Four months is such a short time to even think about healing.
Your H needs look deep into himself and see what havoc he is causing and why he chose to cheat and lie.
Please believe that his A is NOT about you it is all about him. There is a flaw in his make up that causes him to lie and cheat.
He needs to heal himself and understand why he chose to have an A. As well as why he allowed himself to lie to you. This has to happen before there can be any healing in your marriage and for you personally.
My one suggestion is just to try to get all your financial stuff together. You need to protect yourself.
He needs to buckle up and get ready for your ride on the emotional roller coaster ride from hell. It is a long ride, a hard ride.
He can be upset with your triggers but he needs to realize he and his actions are the root cause of these triggers. It's now his job to stand by, reassure you and show you through his actions that he is worthy of the possible gift of reconciliation.
He didn't want to talk about it. He said he couldn't handle reliving it over and over
Tough. Not his choice if he wants you to stay. He needs to do WHATEVER it is that you need him to do WHATEVER. He invested how many hours, months and lies into an A but he can't produce the courage and energy to help you heal? Coward. That is something a coward says. He needs to focus on YOUR hurt and deal with his in IC. Especially right now.
I have chosen not to tell anyone close to us because I didn't want the judgment for him or me.
I understand this but please realize that this is NOT your secret to keep. If you need a family member or friend to help you, then reach out to them. You need whatever support system you need to get through this.
He may not be that person, especially now. He is the person who hurt you the most. The cause of your pain. One person described it like being raped and beaten and the only person that can help you up is the rapist. Do you stay down or extend your hand for them to help you up?
I hope you both are in IC. A's foster and grow through secrecy. Maybe knowing other people know will help rip the cloak of secrecy off and make him truly accountable for his actions.
You get through these days by being open and honest. Crying and feeling all you have to feel. Don't rush your healing because it is a process you have to go through. There is no magic wand or pill that is going to make it all better.
Time, commitment, honesty, therapy and reassurance. TIME
Good luck and stay strong. You matter.
(((hugs)))
[This message edited by 1Faith at 4:00 PM, July 30th (Tuesday)]