Dear Broken&C, Your husband has many, many addictive behaviors. He may not be drinking, but he obviously didn't take his treatment seriously as he was using women, unhealthily, to self-soothe while in treatment!!! This is so against the 12 step principles! What you have on your hands is a dry-drunk that has many more addicitons. Until he learns healthy ways to cope, entertain and amuse himself, he continues to be an abusive mess.
For you this has been a 14 year disaster in the making. He blames you, yet verbalizes that things are his fault. You can't have both!!! Either it is his fault, or it isn't, period.
He tells you that he is trying because he has a job and isn't drinking. Oh, for Pete's sake!!! How really special, right? The rest of the world has a job and doesn't drink to addiction, but he should be rewarded for doing the bare minimum that a responsible adult does? Nope, he doesn't get a gold star!
Considering his thought patterns and behavior you will never be able to give him enough attention, "put out" enough, or have a Holy enought M (WTF?) for him to be faithful and responsible.
As to you thinking that your resentments causing your husband's affiars, it is just stinking thinking! Your husband failed to provide, was lazy, disrespectful, crude, accusatory, drunk, a womanizer, a philanderer, and adulterer and a porn imbibing fool. If ANYONE deserved to have an affair it would have been you.
The fact that he equates your action of divorce to be as damaging as all of what he has, and hasn't done, is mind blowing! Obviously this man hasn't hit bottom yet. If the divorce action hasn't woken him up, completely, nothing will! NOTHING!
Your husband doesn't even accept responsibility for his harmful behaviors in conversation, how can you possibly expect him to accept repsonsibility and change his behavior? You can't! If he doesn't change how he thinks, nothing changes.
As to his claim that everyone will hurt worse because of the divorce? Stinking thinking on his part. It is like cancer, it must be excised and treated before one can consider themselves on the path to healing. I know this to be true. He hasn't just harmed you he has jeopardized everything that you hold dear, your mental and physical health, your heart, your children and their lifestyles and developing attitudes, and your childrens' and your peace of mind. Considering that he hasn't changed, your only recourse is to excise the rotten, stinking disease.