SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear SI...I am seperated from my spouse after having. Second DDAY about 3 months ago. I left him and I am living with my father. We split custody of our son. I moved back to my hometown, he did as well so we can co parent our son.

He told me that he wants me to trust him again. He is starting to do many things that point to the fact he can possibly be trusted . We both admit we still care for each other but I can't trust him right now. We talk and text on a regular basis. We also spend time together, mostly with our son as well. I am trying to keep my distance from him in some ways though because he has hurt me so badly.

I don't feel like I am ready to divorce him. I look at him and still love him. Although I don't feel as if I can get close to him or trust him at this point. We both agree that we can't be together right now ( mostly my choice) but we don't know what might happen in the future.

I still love him, although I am very cautious of him.

Is it right to still be friendly with him?? I don't feel like I want to divorce him tomorrow, yet I am nowhere near wanting to pursue a relationship with him either. Think he feels the same way.

Or am I just blind to see this is over and losing on to false hope? Oh I wish I knew....

Is he seeing the OW or in contact with her? That's nearly everything you need to know.

No, not from what I know. I have access to his Facebook, e mail, cell phone records and cell phone. All of this points to no. But I have been fooled before, that's why I can't trust

Is he IC?

Are you in MC?

Only you can decide if it is worth trying to R.

Please be cautious though.

Only you can decide when enough is enough, if you love him enough to take future risks, and whether he can be sincerely devoted and faithful in the future. Proving he is worthy will take a lot of time given the lta.

I think your confusion about your feelings for him is normal, and that time and distance will help suss that out: what is love, what is need, what is fear, what is habit.... You want to consider too that sometimes we have to walk away from people we sincerely love because they are truly bad for us, and incapable of reciprocating love, or fidelity.

Meanwhile, your caution, and inability to trust makes perfect sense. I would watch his actions, stay guarded, and not rush into anything. I would also have a secret VAR in his car: words are cheap -- so are secret cell phones.

That he has given you access is good but is NC a demand right now? Are there rules to this separation regarding what would be a dealbreaker that would result in your seeking D? I would think there ought to be very clear, black and white, rules and consequences laid out.

Is he searching for the reason he felt it was okay not only to cheat, but to take it underground for 2.5 more years while you were pregnant and caring for his child? What is it about him that made it okay to put you through that kind of hell?

It's a hard choice. Hardest one you will ever make. A friend of mine told me this..."If you do decide to reconcile, you better be willing to go through the emotions and the pain twice."

Couldn't be more true and that's your gamble here. I would give yourself lots more time. If you have a roof over your head and a family who cares about you to stay with, take your time. Maybe both of you should try dating. Go out for 3-6 months, see if there's still a spark. No sex, no sleepovers, etc. At the end of the evening he drops you off. See what his true intentions are. If he's remorseful and wants you back, it will show over that time.

After about 4 months of our separation, I had convinced myself that I didn't love him anymore. Now, I think the truth was that I did love him, but I had given up hope for saving our marriage.

We started dating after about 6.5 months of separation. He had not been with OW in 2 months. We took things slowly. Continued to keep the visitation schedule, support, etc. We did start having sex again - but no sleepovers. His first was Christmas Eve. Then New Year's Eve. After that it moved rather quickly. He finally moved home on February 21st.

Our reconciliation is going well considering. I still have days, like this past weekend, when I wonder why I'm still in this marriage. It's not because he's doing anything wrong. He's the picture perfect remorseful spouse. I just sometimes feel like I'm compromising my own values by taking him back after everything I know now. Part of my healing is accepting the past and looking to the future. It's just taking me time.

R is not a walk in the park. It's hard to come back together after separation and the special hell that creates. Both of you have to be willing to make your M your #1 priority - even above your son.

Unless one of you is in a hurry to remarry, there shouldn't be a big rush to get divorced. It's a big decision either way. Take your time and do what feels right to you. Don't try to label it or put pressure on yourself or him.

((hugs))

Thank you everyone for all your comments. I am taking it slow and doing things for myself and focusing on what makes me happy.

He has bought a place 25 min away from me and he moves in July 22. I am upset we will be living seperate but happy I will be able to be on my own for a while. I need my space from him.

I guess time will tell if this will work out. I am not going to force myself to make a decision tomorrow about whether to divorce him. I don't want to do it today, so I will wait until I'm pretty sure.

Sadly, I am in the same boat. I am hoping the separation will make him realize what he is giving up. We are working our way through dissolution paperwork, but it is slow as there is no real hurry for either of us. We have started talking in the past week. Don't expect anything to come of it, but we are not at each other's throat. I don't trust him and don't want a relationship either, but I am open to talking at this point (with my full guard up). Even if we do go thru with the D, I would much rather keep it civil if possible. After almost 30 years it is not possible to turn feelings off like a faucet. So I feel your mixed feelings completely.

Yes, sometimes I feel a little twinge and can't believe it still might be in there.

I think it's for who he was once in my life and all he did for me, kind of happening when going down memory lane or something.

I think it takes a really long time to go away sometimes and can even be hidden deep within the hurt.