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When I divorced, our decree stipulated that I keep the car I usually drove and Ex keep the car he usually drove. He traded his car in for a mid-life-crisis sports car with a tiny back seat and miniscule trunk. I bought a new sedan last year, but kept my old car so my 16 yo would have an old car to drive for errands, school activities, etc.

Lately when my Ex has been coming for dinner visits during the week, he asks my son to drive "son's car" from my house to the restaurant, parking his mid-life-crisis-mobile on my street. It irritates me because "son's car" legally belongs to me and I pay 100% of insurance, registration, inspection, maintenance, and gas. Not to mention foregoing the value of trading it in. The only thing Ex kicks in for is the cost of insuring my son as a driver.

Our divorce decree clearly states that Ex is responsible for transportation for his dinner visits. But I have said nothing in the name of keeping the peace. It's just a few miles to a local dinner place, right? Why stir the pot?

Well if you don't set your boundaries early, they will trample all over them. Today I sent an email to Ex asking when he is picking the kids up to take them for his week long vacation with them. He blithely replied that because HIS mid-life-crisis-mobile won't hold the stuff they need for a week long vacation, son will drive "son's car" on Ex's vacation with them. 100+ miles away. No asking for my permission. No mention of contributing any money.

I hate causing drama with Ex but taking MY car on HIS vacation goes way, way beyond any reasonable boundary.

Besides asserting my boundaries with Ex, I know I also need to speak to son, and explain to him that he is not entitled to loan MY car without my permission. But I hate putting him in the position of saying no to his father.

That would be a big fat NO WAY. I would simply tell both DS and ExH that you do not want the mileage and extra wear and tear on the vehicle to ensure it lasts as long as possible for DS's future use. I would also mention that, by the way, the vehicle is not DS's, but his to borrow for local driving only. Lastly, I would kindly suggest that if ExH cannot fit everything in his mid-life-crisis-mobile then he needs to make arrangements to get a rental vehicle that will work for them.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 2:35 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

Phoenix nailed it.

Lastly, I would kindly suggest that if ExH cannot fit everything in his mid-life-crisis-mobile then he needs to make arrangements to get a rental vehicle that will work for them.

Phoenix beat me to it. Rental cars really do fit the bill for this type of stuff.

Exactly what Phoenix said.

Jeez. What an entitled jerk your x is......

No way, no how. Phoenix did nail it. I would like to add that there is NO WAY IN HELL that I would allow my DD16 to drive 100 miles anywhere unless I was in the passenger seat next to her. Period.

He blithely replied that because HIS mid-life-crisis-mobile won't hold the stuff they need for a week long vacation, son will drive "son's car" on Ex's vacation with them.

Translation: I'm going to use YOUR car to take DS and anyone else I can fit in on vaction.

DS driving WITH them is suddenly going to become, "Well it doesnt make sense to drive two cars when we can all fit in yours, Son".

No WAY would I allow this. Tell XH to rent a car, rent a van, whatever - but the car DS drives (YOUR car) isn't leaving the garage.

Oh my hell, I cannot believe he has the nerve to do this...you tell his ass to figure something else out...

And if your son gives you any grief (cause most teenagers do), just show him the vehicle title, and ask him to have his father buy him a car to keep at his house.

I would go it further and report it stolen if he pressed the issue and took the vehicle.

Cat

Did you email him back and tell him "hell fucking no", that putting wear and tear on YOUR car for HIS vacation is unacceptable?

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 6:28 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

He can rent a car for the trip. Period.

So, what happens if son's car (your car) is rear ended or someone backs into it during the vacation? Does xh pay the deductible? Or does that fall to you because xh says, "It's your car so it's yours to repair." I would explain to son that this situation leaves you open to too many variables and you cannot accept the liability. Then, I would explain to xh that rental agencies are available to rent him a more appropriate vacation vehicle. Or, you could drive the car to your friendly mechanic a day or two prior to vacation for a quick 'once over,' basically asking for parking space for a couple days. Then xh has no choice but to rent a vehicle and you are off the hook. Really, your xh has a LOT of nerve.

Thank you for your feedback and support everyone.

I explained to Ex very politely and without emotion that the car belongs to me and that I pay 100% of the costs of owning it. I also repeated back to him something HE used to quote (from I think either Car Talk or Consumer Reports): that renting a large car for the one week you need it is sensible if you'd otherwise prefer to own a small car.

He replied with an argument that I should let son use the car to prove to him that I trust him.

I guess there are no other ways in the universe to demonstrate my trust than letting son drive on this one trip? Sheesh.

I replied back, again without emotion, that I don't want to have to get into issues about who pays for repairs or accidents on his vacation.

He replied with a long message, saying "this isn't about money, it's about our children". Say what? It isn't about him saving money on renting a car? Yeah right. He also said that it's a "waste" for "son's car" to sit in my car unused for a week. Gee, isn't HIS mid-life-crisis-mobile ALSO going to be "wasted" sitting in HIS garage? And gee, isn't it shocking how he hasn't offered to loan me HIS car for free for a week?

Never at any time did he offer one cent of reimubrsement for wear and tear on my car. (My employer pays me just over $0.5 a mile if I take my personal car on business.)

BTW, I didn't mention that part of Ex's plan was for son to drive to the center of a very large city to pick up Ex at Ex's place, with only younger son as his co-pilot. Older son has driven in this city exactly once, and I was next to him, coaching him the entire time. Gosh isn't it shocking how Ex didn't offer to drive out to my suburb and leave his car here, and save older son the trip into the city and back?

I replied yet again that while I am willing to loan Ex sheets and towels for his vacation house (and I know from experience that Ex will not wash them before returning them) I am not willing to loan my car.

Ex replied, "You haven't changed a bit."

No I HAVE changed. When we were married I jumped through all kinds of hoops to avoid his anger and silent treatment. Now I welcome them, or at least the silent part.

(Thank you for listening to my long rant.)

Wow, it sounds like he was really reaching on that one. I like how he ignored the fact that his midlife crisis car was going to be sitting, gathering dust for a week. And even if YOUR card does just sit for a week what difference does that make to him and how is that any of his business? My concern is will he try to turn your son on you in this situation?

I would not have sheets available either. Tell him you will need a lot of sheets while you are child free dor the week.

J/k on the reason, but I would not help an iota

I'd schedule some maintenance for it. It would be a shame for your son to have to go without a car for a week when he is home.