Before posting here I've checked out the Healing Library briefly, obviously there is a lot there to go through and I do plan to serve myself to it. I've also read the 180. It does makes sense even though I can see how hard it will be! I've also read a number of posts as well, mostly in this forum; some made me cry, a little for myself as I am feeling the same as some describe but also for the others who are clearly in so much pain… and at the same time, I am amazed at how many absolutely wonderful people there are here trying to help others. Thank you for this.
So my situation, as I see it, is this: 3 years ago I fell in love with a man who does not exist. I’d split from my previous relationship (of 12 years – age 18-30) and had been single, just dating here and there, for about 2 years. No one in that time interested me one bit. No chemistry, no interest, just nothing. Everything felt forced and uncomfortable. Then there was him. We met online of course but I wanted to meet as soon as possible… I’m better in person. And there was instant chemistry, major attraction, major interest. I felt like I was a teenager again. I could not believe that those feelings could still occur as an adult. Absolutely amazing as all first love is I guess. And so we continued to date and things were great. I should note that he’d been officially separated from his wife for 6 months when we met, though from what I understand, prior to her moving out, they were separated while living together still for several months as well since their youngest was a baby. Anyway, an ugly, stressful divorce proceeding began shortly into our relationship and lasted about a year. I met his children (I have none) about 3 months into the relationship and we hit it off. Since they were 1yr and 3 yrs old it was easy to connect with them and we really did connect. Now it's 3 years later and I love them so much.
So before I continue I want to share that he has suffers from depression and anxiety, the onset of which began early in his marriage (about 8 years ago) and appeared in a very severe form. He could not leave the house for the better part of a year (literally) and had attempted suicide. Years of therapy and medication and learning some coping tools (some of which are obviously unhealthy and destructive and unbeknownst to his doctor - in my opinion) allowed him to learn to manage the illness (though he still can’t travel beyond an hour or so drive from his home however, and he does still experience some low periods from time to time though I don’t believe suicide is any longer a threat) but real discovery of the origins of the illness and true healing I don’t believe has ever occurred. He was still seeing his doctor regularly when we met and continued to do so for more than a year later but then it stopped. He felt done. He could control his anxiety, talk himself through episodes, and pushed the boundaries of travel more and more. And he has no insurance or benefits so it costs a fortune and she wrecked him financially in the divorce. Further along in my adventure with this man I have come to believe there is even more going on. I believe there is a personality disorder there, he is without question a narcissist, with, at times incredibly low self esteem and haunted with shame. If I wasn't so damn heartbroken, I'd genuinely be fascinated.
Anyway, back to the beginning, after dating for some time it was becoming apparent that he was not completely honest in the beginning. Certain things like he had upgraded his education to University degree when really it was a college diploma in that field (He is not an Engineer he is an Engineering Technologist)… I chalked up that up to being insecure about his position because he is the only member of his family who does not have a degree (frankly who isn’t a dentist and as a result extremely wealthy – yep Dad, Brother and Sister and Brother in Law, all dentists or dental surgeons). I could tell he felt inadequate about that and I felt sorry for him that he felt that way. I’ve never believed status, wealth or society’s opinion of achievement/success ever really defined you as a person and those things certainly don’t mean that you are a better or worse than someone else. But he seemed to believe this rather deeply and felt what seems like shame for what a failure he was. There were other lies that became apparent but all seem to stem from the same insecurity and so it made me see him in a different light. Obviously the man he presented himself to be is not the real guy and to be honest, I became far more attracted to the real guy with all this vulnerability and pain, and much less to the fabricated one… He is extremely affectionate and expressive of love. I was also genuinely intrigued at this man’s complexity. So I stuck around and re-fell in love... even more so this time. I tried to be as supportive and encouraging as I could since he clearly still had a lot of healing to do.
Well I don't know if it is summer fever or the fact that he can't be left alone for any period of time or this is seasonal sexual narcissism? I swear I think that's possible! but every summer we've been together he cheats. Usually with at least 2 women. He tells them the same lies he told me and they fall for him like I did. Yes, we are all ridiculous. K I don’t mean that… I am having a bitter moment. I don't believe that at all... he is very charismatic, very attractive, and a good lover. Not as great as he believes he is though, tsk. Anyway, he knows exactly what to say. He is an actor and he's mastered his lines. We, all of us, are good women just wanting to give and receive love. They have no idea who he really is. Us silly codependants... we're magnets for the narces. Yes, at least some of my own issues are not lost on me. I spent the entire night crying, screaming, blubbering.... and now exhausted and find this almost funny. He's now out with one of them as I type this, thus the reason for the crying episode earlier.
