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I JUST FOUND OUT 6 WEEKS AGO THAT MY WIFE OF 19 YEARS WITH WHOM I HAVE 2 KIDS HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A DIVORCED MAN. IT'S A REALLY SAD STORY, MY 12 YEAR OLD SON SAW MY WIFE TEXTING THE GUY LOVE WORDS AND HOW MUCH SHE LOVED HIM WHILE I WAS DRIVING THE CAR, AND WHEN WE GOT HOME HE TOLD ME. I CONFRONTED HER AND SHE SAID THAT IT WAS A MISUNDERSTANDING THAT HE IS JUST A FRIEND SHE TRUSTS, NOTHING MORE. 10 DAYS LATER AFTER I BUGGED HER PHONE I OVERHEARD HER SAYING HOW MUCH SHE LOVED HIM AND THAT THEY WERE GOING TO MEET SOMEWHERE TO WALK AROUND. HE MET HER ON THE ROAD BIKE AND THAT IS WHERE I HEARD THE CONVERSATION AND HEARD THEM KISSING. I CONFRONTED HER AGAIN AND SHE ADMITTED TO EVERYTHING, I DOUBT THAT IT WAS EMOTIONAL BUT NOT PHYSICAL. I DON'T BUY IT AS SHE ADMITTED GOING TO HIS HOUSE ON MULTIPLE TIMES TO TALK AND HE COOKED DINNER FOR HER. THE FUNNY PART IS HE LIVES ONE MILE FROM MY HOUSE. MY KIDS AND I ARE DEVASTATED BY ALL THIS, AS I LOVE MY WIFE TO DEATH, AND I ASSUMED SHE LOVED ME THE SAME. THIS AFFAIR LASTED A LITTLE OVER 2 MONTHS. I AM TOTALLY CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO PROCEED, I DON'T TRUST HER BUT I LOVE HER, AND I AM AFRAID EVERYTHING WILL END. I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM HER A REAL SINCERE APOLOGY AND THAT IS MAKING THE PAIN WORSE. TO ME THE EMOTIONAL AFFAIR HAS BEEN MORE HURTFUL THAN IF SHE HAD SEX, BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SHE IS OVER ME. SHE SAYS THAT SHE WANTS TO STAY TOGETHER AND MAKE IT WORK FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY BUT I DON'T FULLY BELIEVE THAT. I DON'T FEEL LIKE SHE CAN LET GO OF THE GUY THAT EASY AS THE 2 MONTHS WERE INTENSE WITH TEXTS AND SEEING HIM. I FEEL LOST AND SAD ALL THE TIME, I AM AN EMOTIONAL WRECK. I HOPE THAT I CAN CHOOSE WISELY AND I HOPE THAT THE PAIN SUBSIDES FAST.

Sorry to hear this but you are in the right place. Other men will be here for you as I think as far as betrayed spouses go, men and women handle it differently.

I just want you to know you are heard and we here on SI will support you.

xoxo

Male or Female ...the pain is no less. Thinking of you.

I have drawn a line in the sand with a deadline for honest engagement later this week. I need to survive and move forward for me and my family. My love for him is no less, my trust is gone.

I have felt better since I stopped kidding myself I could fix this on my own - be strong, be honest with yourself and with her. Require the same back, stick to it and remind her that this will not progress until you are convinced she is committing to the process WITH you.

Good luck.

Benny – Keep posting. We can help you through this.

However… next post… Use lower case. Forum etiquette dictates that uppercase is screaming and it’s harder to read.

But then… I guess you really feel like screaming… And I can understand that.

There is a rule of thumb here on SI that you should never do anything major in the first months.

Well – I don’t agree with that. I think you really need to take action – to take steps to ensure this goes as well as possible. However I strongly suggest you don’t do anything rash or irrevocable in the first months. In fact – NEVER do anything rash. IMHO it’s more of a question of not burning any bridges or causing damage that can’t be recovered from. But you do need to take action.

