SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It is often said here on SI for the WS and the AP - "Broken people attract broken people" implying that both of them were/are broken.

In most cases or a lot of cases, the BS is very much in love and attracted to the WS during the A. Does this mean that the BS is also a broken person (at least at some level)?

I was when I started dating stbx. I remember not being attracted to him and fretting about his lack of ownership in the relationship. Its like I saw the signs but ignored them. I was a mess after my first divorce, fearful for my life and kids safety. Low self esteem because I came from farm country and years of emotional abuse. Stbx was nice, sweet and didn't abuse me. I thought I was safe and that maybe married life isn't exciting.

Stbx is pursing me hard prior to the D final, but after years of therapy, I walk away thinking ewww, grosss passive agressive, narssasistic ugly man. I see it now.

I am similar to newnormal. I was 18 with emotional overload from my parents divorce and coming from an abusive childhood. He was almost 30. Ding ding ding...

I ignored all the signs, but I see them now also.

I was, definitely. We had a fucked-up dynamic for a long time. We're working on that now.

Nope.

Well, I guess I would ask what you mean by broken?

We all are human, none of us are perfect and we all come into relationships with preconceived notions on what marriage should be, etc. Many of us even come in with previous relationship baggage and perhaps family issues.

I don't think you are broken because you were in love and attracted to your husband during the affair, especially if you didn't know he was cheating on you. How would that make you broken?

Are you somehow trying to justify your husband's affair?

Regardless of having issues of any kind; individually or martially does not justify cheating ever. There is no excuse.

Now, I do believe we all can be better people and better partners but our being "broken" does not justify the fact he chose to cheat.

Just my 2.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:29 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

the BS is very much in love and attracted to the WS during the A

the bs is very much in love and attracted to the person the ws is presenting themselves to be during the A.

I don't think I was broken. My morals were very much intact. My priorities were straight. I thought we had a great relationship. We did not argue, had great sex, acted as a team with the kids, etc. To me, we were an average upper-middle class couple dealing with kids, careers, bills and aging parents/grandparents.

Unfortunately, I didn't know that when I went to bed at night, he led a double-life on the internet. Where I met reality head-on and bulldogged my way thru, he escaped into porn and chat rooms and eventually fell straight down the rabbit hole!

I have always loved my husband. Looking back though, I think during those 6 years I was in love with the man I wanted to see. The boy-turned-man that I fell in love with 21 years ago in college.

But I, TXBW68, was not broken until he walked out on me last year. Now, I'm a stronger better version of myself - and so is he. And I can say that I'm in love with my husband, the real guy, yet again.

In most cases or a lot of cases, the BS is very much in love and attracted to the WS during the A. Does this mean that the BS is also a broken person (at least at some level)?

I've seen some BS's that weren't overly enamoured with their WS's during their affairs because they were distant and detached.

It's individual.

If your WS was an insecure and unhappy person that became confident and cheerful I'd hardly think that would make you broken. More like happy and probably a bit curious.

If 'you' knew their were red flags that were more banners accompanied with marching bands when you met the person and you ignored because you wanted it to work out, that might be something to take a look at.

I was totally broken, just in a different way than my ex. When we first met, I was so desperate to be in a relationship and I thought she was so awesome that I ignored millions of red flags. Then, as a result of my horrifically low self-esteem, I became a doormat and a scapegoat for everything that was wrong in the relationship. Finally, I was a seriously codependent SOB. I've been working really hard to fix that.

So yes, I was (and still am but I'm working hard on it) a very broken person. I had healthy boundaries, I wasn't a cheater or an abuser or anything else that would be outwardly apparent but there were (and are) a lot of issues to work through.

[This message edited by h0peless at 5:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I will say this: nothing makes a person look at themselves more than if you or your spouse has had an affair.

I would guess nearly every BS finds something amiss in themselves.

I gave this some thought as I am currently in IC and had a session this afternoon. I definitely have some things that need healing and repair and which allowed the passive-aggressive disorder of my WS to thrive and run wild. I didn't come to him broken; I believe I came to him cracked and I allowed him to break me into a million pieces. I am in the process of seeking out all of my pieces and gluing myself back together. I will be me, but a different me, a better me because I will have survived and repaired what was broken. He, on the other hand, until we are divorced, is still trying hard to break the pieces that I have managed to glue back together, instead of attempting to repair himself. That to me indicates that he is not only broken, but possibly shattered. As I realize that, it is making it easier day by day to create some distance from him. They are baby steps, but steps nonetheless. That's why as we begin to heal, if the WS doesn't do the work to heal it would probably be difficult if not impossible to make the relationship work.

I totally agree with unfound. During the A, and during the hell of Dday, we love the person who we know him/her to be; that does NOT mean we are broken...just trusting. Aren't we supposed to feel trust for our spouse? Their actions are not reflections of us, and therefore, you are not the broken one.

Sometimes I think the whole concept of the "broken" thing is just a way to try and explain the unexplainable.

We all have our own "issues" - I have more "broken" issues in many ways than my WH. I have never cheated.

Did me being "broken" attract WH or vice versa 30 years ago and yet it was 27 years before he cheated? Seems unlikely.

