our entire relationship. At the time I didn't feel at all threatened by it because I trusted his fidelity.

I now see that it was only a matter of time. He was a dry drunk for the few years he was faithful to me. It was sheer willpower vs ingrained into his soul.

You are very early in. Take the time to explore it. It is not a decision best made in anger as you will unmake it. Its a decision that needs to be made with a clear head, some perspective and a lot of soul searching IMO. I didn't admit it was a dealbreaker until months after we Separated. Had he shown True Remorse I may have stayed unhappy for years, not knowing how to walk away.

I knew this was a dealbreaker for me but I didn't want it to be. His total lack of remorse was a blessing because I don't know that I could have walked away otherwise.

You need to spend some time working out if this is indeed a dealbreaker. For me it wasn't so much that he had sex with someone else, it was that I didn't want to be the marriage police forever. I didn't want him to have anything to be remorseful over, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I did not trust him and could not see how I ever could again. I also could not bear to trust him any less than 100%.

((Lmodel)) I know you feel like you are dying. I did too. I felt like the ground had swallowed me up. I questioned everything I have ever known, everything I have ever felt. I just couldn't believe this was actually happening. Not to me.

Something in me did die on DD. I would argue now that maybe it needed to. I shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. A or no A. I'm trying to work out why I did and I suspect it has something to do with what died in me that day - the belief that if someone loves you they would never do something like this to you.

They do, they will. Because it has nothing to do with love and everything to do with how they are built. We and our children are the collateral damage, that is all. That is so very hard to take but its true.

Sending you healing and peace friend. Keep reading, keep posting. You'll soon realise that you are not alone. Not by a long shot.

Welcome Brother. You have gotten some great advice. I want to echo StrongButBroken. Its very easy especially for us male BS to think our WW was conned into an A by the OM. While the OM is a scumbag you gotta keep in mind that your WW was the one who M you. She made vows and pledged her undying loyalty. She is the one who broke those vows. Dont take your eyes off who is really at fault here. Thats a very dangerous mindset. When I finally S/D my XWW I found out about a previous A my XWW had. And I could have written your post word for word with that situation. I too did not like this guy. I knew he was trouble. But my XWW insisted he and his W be in our lives. I got the same arguments from my WW about being too cautious and I was being unjustly jealous etc. He was a broke assed POS and had a rep for cheating on his W. I even bought all his kids presents one Xmas cause he was out of work. But like you he and my WW had an A. I knew something was up but had no evidence. One day she tells me her and his W had a falling out and did not want to be friends with them. I was actually happy about that as I could not stand either of them. Turns out the W found out about the A and never told me. A few yesrs later I did bust my XWW in another A. So it was a pattern in my case. I still have doubts about other dudes where an A was most likely possible. And Im sure they happened. She would never confess to anything. Take time to examine the past. This could be a pattern with your WW as well. Listen to the others who respond to you. Post and read often. You are not alone and your situation is not unique. Im sorry you find yourself here. But this is a great place for understanding and advice.

I just want to emphasize that when you hear 2-5 years to recover, that life starts getting better as your recovery proceeds. It's not 2-5 years of total agony.

If you take care of yourself, you'll find your soul again. Your post already shows signs of recovery, so hang in. You will heal. Life will be good again.

A don't press youself for a decision about outcomes. Right now you're in shock and filled with grief, anger, and fear. Take care of yourself, feel your feelings, and worry about an outcome later - when you'v regained some inner strength and are able to think clearly, without being overcome with emotion.

I feel you. I know how it feels. You came to the right place. Read up on all this place has got to offer, but hey, like all of us here always try to save your marriage first.

like all of us here always try to save your marriage first.

Not necessarily...(lmodel) yes or no, thats your choice latter and that choice will be whats right for you.

A don't press youself for a decision about outcomes. Right now you're in shock and filled with grief, anger, and fear. Take care of yourself, feel your feelings, and worry about an outcome later - when you'v regained some inner strength and are able to think clearly, without being overcome with emotion.

^^^ Most definitely this right now.

[This message edited by crushedheart09 at 9:21 AM, January 14th (Monday)]

She is very remorseful and is doing everything to put things right

How is she showing her remorse? This is important. You do not have to decide now if you want R or not. However, you do need to have a remorseful WW willing to do the work for R to be possible. Remember that your WW did not truly confess. She was caught by the OMW and forced to tell you. She then TT'd and blameshifted ("getting sucked in by it".

Please be careful. Focus on yourself first and foremost. If you're unsure you want to R then consult with a lawyer so you at least know how to protect yourself.