Before we go into any suggestions on how to go on then take care of you.

Make sure you eat. Right now you probably don’t feel like it but it’s so important you get energy into your body. Get protein shakes and sports supplements. Make sure you eat a fruit every 3 hours. Drink milk-shakes… Whatever. The key issue here in energy not health.

Exercise. Run, jog, walk, lift weights… Whatever makes you sweat.

Get medical help. If you have a hard time sleeping or feel depressed then be ready to get mild medical aids.

Find someone to confide in.

Share on SI.

Don’t expect any quick fixes. Chances are extremely slim that the affair is over.

Remember – In all this you have several advantages over your wife and the infidelity. One of them being the resources we can offer here on SI.

I STILL HAVE HER PHONE BUGGED AND SHE KNOWS SOMETHING IS UP WITH HER PHONE, AND I CHECK ON IT ALL THE TIME AND ITS MAKING ME NUTS. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD DUMP THE BUG OR NOT, BUT I AM AFRAID THAT SHE WILL SEE HIM AND I WON'T KNOW ABOUT IT. SHE RISKED LOOSING EVERYTHING, OUR KIDS TOTALLY BEHIND ME, MY FAMILY WHICH IS LIKE HER FAMILY, HER FAMILY WILL JUDGE HER, OUR FRIENDS WILL JUDGE HER, FINANCIALLY SHE WILL NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHERE SHE WILL STAND. THE GUY SAID HE WANTED TO BE WITH HER FOR THE LONG HAUL BUT YOU KNOW HOW RELATIONSHIPS GO, NOT ALL LAST LONG. IT TAKES MORE THAN 2 MONTHS TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER. AT FIRST EVERYTHING IS GRAVY AND SWEET, AND AFTER YOU START TO HAVE PROBLEMS YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THEY WILL HANDLE THEM. I HAVE A LOT OF MIXED EMOTIONS AS TO MY FUTURE. I TRUSTED MY WIFE TO DEATH AND I WOULD OF NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS EXPECTED THIS FROM HER. IT WAS THE LAST THING THAT WOULD OF COME TO MY MIND. I HAD TO TELL HER THAT I READ ALL THE TEXTS WHICH IS A LIE IN ORDER TO GET INFORMATION AS TO EXACTLY WHAT AND HOW IT HAPPENDED. I HAVE TRICKED HER TO TELL ME BUT I KNOW THERE IS SO MUCH I DON'T KNOW AND THAT SCARES ME. HOW LONG WILL THE PAIN LAST BEFORE IT GETS ANY BETTER?

Sorry about capital letters, no offense intended. I am new to all this and I was unaware of it. Sorry, as I will correct this.

Hi Benny,

I don't have much advice since I am new here too. What I am finding out is the truth usually comes out in spurts. You probably don't have all the truth. Has she sent a NC letter to the AP? I still don't think I know the whole truth. I have this gut feeling there is still more. I am still in the I don't know stage. I don't know if I want to be with him or not?

They are right about taking care of yourself, but I know it's easier said then done. Has she shown remorse? I don't feel like my SO has shown remorse. I feel like he is rugsweeping (avoiding the situation).

I would keep her phone bugged, but that's me. I drive myself crazy, checking emails but I believe he probably has another account. He deletes his texts and phone records or at least used too. Now I dont' know. But if I could have it bugged, I would. Don't let your sources be known for as long as possible.

Hugs to you and keep posting it helps.

My wife is really hard to read right now. I don't feel that she is completely remorseful, she just wants to sweep everything under the rug and forget everything happened. Whenever I question her about the affair she rolls her eyes and tells me are we going to talk about this everyday. I just can't move foreword until I can see a completely sincere apology and trying her butt to make everything work. I sometimes feel like she wants me to tell her its over so she can move on, and she doesn't want to take the lead so she won't feel bad. She always tells me that she will do whatever I want her to do. It blows my mind how she can risk throwing everything down the toilet for a 2 month affair. I need advice on how to proceed, I know she loves me but I don't think she is in love with me anymore. Since the affair ended we moved 35 miles north of where the guy lives. It was planned before everything happened.

