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I keep reading here about how it's important that a WS fully and truly understand what in their heads made it "okay" for them to cheat. My WW and I are still in early days, so could some of those who are further down the path speak a bit as to what their waywards figured out? I'd like to hear from both BS and WS, please. Thanks.

I wish there was such a thing as emotional morphine.

actually, regular morphine works quite well on emotions. Wh discovered when he had knee sugery that the morphine masked the symptoms of putrid decay of his soul quite nicely. If he could get it more easily he'd probably be a junkie right now.

I've also read other opiate pain releivers work well too.

Of course, all of these things take their toll, and are also extremely addictive and can be quite dangerous.

They say anti anxiety meds help, but I haven't had good experiences with those.

Alcohol works for some people, but that carries its own risks and hazards.

Maybe better to just tough it out.

Hi ArableSands

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. I know that I can not make it better for you, but I have learned that there are lots of people on this site - including me - that will do all they can to support you. Also just letting you know that you are not alone. SI is a good place to share and I have found I can share my pain with caring people here. Please know that I too wish that pain will go away- for you, for me, for others... But we need a way to deal with it.

That said, I am sure that there are others on this site so much better at articulating responses, but your post struck a chord with me... The WHY. I have had quite a few conversations with my WSO over the last three weeks since discovering the EA. The WHY did you do this was important to me. Only in my case it was first "How could you do this to me?!" I guess there are many reasons but some of them rang thru in this EA and what has happened on his previous marriage.

Why - flippantly because "I could". Also more truthfully because it was an escape - I didnt want to deal with issues in my relationship or didnt consider a positive way of dealing with issues in my relationship.

Why- because I didnt consider the impact of my actions on my wife.

Why- because it made me feel good. Yes, I felt good for a while, but I felt dirty and scared after.

Why- because I disrespected boundaries or didnt have any.

Why- because I didnt get caught.

Why - because I thought the OW was something better, more interesting, not as boring as my wife...

All the possible whys... Until he realized the fault was solely within himself and every WHY was only a justification for wayward behaviour.

There can be so many reasons for why, ArableSands. None of them justify the hurt caused and disrespect shown to a spouse.

Why is soooo important in understanding the root cause of an affair. For me, however, it is WHY must I believe you? WHY must I trust you again?

What are you going to do to prevent another list of your WHYs?

Take care of yourself ArableSands. Others will offer you good advice and answers too.

Gently, this is not your work to do. It's your wife's.

When she is remorseful and doing the work, genuinely, you will feel it.

You can't direct her recovery. You can't even direct your reconciliation---at least not until some hard work is done by your WW, after which you can direct it together.

All you can do is work on your own healing. I know that sounds ....dependent on what your wife does.

It isn't.

Some of us never get answers, or whys, or remorse, or empathy, yet we still heal. We recover. Because our healing is NOT dependent on what our WSs do or do not do.

I think, AS, you'll start feeling much better when you really internalize this.

You can't figure it out for her.

[This message edited by solus sto at 2:16 PM, August 3rd (Saturday)]

Every individual WS's "why" will be different yet similar to others. It usually comes down to a need for validation, selfishness and self-destructiveness. Of course not all aspects apply to every wayward spouse nor do they in equal measures.

Also depending who you ask the "reason" for an affair can be as simple as "because they wanted to" or it can be multi-layered.

The simple truth is all wayward spouses had an affair because they wanted to. It's simple and works. If they didn't they wouldn't have. However that doesn't delve into the deeper reasoning (or more honesty lack thereof) which is what is important.

My wife's affair, for instance, was a hodgepodge of dysfunction. She had a brief affair with a married coworker nearly 20 years her senior. Why? The basic answer is she was fucked in the head. The more polite way is she had a mental breakdown. She has abandonment issues because of her father leaving at a young age, she has sexual issues because of being raped by a neighbour when she was a kid, she has validation and self esteem issues because of her mother, she thought I should leave her for someone better, she had... See, I could keep listing off all the reasons why, but all that matters is she was a broken person inside.

The "why" is necessary for the WS so they have a starting path to their own recovery. So they know where to dig down and what to change. But don't be shocked to learn that the "why" always changes and morphs. It's part of the process and necessary for the work they do.

But ask any former wayward their why and they, especially the ones that are far enough out, will usually centre it around themselves. "I did it because I had poor coping mechanisms. I did it because I had no boundaries. I did it because..." and so on. They turn their light from all these other things that may have admittedly affected them in life and turn it onto themselves.

Why? Because that is the only way they will heal and be better. My wife can't change her the fact her father abandoned her. Part of her affair was doing just that with a man eerily similar to him. She has needed to look into herself and find those bits that felt the "need" for that and discover ways to fulfill them for herself.

