SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

STBX texted me before coming to pick up the boys this afternoon. Said she was planning on taking the boys for supper, and would I like to come?

We are trying to make things as easy as possible for the boys, so we have agreed that we will always give each other a hug when we meet up, just to let the boys know we don't hate each other.

Also, we don't have enough money to fight, and she has agreed to sign over part of her pension to me (I'm self-employed and make less than her; we've always assumed that we would both be living together off her pension when we retire). So it's in my best interests to keep this friendly.

So I said I would love to go out with them. We all had a great time.

After they got back home, we had this text exchange:

Her: Supper was fun, eh?

Me: It was. Thanks for suggesting it.

Her: :-)

Me: and hugging you was nice.

Her: Even though I can't be your wife, I sure do like being your friend. XO

Me: I like it too.

Of course, I had to text that last part through tears. I still love her with all my heart, even though I realize we can't be together - and I was the one who first suggested divorce.

Why'n fuck do I do this to myself? I feel as though I let her entrap me into her "letting me down easy". It's always been very important to her to have the upper hand in all our communication. I've always been made to feel as though I'm lucky to have her.

I'm such a boob on a stick.

((Pass))

I found that it was less painful for me, and easier to heal if I didn't see him.

Doing things like that validates her feelings that she's a "good" person, and that what she did is ok.

Gently, she's not your friend. Don't act like she is. When is the last time you ripped your friend's heart out through their chest? Yeah, never.

(((pass)))

The only one who truly benefits from the "let's be friends" scenario is the WS. It lets them believe that what they did isn't so bad, after all.

And I know you think you're making things easier on your kids, but really all you're doing is confusing them even more, and maybe even giving them false hope that their family will be whole again.

Then there's the whole what it's doing to you part. Look, you don't have to be mean to her about it, because you don't want to make waves until you have that settlement agreement legally binding. But for your own sake, try telling her you've got other plans and can't make it, when she invites you to family dinners. It doesn't matter if your plans are sitting at home watching TV. She, and your kids, need to get used to the idea of all of you not being a family together.

Gently here - I think for your own best interest you need to reassess the way in which you conduct your "friendliness" with her. In my opinion she wants to be your friend so she doesn't feel so bad about what she has done to you and your family. And then now, look at how you feel - terrible. You are just hurting yourself further - and you will get to the point where you want that to stop. Perhaps you just haven't gotten there yet - but you will.

I'd also just like to say that reading this post makes me think there there are truly good guys out there - I just unfortunately didn't marry one. I can tell you have a big heart and a caring individual that truly loved your wife. Channel that into someone who deserves it now - and that's not her.

I have fallen in this trap way too many times too!

Don't feel bad, and you are certainly not alone.

This is what my STBXH does to me all the time, "I thought we could be friends" but it's just too hard, because we have real feelings still, and they don't, like WilliesMom said, it makes them look like they are "a good person" - yeah now!

I won't allow him to do that to me anymore!

There will come a day, that you won't feel anything when you see her. Just hang in there.

She's not your friend. My STBX wanted this relationship as well-- I'm supposed to be all friendly with him, give him whatever he wants legally with a big smile on my face, and play nice with his OW (soon to be Wifetress).

Not. Going. To. Happen.

pass, gently-- while she walks away, feeling like she hasn't done any harm, you're being emotionally set back. It's okay to be civil with her, but no more hugs, meals or other outings with the kids. You're getting divorced. This is what divorce is like-- you don't spend time together any more, you don't exchange loving texts, and you certainly don't hug. Be polite-- but keep her at arm's length. You'll never move on with your own life if you're still playing the role of her husband. She fired you from that job, remember? She's cake eating-- pretend husband with happy family and new fantasy life, both of which she gets to control.

Don't let her control you anymore. Go NC/do the 180 on her as much as possible. It's healthiest for you, and frankly, it's less confusing for your boys. Do you want to continue giving them hope that you'll get back together? I'm sure that when they see you hugging and going out to dinner as a family, that's exactly what they're thinking.

I know this is hard. It totally sucks. I was right where you were when I was still living with STBX-- he wanted hugs, and to go out for coffee, and to continue going on scenic drives together, and it was so painful for me. I had to tell him that we were done with all that, which he didn't like at all, but too bad. Let them look to their APs for that fulfillment. Isn't that what they wanted? Isn't that why we're here? Let her go, pass, so that you can be set free as well.

(((pass)))

By acting like this the person receiving the greatest benefit here is your stbx. Reading your post made me want to come through the screen and give you a hug...your pain is so raw. Your boys need to deal with the hard truth that you two are not going to be married and that you are going to be leading separate lives and that is okay.

She betrayed you and your continued contact with her perpetuates the pain of that betrayal. Maybe someday you can coparent having dinner together...but not while you still need to heal and detach. Do something good for you...give yourself permission to distance yourself so you can detach.

((((pass))))

Everyone else pretty much said it all. I'm fairly early in this journey (less than 3 months since the last DDay and physically separating) but my WH has been singing the "Let's Be Friends for the Kid's Sake" song since day 1.

At first we not only hugged but kissed hello and goodbye We took the kids on family outings and dinners starting just days after we left (at his invitation for me to come along)but that brief time was a continuation of the hell he put me through before he left. Much like the affair, the offer of "friendship" is all about the WS maintaining control and feeling like a good person despite all the evidence against that description. My WH wanted and still wants nothing more than to be seen as the "good guy". He doesn't really care if I really see him as that or even if he treats me well like a "good guy" would (obviously since he happily destroyed our marriage). The offer for friendship is all about him. *I* should be treating him like the friendly, good guy he wants to believe he is and whether or not I really feel that way isn't important. If he cared, he would try to repair our relationship to the point of friendship by acknowledging what he's done and make amends FIRST. Then...over time...*hope* that I would be able to have those friendly feelings for him in the future. Nope! I should just offer it because he thinks he deserves it.