I feel so bad for your son. He is at such a delicate age and to have to be the one to see this happening and tell you. He must really trust and respect you. I hope he has someone to talk too. Someone who isn't you or your wife.

Its going to hurt for a long time. At least thats how it looks to me. Your wife sounds like she is minimizing things and isn't thinking about what she has really done. I'm sorry. I hope she comes to her senses soon.

Benny....Several things to do. Get a marriage counselor and go. Demand a letter of "no contact" be sent to the affair partner and make sure you read it. My spouse sent his by registered mail. Your spouse needs to become transparent...that is you get all passwords to anything cell, computer, email account and she can't change passwords without your knowledge. See a lawyer, the best money I spent and made sure my spouse knew I was seeing a lawyer but not who. The lawyer gave the the black and white of our state laws and the do differ.

Get book to read....the best I have read is "Not Just Friends"....It helped me to understand what I was dealing with and how to survive. Those things are important to each of us....we will survive though we don't think we will.

Some start a journal, I could not as it all hurt too much, but I did find a place to mourn openly when I needed a place. AND find someone to talk with... think carefully about sharing it with friends and family because they do judge and things you feel or say now will be remembered. We were very careful but our adult kids happen to be with me when I found out and read the texts/emails....it has been really hard on them.

As it has been said, take care of yourself first and then your children. You are the priority. And don't make rash decisions....I would make a decision to decide something by a later date...that was the best I would do as I would have walked away so many times early on. For me it help me to know I had made a decision not to decide....sounds stupid but it worked for me.

Lots of hugs and concern!!

Rolling eyes "are we going to talk about this every day?

Yes, you will talk about it whenever you want to Benny!

Read and reread the 180.

Enact as much of the 180 as you can. You don't have to be perfect and remember, all this is in your time frame.

But, I would seek legal counsel ASAP. This does not mean you will divorce, but you need to know all your rights.

SHe is still deep in denial and rugsweeping.

Benny,

I am sorry you are going through this. You do not have to rush into anything, that is the good thing. I would recommend being tested for an STD, as well as talking with a lawyer. You do not need to do anything with it, she doesn't need to know, but you will have information you need to make an informed decision.

You need to expect her to reach out and break no contact. Unfortunately, it happens too often. Keeping her phone bugged for now is not a bad idea. Do not tell her your information source...she will go farther underground.

You do need to determine and share with her what your deal-breaker level is. Is it breaking NC? If so what is the consequence and be ready to follow through. That is the hard part. It took me 4 months to decide what my deal breaker level was and what my consequence was. Once I hit that point, he did a about face and broke it off with OW.

She needs to be forced out of her fantasy. Demand transparency, active participation or kick her out. That is also easier said than done, but that could be the shock she needs. Until you stand up for yourself, she will not. Once again, that is experience talking.

Hugs to you. There is a lot of support here.

If I ask for a no contact letter, how will this help and how will I know that she will not contact him still. She might write it but what is the benefit if I don't know if it is sincere in following thru. My wife suspects and is pretty sure that I have her phone bugged so she is not contacting him, at least on her phone. But she can use another phone with no problem. My wife is really hard to read right now, I feel her distant and distracted. I feel like she should be kissing my behind to try to make it work and so I can forgive her, and she is not kissing my behind or being as affectionate and she should. I need to set really hard rules but I am afraid it will push her away, but I don't want to look weak. I also don't want to be with her out of pity. I need some form of guarantee from her that the affair is completely over and there is no contact by phone, text, or seeing him at all. Please anybody with good advice? She is risking loosing everything, her kids, family, friends, reputation, and her respect. That is what blows my mind!

Oh you poor thing I feel extreme pain in my chest when I read these stories that are similar to mine.

I was married 19 years. The BS will lie right to your face and you will believe them!!

