SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WS has been open and transperent since D day . This is good but I still have this desire to know more about the A'ers . Our MC cautions me about getting to many details because I will create a full awary of new triggers to deal with . The problem is I have very little information about the A'ers. TT is a understatement in my life . Have any of you received information from your WS that you regert getting ?

Not yet, I find that even if I think I don't want to know the answer it will eat and eat and eat at me until I ask. Somehow even when it's something I don't want to hear I feel better - like I can now process it and not just wonder.

No, and I can't imagine any piece of information that I wouldn't be better off knowing. It is possible something new now could end the marriage, but I would still want to know.

There were some times early on when FWH had "truth diarrhea" when, rather than just giving me the facts, he editorialized. I could have done without that, but that wasn't truth as much as it was him using me as a sounding board for things that would have been better discussed with his IC until he had examined it better.

in retrospect, yes there are things I wish I hadn't asked and gotten answers to. there were also things I struggled with asking/wanting to know. I came the the conclusion (with some help from some great friends here) that 1- if I didn't think I was going to get the truth, don't ask. 2- was the answer to my questions/information, no matter how bad, a deal breaker for our R? if it was, I'd ask. if not, I'd put it aside for possible later conversations. 3- was I asking for a truthful answer or was I asking for actual information?* 4- was I in an emotional place where I could handle (in a healthy way) the answers I might get?

the regretful things were more the details of the A. I'm a grown ass woman, I know how sex works.. I didn't need details.

*sometimes asking questions/getting information was more about his willingness to answer things, not so much the importance of the information.

if you have questions, ask. if you're not sure if you want to know the answers, write them down. you can always go back to them. I'd start out with broad general questions then whittle them down to specifics. most times, I wouldn't get far cause, to me, at the time, it wasn't imperative to the here and now or the details weren't deal breakers.

just remember that you can't unring a bell. a lot of what I asked was during periods of intense, supervised counseling to assure healthy communication. then again, early on, there was a lot of knee jerk rapid fire daily double lightning round questioning too... in hindsight, I'd recommend the first, or at least when you're in a good (?) place with good communications skills before getting nitty gritty stuff... jm2c .

I wanted answers and got them. Some of them were hard to take. I think knowledge is power.

That is a good question. I believe it is unfair that you don't feel you have the truth. You have a right to know what was happening in your marriage. But, I also agree with some of the responses that you received. We all know what happened when they were alone... I don't need someone to draw me a picture.

Personally, the one thing I didn't want to see was the video from my PI. It is in his safe; not even my attorney has seen it. I am a visual person; I don't know how well I would have handled truly "seeing" it. Especially when they were at my home. The funny thing is, on DD#2, I showed up at their love shack... walked right into the house and called for my husband. I don't trigger about that at all. But seeing them in my house.... I don't think I could deal with that.

As long as I know everything, then I somehow believe an arbitrary monster won't run out and grab me unexpectedly. I don't know everything as yet.

I asked every detail of every kind and got all the answers that I've ever asked for. I am so glad that I did. Did the answers hurt? Yes. Did they pale in comparison to what I thought? Yes. Were some worse? Yes. Would I do it the same way all over again if given the chance to change anything? Yes, I would do it just the same way.

The details helped me gain many things back that I THOUGHT I had lost to his A's. The discussions also helped us grow closer, there were no longer ANY secrets between us and that was important to me.

So, painful, yes, regret, no.

Knowing everything will impact my decision. For me, maybe not others, purposely not knowing would be rugs weeping...

I know I don't have all the truth. How could I? Next time I see the OW, I'm thinking of asking them a question. Maybe.

I guess I'd say I'm glad I got the information/truth, but I both hate and regret what the information/truth was.

I've also come to learn that the truth can seem to change; I don't mean that actual events change, but that emotional states and thoughts change, and trying to pin down some of those types of issues is like nailing jello to a wall. Perception does change, and figuring out when it changed, and the legitimacy of it both before and after the change, has proven pretty "squishy" for me.

Thanks for the response ! Does it get better and climb that's good advise about "no secerts" I liked so very sad reference to a "monster". So. True I don't want to get blind sighted by something my ws didn't tell me . What unfound wrote " WS willingness to answer " this really hit home for me . Right now I'm in the dark and I suspect a few freinds as possible OM .Thanks for the great input I plan on bringing up these topic in our next MC meeting .

Just to throw in my two cents.

I wanted, and I truly think got, everything, and was one for whom the truth was better than my imaginings.

Now I feel that I know all the dirty little secrets about OW and the A, none of which are flattering. She no longer "shares" that with my H. I know how he truly felt. I now pity her. She, otoh, knows nothing about me or our reality.

I also have found that the "truth" changes as my H becomes more self aware. Early on when I asked him why he would leave right after screwing her he said something vague. Recently I asked again and he said,, ashamedly, "because I didn't like her." He realizes more all the time how toxic and pathologic it was. I fact, our new name for it, since it doesn't deserve "affair" is Muual Fuckedupness.

I don't regret anything I found out. My H and I now share this. But our stories all vary.