Anyway, I digress. Wow this is long. I am sorry. But it is getting me through this awful night and keeping me from playing the image of him with another woman. So if you’re not into reading a novel, I won’t hold it against anyone.
Well, anyway… I feel it immediately. The change in him when it happens... I get this feeling in my gut. It is strong and tells me something is amiss. I didn’t know what it was the first time but now I know, my gut in this situation is never wrong. I feel it before I noticed the behaviours. Then I start to pay attention. The first time I was confused and didn't understand it and was absolutely shocked, he denied it so then I needed to find proof so he couldn’t, which was easy cause he doesn’t thinks I am dumber than I am. Finally he owns it and says he was lonely and didn't feel enough love from me but it wasn’t me that no one could give him as much love as he needed and at the same time he felt the need to be wild. He was in a marriage for so long and separated for 6 months when we met. He didn't have enough time. He loved me and he knew it wasn’t fair to expect more from me, no one could give him what he needed, he needed too much. He wanted to feel loved and desired. The first time, we were dating so we didn't see each other daily. I understood the need to sow the oats. I was hurt but didnt think it was the end of the world. I don't think cheating is unforgivable as long as there is honesty and a desire to truly reconcile... which I thought we had afterward. I told him it stops now and he agreed and did what I asked. He seemed genuinely remorseful.
The second time i went away on vacation with friends and without him - remember he can't travel- came home found underwear in the bed...tsk; similar, only the divorce was still going on and it really had been hell, like really bad. He was feeling especially low but at the time I didnt realize how much and so I went cause he said he was fine. I honestly would have cancelled if he wasnt. But of course he wasnt and off he went seducing some poor unsuspecting single mom... Again though he seemed remorseful but he went back and forth between being very cold, almost nasty and then back to loving for a while before he finally got back to ‘normal’. Trust took a long time this time but somehow I just forgot about it because things were great and the behaviours were gone.
And now.. they’re BACK. This time i was extremely busy at work, major OT for 2 weeks, no choice and he got lonely and off he went. Back to denying but I already checked his phone and have my proof. But if he knows I hacked his phone then he'll just change his password and make it harder. I don't really need to confront him anyway. I know what he's doing and knew it immediately. All the behaviours are back. He knows I know but he still wants to play this denial game. It’s been icy cold in the house for a week now with sweetness few and far between (sweetness is usually our normal). Ugh that’s hard. I hate the cold. And before leaving tonight he instigated a conflict… He is almost blatantly now throwing it in my face going out tonight the way he did. I texted him to come home and to stop what he’s doing. It’s wrong and hurtful and I don’t deserve this. The response I got was… doing what? I’m not doing anything wrong bunny…. Bunny is my pet name. Sweetness is back. He calls me by my real name ONLY during the cold spell. Miss is when he’s just being friendly, but Bunny is our normal sweetness. He must be post-coital.
AHHHHHHH
So now, since I am obviously still not prepared to leave, I feel somewhat responsible for these unsuspecting women who are falling victim to his behaviour. I have to give him credit, he’s got great taste in women
From what I can see (I’ve never met one just from the evidence trail) they seem to be kind, generous, smart and attractive women just looking for love… and genuinely have no idea that he’s got more than one on the go PLUS a live-in girlfriend who he’s made a family life with in his home and with his children. Often they are single mom’s as well so he’s got an in there too being a single dad but I almost find that extra mean. Single parenting isn’t easy and he has live in help!
He’s getting better at hiding his tracks though. All I have from one of them now is a blackberry bbm pin and I don’t have a blackberry so I can’t pin her to warn her. And Miss Bunny Co-dependant has basically neglected her friendships for the last 3 years and so confiding in anyone the humiliation I feel is also not going to happen anytime soon. So, basically no warning her. So this will continue and she will get hurt worse the longer it goes one and I will continue to get hurt and on we go on the merry-go-round.
Yippee
Again I apologize for the length but I am no longer crying and no longer bitter and I think I will actually be able to sleep a couple of hours now, till he gets home.