Keep investigating it is the only way you will get the real answers.

It will surprise you how much the family and kids don't seem to matter to them now (that bothered me the most)

I am 3 years out and still not over it and STILL waiting for an apology!

EXCELLENT BOOK to read that will help "NOT JUST FRIENDS"

same story I got Don't be mad we are only just friends...in my case it was definitely Friends with lots of benefits.

Don't worry about the apology right now just focus on yourself and your kids and remember 90% of what comes out of their mouth right now is BS.

My biggest piece of advice that I learned after the fact is depending on what state your in....if for some reason you separate you need to keep the kids as much time as possible because the courts will go by that if it ends up in custody. You cannot change the time with the kids after the fact they don't want anything to disrupt the kids normal schedule (NOT THAT ONE OF THEIR OWN PARENTS FOUND IT NECESSARY TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE INSTEAD OF THEIR OWN FAMILY 24/7. That part is almost unforgiveable!!)

Good luck and use your head not your heart right now to figure things out.

Yes and the phone thing well my WS immediately quit using his phone after I constantly checked it and questioned him and then No phone use anymore. I wasn't stupid I knew he was up to something and it took me a while but I found him red-handed sexting her late, late one evening and it was the worse day of my life as I wrestled him to read the messages as he deleted them (of course he won the fight) and now I am happy I did not see them because the few I read on his other phone are embedded in my mind forever.

So Sad!

[This message edited by hailstormer at 12:10 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Benny,

She needs to be an openbook with you if she wants you to let her stay. She has to give you full access to her phone whenever you want (IN FRONT OF HER), her email accounts, her facebook, google +, skype, etc.

She needs to understand that she will have to talk about the A every day and answer all your questions (some of them a gazillion times) until you are satisfied.

A good step to take would be to go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you could expect if you eventually chose to separate or D. You don't have to file anything, but knowing what to expect will make you less fearful.

Read in the Healing Library. You will find it in the yellow box in the top left corner of this page.

Your wife is still in the cover up phase and clearly lacks remorse.

You have some good resources here, use them to protect yourself and your children.

That is all you can do. You cannot change her behavior, only she can do that.

Benny,

The NC letter is to inform the affair partner (AP) that they are not to contact her. Likewise it sets up the ground work for her not to contact them. Will she? Maybe, maybe not....however, you can say that this was a line drawn in to the sand. There are other ways to catch her. A voice activated recorder in her car would be one way. Her actions will be another. you will know by your gut check. If the NC letter is written, you have to make a decision what happens if she breaks it. It is not uncommon for a NC letter to go out and letter wayward spouse (WS) reports that betrayed spouse (BS) "made" them send it. FOr other, the NC letter took care of the issues.

She doesn't think you will hold her accountable. While dealing with this, you will need to set your boundries. It is hard, but you can do it. You may have already lost her, you may not have. Setting the limit of your tolerance will let you know. Will you tolerate her behavior? If you will....she will continue. Why not...she can have her cake and eat it. If you will not tolerate it, she has to make decisions. You and your family or AP. She may make the decision of AP, but you know where you stand. Like many on here...she may realize what she is losing and drop him like a hot potato. Until you stand up for yourself, she will continue. I learned that the hard way. I didn't want to "push" my WS away either. I was so hurt...but finally, I had enough. When I drew the line in the sand he couldn't jump to my side quick enough.

You can do this. You just have to be ready for the consequence if she makes a bad decision.

There is a way to get an idea and some instant clarity as to how far in the fog your W is..

A friend of mine suggested this to me soon after my D day..

I attempted this and I instantly knew where my WH's head was stuck..During the conversation in which I proposed this, My WH told me that I was a crazy greedy witch. I came to the conclusion that my WH wasn't remorseful, and that I was going to throw in the towel at trying to save the M..

I knew that I wasn't able to physically leave at the time, but I decided to focus on me and my needs... I carried on with my own life and hobbies without seeking or considering WH's input /opinion/approval on anything..