It seems like almost everyone is "broken" in some way - or maybe some people are more fragile and get broken by things that don't break the majority of people.

To me everything about cheating is unfathomable. I don't think I can ever understand how he could cheat, lie and manipulate me when he loved me. I couldn't do most of those things to someone I hated let alone someone I thought I loved.

I don't think my WH cheated because he was "broken". I think he did because he wanted too, he could and he cared about gratifying himself more than he cared about anyone or anything else. It was just him being all about him. It is ugly and unpalatable and there is no excuse for what he did. There is however the possibility of forgiveness from me and rebuilding by both of us.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 7:39 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Broken schmoken.

Who doesn't have some issue? The longer I live the more I see we are a planet of mixed nuts, everybody has some cross to bear.

I-N-T-E-G-R-I-T-Y

When that is what is broken in a person, well, ...... That is what leads to A's, IMO. There may be other issues, but lack of integrity is kind of an essential ingredient in betrayal and deceit.

Broken does not = Affair... or everyone would have one, IMO.

[This message edited by JustWow at 7:46 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

I like JustWow's point on this. All of us are broken to some extent. Nobody is perfect. Like integrity I'd also like to throwing "lack of self esteem". Many WS's are looking for approval. Approval of their looks or sexuality by others. I think this causes many to slip down the rabbit hole. I knew my exWW had esteem issues, but never knew they were this bad. Two and a half years later I'm still in disbelief over this. She still hasn't woken up I think.

When I met xnpdwh I was still going through a divorce and wasn't interested in every dating or getting married again. I wasn't attracted to him physically but there was just something that said "I want to get to know him". Did I see some of the red flags? Yes but I had no idea they were red flags. I thought that once I explained that I wouldn't tolerate them and was going to move back to my place he had woken up and changed. He tried the silent treatment on me for a few days and I wasn't haven it. I packed my shit and took it all home to my place. Shocked the crap out of him and he stopped doing it until we had been married for 4 years. I never saw the rage, the major drinking or the drug use. Those all came after year 8 so by then I was broken down and confused as to who I was anymore.

I was a very strong woman with a good career when I met him and I was a sick, scared shadow of myself when I left him. I was tired of walking on egg shelz and the weeks of silent treatment and then discovered his whoring around. I was Done!

Am I broken now? Yes. But the good thing is that I see it and am working on it. I am still not dating after 2 years of separation and almost a year divorced. I do not need a relationship to make me happy. I do need time to find me, love me and grow into a happier me again. I will take all the time I need to get back to that strong woman that he broke. I would love companionship and right now I get that from my yorkie. It works and she doesn't shit on me!!

I truly know I was in a very healthy state emotionally when I met and dated my WH. I was in IC and we did CC with a very good psychologist for over 6 months of our relationship. We made very clear boundaries and were very honest with each other....LOL

I was honest he was in a river called denial about his life. I quickly came to reality after moving 3000 miles to live with him. I quickly saw he had an unhealthy dynamic with his mother and I told him within the first six weeks, that were doomed if he didn't block her calls and detach. Of course by this time others saw her mental illness and told him.

So no I wasn't a broken person. I became one after being worn down by him.

As usual, very interesting thoughts by everybody.

1faith - By 'broken', I mean someone who has deep-rooted issues which drive them to insanity and risk a lot in their life to get something shallow. Also, nothing ever can justify my WWs affair. It is just some reality that I have to live with.

the bs is very much in love and attracted to the person the ws is presenting themselves to be during the A.

Funnily enough, I sent a mail with the same words to WW yesterday and still could not link it to my question. I think this sums it up nicely.

About the red flags, though I do see some small red flags which I missed earlier. Put together now with the benefit of hindsight, it all seems very huge. But after breaking it down and tying to remember my thought processes at that time, there was nothing consistently wrong. For some months before D-Day, things seemed awfully wrong and I was pretty alert. But, I still trusted both WW and POS1 who was my friend and allowed that bastard into my house. My gut was screaming and I searched and searched and found out a month after POS1 came to our house.

Broken does not = Affair... or everyone would have one, IMO.

Thanks for this. Makes so much sense. I also believe that all of us, BS or WS or MH or even normal people not touched by infidelity have issues. Just that everyone chooses to deal with it in a different way. Not everyone has an A. The BSs may or may not be healthy. Maybe not as unhealthy as having an A. Or they may even be dry adulterers all their life without even realising it! Also, I guess the degree of brokenness drives some people (WSs) to risk everything and push the limits. And yea, then there are those unremorseful WSs who are broken beyond imagination.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 8:29 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

I don't think my WH cheated because he was "broken". I think he did because he wanted too, he could and he cared about gratifying himself more than he cared about anyone or anything else. It was just him being all about him. It is ugly and unpalatable and there is no excuse

Hit the nail on the head....

My H had 2 A ...same OW...20 years apart...I found our during the 2nd one, 4 years ago...at that time our marriage was broken, both our faults...20 years before were the best times for us...his As had nothing to do with me...I was not broken...just trusting of a man I had spent my entire adult life with...the man I loved...