SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He is finally coming to see the kids - we are very long distance, but it has been 5 months.

And he wants to stay in MY house. Yes - it used to be our house, but really!? (He won't even tell me his new address, but it is ok if he pops in and uses my place as a hotel?!)

He has money to buy a car (in a city where he doesn't need one) and see his OW overseas every month, but he can't afford a "nice" hotel so that his kids can stay with him?! And he wants to play WII etc with them.

I reply "I don't think anyone would be comfortable with that." His response ... "Think of DS1 and DS2"

Seriously?!

And OW is in this country too - that will be great - him staying here and sneaking off to be with her. Just like old times! Fabulous ...!

N.F.W. ......

No f'ing way!

I agree. Do not let him try and wedge his way in using the kids. Would only be confusing. Did he "think of DS1 and DS2" when he had the affair and left?

FTG! He can stay in a cardboard box!

He does not need to stay in your house. He needs to get a hotel. Period.

Just goes to show you how much respect he has for you....I'm sorry.

He really doesn't have a say in staying at YOUR house.

Tell him you are thinking of the kids and that's why he is not welcomed there.

Plus your not a B&B.

F.T.G. I wouldn't even let him in the front door. He can pick up the kids, spend some time with them and then drop them off. Period.

A big NO from me too. He needs to source his own accommodation, but you will make sure the children are available to visit with him during his stay.

He is testing you. Don't allow him in your house.

He is not thinking of the kids he is thinking of himself...yes unbelievable!

Possibly allow him to meet at the front door or at a neutral location...but you need to make a believer out of him! Stand your ground!

1 word: Boundaries

Okay 3 words: Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries.

It is your home now. Your space. He should not even cross the threshold, much less spend time there.

And as for the kids? It would be nothing but confusing and painful for them.

And as for the kids? It would be nothing but confusing and painful for them.

This ^^ I don't care if he has to sleep under the stars or in the pouring rain. Kids cling to the hope mom and dad will get back together - don't do this to them, or you... And if he uses the excuse he can't afford to stay elsewhere - too bad. Better he not come at all then send that kind of confusing message. If it is important to him he will find a way - if not -- F.T.G.

Wait ..... it gets even better...

His text to me: "Thanks - I appreciate your decision. I understand that you made it fully considering the kids, right? Or can I come over and play with the kids in the day and go back to the hotel at night? I understand how you feel and I want to help you heal. At the same time, I want to think about our kids and how they feel. Do you think you and I can have dinner one night? And by the way, if the hotel is expensive, I will have to shorten my stay"

Manipulate much? Did I used to fall for this crap??

I think the reality is that he has no idea how to handle 2 kids on his own. He has only ever done it once for 2 days. Once he had gone, I have made a real effort to be "fun" because I realized that I was always responsible and let him play the "fun" role. I can learn how to be fun - can he learn how to be responsible and still have enough fun with his kids? My guess is he will dump off the little one and mostly spend time with the older one. Although .... we are just telling the older one (since we promised to do it together in person) and his grief may be too much for Disney dad to handle.

SeanFLA - I had never thought of it that way, you are right. He doesn't respect me.

And as you all have said "boundaries"! Time to set them and keep them.

There were SO many things I want to respond with, but I kept it to "You can pick up and drop off the kids at the front entrance on the 1st floor" (We are upstairs in an apartment)

Hold firm. He will rail and whine and throw his little mantrum. They do this when a boundary gets put in place. But he'll learn.

FTG.

I like what you said about having to learn to be the fun parent. I've had to learn that too over the past year.

Possibly allow him to meet at the front door or at a neutral location...but you need to make a believer out of him! Stand your ground!

Ignore the comment about the shortened stay. His problem, not yours.

I would not let him 10 feet within your house. Meet him at the neutral location, like the hotel lobby. The kids will think staying at a hotel will be really fun.

I think the reality is that he has no idea how to handle 2 kids on his own.

Yep. I think this is why he has MOW around All.The.Damn.Time. He just doesn't know how to be a dad. Fun, fun, fun, but no real parenting At.All.

There were SO many things I want to respond with, but I kept it to "You can pick up and drop off the kids at the front entrance on the 1st floor" (We are upstairs in an apartment)

Perfect! Good job ignoring all his other crap and being firm on your boundaries. These FTs must learn..

"Thanks - I appreciate your decision. I understand that you made it fully considering the kids, right? Or can I come over and play with the kids in the day and go back to the hotel at night? I understand how you feel and I want to help you heal. At the same time, I want to think about our kids and how they feel. Do you think you and I can have dinner one night? And by the way, if the hotel is expensive, I will have to shorten my stay"

"I'm sure the kids are excited about staying with you in a hotel. There are plenty of activities you can do with them around town, or I will send along some of their favorite games that can be played at the hotel. If the hotel has a pool, I can also send along their swimsuits. I'm glad you are finally being an active parent and spending quality time with your children, fucktard."

You did great...yes there may be many things to address to him but you are wise to keep it simple.

He sounds like he wants to reconcile with you or simply have a night of cake eating...even so creating proper boundaries in a relationship where they did not exist is a powerful equilizer.

You owe him nothing! You do have the ability to cause him to act like a man in this situation even if it means denying him what he thinks he should have.

Knowledge is a light that shines on a dark understanding even if that understanding was ours. Once the light shines the darkness dissappears time to share some light to his dark understanding!

I find it so sad when they pull the "think of the kids" only when it serves their own purposes.

You don't have to answer to him or justify your decisions anymore.

He needs to put on his big boy pants and learn how to be a dad. You can and should facilitate that by allowing him access as and when you see fit. He needs to do the rest.

Don't let his guilt trip get to you. He is feeling like the shit father that he is and as per usual is trying to make it your fault.

Carry your own water dude, seriously.

Not allowing him in your house IS thinking of the kids. Because having him there will be confusing and might give them hope that he will come home. If he wants to spend time with the kids he should take them away from your home to do it. He does not get to leave you and them drop in to play family on a whim. He wants to get a D, he needs to learn what that actually looks like.

And he wants to stay in MY house. Yes - it used to be our house, but really!? (He won't even tell me his new address, but it is ok if he pops in and uses my place as a hotel?!)

FUCK, NO.

^^^^ yeah