Really...what kind of "friend" treats a friend the way our Waywards treated us? Not one that I would add to my life!

Once I wrapped my brain around the fact that he is NOT who I thought he was and definitely not someone I would want as a husband or a friend, I couldn't think of a single reason to pretend. It was delaying my healing and likely very confusing for our children. If Mommy and Daddy are acting like a married couple, why aren't they living like one? All of that plus recognizing the piles of ego kibbles I was obviously giving him (by pretending he was so great I'd take any form of relationship I could get with him)...well...it made the choice easy!

At this moment he is NOTHING more than my STBX and the father of my children. That is all that is left between us by his making. He has done NOTHING to repair the damage so nothing has changed since he betrayed me other than me detaching and as a result beginning to heal.

Bottom line..if the friendship doesn't feel like one, it's not. Don't hurt yourself any further for her sake.

[This message edited by Housefulloflove at 9:01 PM, April 7th (Sunday)]

It's so hard. I know, the Dooosh kept saying we could "be friends" too. Ehh, no thanks. I'd rather stick a fork in my eye than be friends with a man who could call me nasty names like evil bitch and vindictive c***. Yeah, he went there.

And I'm not the one who cheated!

I know it's hard, and I get trying to pretend that it's for the kids - but reality is that you are sending a very screwed up message to your kids. My son is 9, and until very recently he was still hoping his dad would be coming back home (again) and not divorce his mom.

It's happening. And your kids need to know it's happening in your world too. They need to realize that life will go on, hard and painful as it may be right now. But to continue the "pretend" friendship is really doing them no good. What kind of relationship are you modeling?

I'm sorry, I know how hard this sucks. I still live with the pain of what he's done to me and our children every day. I still wish it didn't go down like this. I still believe we should NOT be here, in this horrible ugly awful place called Divorce.

But we are. And so are you. In order to heal, you've got to stop pretending she is your friend. Because in the end, a friend would NOT treat you like our waywards do.

You can be civil, even friendly toward one another without being friends and certainly without hugging.

I think you send the wrong message to your kids when you are too friendly. JMHO. You work at parenting as a team.. it doesn't mean you are on a hugging basis.

K

(((((Pass)))))

My XWW had a vision of us being great friends like OM and his 2nd XW loaning each other money buying each other groceries.I went along with fantacy.After D I explained she said herself some friend she is.And I not only did not want to be her friend I wanted N/C withe her no see no hear just text if needed or preferably e-mail she freaked out is having trouble with losing control over me had a meltdown fri was cold and composed sat and the drama was back today she was asking me where I was and tried to call me but I didnt answer.Its terribly hard but I need to heal.When I explained that to her she made fun of my "healing" We said we would Hug too but theres no way I struggle at times she really tries to get in my head but Ive had some great help from here amd another forum and my 2 brothers if not for all them id be miserable and she would be eating cake.

She texted me today and said she is moving a few states away I think trying to bait me to talk about something other than kids/finances but I didnt bite although its hard not to we have to be strong!

You can be cordial and show your children that you don't hate one another without displays of affection and without hanging out like the family that you no longer are.

In my honest opinion, things like going to dinner together and hugging one another in front of the children does more to confuse them (and making things harder for them) than simply being cordial and businesslike.

Add to that the inner turmoil that it causes you ... I agree with those who say that you need to rethink how you're handling this.

By being her "friend" you are telling her that you're okay with how things are and how they got that way.

In my honest opinion, things like going to dinner together and hugging one another in front of the children does more to confuse them (and making things harder for them) than simply being cordial and businesslike.

^^THIS. And everything else everyone else has said.

Don't do this to yourself man. None of this is 'for the kids' unless your intention is to help STBXWW continue to manipulate you and your boys.

And I have to say - the hugging is fucked up on so many levels. The cruelty is as astonishing as it is simple and effective. You are supposed to feel this way - by design.

I just love y'all. You tell me the things that I should know to be true, and you say such nice things to me.

For my entire marriage I wanted to get even a fraction of that warmth from STBX.

Thanks so much!

I know it's hard but NC is the best route. Whenever I see XWH or even receive a text from him I'm in for a whole week of pain, depression, and anger.

This "friend" thing is only so she feels less guilty.

(((hugs)))

Protect yourself.

Yep, apparently one of the boys was very upset and crying that night after our "family dinner". He didn't know why, but I think having all of us together just reminded him of what we're missing out on now that our family is broken up.

If it upsets me, I guess I shouldn't be surprised if it also upsets the little bubs.

I definitely need to set up more boundaries.

So sorry for you Pass.

I will be going into this same situation shortly,(seperating, pending Divorce) and my STBXWW has also floated the "We can still be friends" line. In my situation, she has been treating me like crap for nine months, so much of the "friendliness" has already washed away. I still have feelings, but I am hoping they lose some grip when we aren't in the same house.

Best of luck

Yep, apparently one of the boys was very upset and crying that night after our "family dinner". He didn't know why, but I think having all of us together just reminded him of what we're missing out on now that our family is broken up.

Aww...((((passjr)))) Poor little guy. My DS15 says it's hard to all be together like we're a family, then when we get into different cars and leave he feels bad.

You are very strong but you are also torturing yourself. My STBX texted me yesterday and said "I hope we can be friends when all this is over". I replied "With friends like you who needs enemies".

I will be civil for pick up/drop off. That is all he is ever getting from me ever again.