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Okay so I found a gmail acct today that H swears he told me about. Nothing hinky in the email, no chats, nada. creation date was around the same time that I was exploring Google Chrome as a means to have connectivity between mine and a client's computer so I wouldn't have to keep driving up there. H is all 'remember? We were trying to figure out Chrome and it said we needed a Gmail acct to access it?"

And unfortunately, I remember that timeframe, I remember messing with Chrome to see if it would work, but I don't remember him setting up a gmail, I truly don't. Now here lately (4 months or so) I am extremely forgetful. It's entirely possible he not only told me but showed it to me.

I guess the reason I'm posting is....I found it and went instantly ballistic; I mean flat calm to want to shoot somebody in a split second. Said some pretty catty /rough things to H that I cannot take back. Things like "well I guess you'll be up to your usual tricks while I'm out of town for a week in October". And then shut down and wouldn't talk to him anymore.

My logical part of the brain was in the background saying things like "but if he was being sneaky why would he have set the password recovery email on this acct to ya'lls JOINT email?" But that part was drowned out by rage so strong I was shaking from head to toe.

We are almost 18 months out from D-day. And I am exhausted. It feels like I'm right back at that night emotionally/mentally. This absolutely blows. I know we've made forward progress. Right now I just don't see it or feel it.

And so I am reaching out to those further along in this crappy journey. Help me. Please help me. Tell me this gets easier, that it's worth wading through all this shit to get to the other side. I just can't see the light at the end of this tunnel...

You had a trigger! I am so sorry it happened, but it is normal to feel that white hot rage.

I am sorry you got upset though. The A's do tend to make us forgetful of rage now ask questions later. My WH gets spam in his main account. It looks like it comes from a girl. STarts off. Cindy...then "Hey big guy" I know they are spam they all say the exact same thing, but that doesn't stop the moment of cold fear then rage.

It is something unfortunately we have to deal with from now on. If you want, and if you feel you need to. Apologize. you don't have to take anything back and that is okay. Consequences suck.

It is something unfortunately we have to deal with from now on.

I am 4 years out and still "check things out" regularly...probably always will. I occasionally find something "suspicious" like directions to an unusual location, calls to an unknown number or mail to/from an unknown email adress etc. I used to do the same thing you do...totally lost it...panic, rage, screaming lunatic behavior...then an emotional breakdown. I would try to hold it in...but usually couldn't keep it together and would confront...so far, everytime I was wrong and found a logical explanation for whatever it was. Now I still have those things happen, but I am able to keep it together and thing through it logically to confirm one way or th other. Communication is important and my WH would say when this happens don't hold it in until you meltdown...just ask me, but that always ends up with him sulking and me saying I am sorry which kinda makes me feel like a doormat. The professional advice you would get probably would be to have very open communication and talk things out, but to me it is IMPORTANT that you handle this on your own...make yourself wait...watch, listen and investigate before going to him. The forgetfulness is real too...I think it is a result of the stress and a normally logical person really struggles with this. It really does get better, you learn to live normally most of the time and kind of fall into routine to deal with the suspicions...the next year will get better, but the blind faith and total trust will never be the same. I know that sounds really hard, but you learn to trust your gut more and relax and enjoy what is good in the relationship.

The biggest part of my healing probably came when I just accepted that I was going to keep having to make the decision to stay, or go, but that it was MY decision.

When my dday hit, I had spent the last ten years checking up on teenagers...trying to trust, but verify. It was exhausting and my youngest was just at the point where I did not have to do that. I never, in a million years would have thought that the spy mode was going to continue with my husband...for the rest of my life. Just keep those wading boot on for a while...I think solid ground is ahead for us

So sorry Wannawork, it's exhausting, isn't it? Every so often something like this happens to me. A couple weeks ago I looked up a grad school friend of ours, remembered that my H and she had happened to meet in another state while working, and suddenly crashed: did he do anything with her? I was a crying mess for half a day...

Ugh. I hope your H was understanding. ((Wannawork))

Happens to the best of us. (Or so they tell me.)

Hopefully as the rage ebbs and this looks to make more sense, you'll feel a little better the next time something pops up.

(((Wwti)))

Definitely happened to me. I would go from calm and happy to an emotional mess and the HULK OF RAGE in a moment.....after a few times of feeling like a total jerk when it all proved to be innocent (in some cases they were things I even knew but had forgotten) I decided I needed to figure out how to stay calm and talk to H about whatever it was as soon as possible without the emotional freak out.

I realized, for me, that as things were going well for longer periods of time, those moments seemed more intense when they did happen....maybe because they happened infrequently???

I can't remember where but then I found this statement in one my readings:

The immediate effect of that emotional recall flushes the system with the chemistry of that exact emotion.....but the event is not happening again. It is how we think about it that drives the emotion.

And I realized my reactions had become like a habit....an unhealthy habit I needed to break so that's what I did...broke the habit using tools I've used in the past to replace bad habits with good ones.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it helped me realize I could do something about this recurring emotional reaction....that I didn't have to relive it over and over again......

I'm sorry this happened. There were times I found I could channel the rage into something positive: exercise or yardwork.

I'm on medication for my rage. It's just been too much for me.

I am learning better ways to cope with the rage now and hopefully will one day not need the medication anymore.

i have felt the exact same way....

during my false r....i would check up on him...and find something..and then go into a rage..be sad, yell at him...and he would gaslight me into thinking i was crazy...or i misinterpreted what i saw...or deny doing any wrongdoing...and i would end up feeling bad for "accusing him." this went on for months...until a dirty text i found told me i had been in false r the whole time. i should have trusted my instincts...my gut told me he was full of crap, but i didnt believe it.

and now....we are attempting a real r....i still go into a rage...accuse, and all of that....but it is different now. i am armed with the knowledge and confidence that if i do ever find anything suspicious...that i WILL trust my gut and not my heart and divorce him...and he knows this. and even still...when i may question him...or trigger...i do not feel bad "for him" anymore that i acted the way i did...and i dont feel bad that i ruined the mood...or the happy dinner...or any of that...it is all part of my healing. and if he is uncomfortable because i am upset, then so be it. he is compassionate now...and shows remorse...but i no longer let him dictate how i should feel...or how long i should feel it...you know what i mean?

if you feel like checking up on him, then do it...do it until you feel emotionally safe enough not to do so...if you are in a rage..and take it out on him...that that is okay too.

Thank you for posting this.

Makes me feel normal.