Before this conversation took place I had done some things to protect myself..I routed all of my paycheck direct deposits to my own bank account..I emptied 1/2 of our meager savings out of our joint checking account..All credit cards are in his name, none are joint, all bills are in his name except for my cell..

What I am going to suggest to you is to see a lawyer, learn your rights and while you are at it find out what it takes to draft a Post Nup Agreement and make it legal and enforceable..

Draft an agreement that says that you get awarded everything in D should she be caught cheating again during attempted R..If this is brought up that she has to agree to sign it as a non negotiable condition of R, she may or may not cooperate....

Her lack of cooperation will tell you that she is not willing to DO WHAT IT TAKES to gain your trust that she is 100 committed to M for life. Her A may still ultimately be a deal breaker for you, but you will have an idea whether or not your W is serious about R.

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:37 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

Benny,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know just how you feel. I have been through the same.

There is something you must know with certainty that will go a long way in helping you proceed with this situation. It will help quell the emotional earthquake that is going on within you. Know this:

Your wife's affair/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Her decision to lie, deceive, break the vows she made to you, and devastate the lives of her very children have nothing to do with you or your marriage. Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem, not a marital problem. This was a problem that existed within her long before you married. No person can "push" another into being unfaithful.

Right now I'm sure you are feeling an unbearable pain. That is normal and natural. You have been betrayed by the very one whom you invested your greatest trust in.

Do not accept any blame for this. Period.

Do not beg, plead, or bargain with her.

Now, allow yourself to become angry. You have a right to be. Be angry. But, be angry in a controlled and calculated manner and use the anger to your advantage.

Assume a cold, hard, and steely resolve toward this. Become determined that her behavior is simply and absolutely unacceptable to you or your children. Do not waiver in this resolve - not one bit. Ever.

Try to imagine yourself in the place she is mentally at right now. Deep down, she knows she has done something to you that she would NEVER want you or anyone else to do to her - ever. Deep down there is shame, guilt, insecurity, and very low self-worth. She is covering all that up with defensiveness, denial, and delusion. It is one incredible picture of ugliness that she knows she is deep into and she does not want to deal with that ugly, ugly mess.

The best way, in my experience, to get through all the denial, defensiveness, and delusion is to make the consequence for the behavior something that she cannot deny, cannot delude away, and must answer to. She is in perpetual-honeymoon fantasy-land right now and needs cold, hard reality. The best way to do that is to consult with an attorney to know your rights and then FILE for divorce and have her served with divorce papers.

Now, that does not mean you are now getting divorced. You can have it suspended or dismissed at any time. The point is for her to SEE and FEEL the real consequence of her actions and collapse her bullshit fantasy. That is at its most likely when she is holding the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage papers, with a case number, and signed by the presiding judge, in her very hands. THEN, she will not be able blame, deny, defend, or delude THAT away. That is when she is most likely to authentically come around, with actual remorse, and want to do the work to fix HERSELF, and repair the damage to her family and her marriage.

My XWW was as far gone into the bullshit fantasy as it gets. I completely detached, offered her a chance at reconciliation, and she was still in affair wonderland. It was when she found out I had filed for, and proceeded with divorce that I got the tearful requests to reconcile. I divorced her anyway and she STILL wants to reconcile. That's the power of undeniable consequences for shameful and destructive behavior. She destroyed her family. Now she must live with that.

Thanks to everybody for all the wonderful advice and sincere words. Please keep giving advice as all good advice is welcome. I am going to a marriage and family therapist this week, she reluctantly accepted to go but with conditions. If she doesn't want to continue I am going to have to lay some very tough rules if not it's not going to work. My kids are having a very hard time dealing with this situation, but they are handling it the best they can. I am afraid if it doesn't work out between the two of us, if she will take half of my assets and cash. It stinks if that is the case after she is the one who broke the rules. Any advice on how to handle this situation? I really hope that I can work things out, but under my terms and conditions, and I need to see her sincere apology and have her change drastically.