They need to keep drilling down with the whys until the truth is staring them in the face. Only then can they truly work on what lead them to their choices. Also just a point, not all waywards think their affairs are "okay." My wife knew every step of the way what she was doing was wrong. The guilt nearly lead her to killing herself. She twisted a great many things in her head to justify her actions though.

All that said though I don't totally understand my wife's whys because I'm not her, I don't think or feel like she does. I accept them for what they are and I do basically understand them but I don't do so rationally (because the rational mind cannot understand the irrational). Reconciling with that notion and accepting it as fact has been part of my own process. However I do comprehend them and knowing them helps me gauge if she is on track with healing herself to keep me safe. Knowing her whys and seeing her work on them for herself, and the resulting positive outcome, is necessary to us reconciling as a couple.

Hope my post was of use. Just know, that this takes time, and often with a remorseful wayward the whys are peeled away a layer at a time. There's also quite a few waywards around here years out who are still working on resolving and understanding the whys to their self destruction and loss of integrity, so it's a very long process. Oh and they never should come with the word "you" attached".

From what I have been able to gather after two and a half years of asking why, is that is just felt good. That it was like a drug, just as addictive, it was a vacation from life, a bubble of unreality where none of the rules applied.

It is a trip, an ego booster, and just a lot of fun.

My FWH has told me that he really never even considered that it had anything to do with me. It was a totally separate thing. It wasn't affecting me or my life so what was wrong with it.

Our marriage and our connection was in trouble, so he thought it was perfectly OK to make himself feel happy and worthy with someone else.

So I think the basic answer is it was fun and it felt good.

Of course, when reality bursts that bubble, the guilt and shame almost destroyed him. He says he does not even recognize "that" person as himself. He HATES to think about it or look back on it.

This is such a multi-faceted part of this horrible part of life. I am a BS, but have asked myself similar things, trying to understand with every ounce of my being.

And what I can deduce is that some of it I will never know. Some of it is more simple, though just as painful, as the more difficult points.

There is often a lot of psychology behind affairs, yes...there is also, like the other posts reply, opportunity.

One thing that answers a lot of questions in the case of nearly ExH, is a massive lack of boundaries. He simply cannot tolerate boundaries, didn't have many as a kid and doesn't know why he needs them now...of any kind. About the only kind he cares about is the law.

Sometimes there are old psychological issues on behalf of a WS and I've heard this of some friends, too. Nearly exh is a fascinating subject for counselors because he lost a parent early in life and our DD is the same age when he abandoned us.

Also, nearly exh had a few problems with life-loss of employment and some stress going on and he didn't have any vices or look for any, so that sex became a vice for him, but he claimed I got boring, though was willing...in order to have his affair, he had to tune me out. As his stress grew, I was simply not enough and he put all his life's frustrations on my head and simply blames me for each and every problem.

This way, he doesn't have to blame himself.

I wish there was such a thing as emotional morphine.

It's called Xanax. But it can be addictive.

Unfortunately the answer I receive to "Why?" is "Why what?"

Yay.

Arable I don't have much to add other than to wish you well on YOUR journey.

TR

He thought our M was over...apparently I didn't get the memo on that one.

It goes beyond "Why?" in my opinion, for me the more important question is "How?"

In our situation the answer to "Why?" has been:

1)He had been living on another continent for 2.5 years for work reasons, coming home every 6 mths for 6 weeks - this caused 2 issues, one being that he was treated like a super-hero by me and the kids every time he came home, he got used to that; secondly, he got used to living the single life, free of the daily grind of nagging wife, whining kids, housework etc. The A happened 6 months after he came home permanently - he was miserable being a full-time husband and dad, he wanted the care-free single life he had become used to and he was no longer treated like a super-hero because he was behaving like an irritable, miserable jerk. He was filled with resentment and feeling sorry for himself.

2) The OW treated him like he was some kind of god - she agreed with everything he said, she told him he was clever/gorgeous/funny/sexy....you name it, he was it personified. She lavished attention on him the entire time he was at work. He loooooooved the ego-stroke.

3)Conflict avoidance. He is a MASTER avoider of conflict, he will ignore issues and bury the resentment deep within, rather than having it out with someone.

4)Poor coping mechanisms - he had not the first clue how to cope with his negative feelings

5) She was available and he wanted her. Simple as that really.

Now for the important bit: How? How did he allow himself to do what he did? How did he think it was okay to have an A? How could he live with himself while he was behaving like that? How could he throw away all the years of marriage?

The answer to that is that:

1) He was selfish, had always been selfish, he felt entitled.

2)He had piss-poor boundaries. He acknowledges he was way down the slippery slope before he even realised it. He flirted, she flirted, he spent loooots of time alone with her at work (smoke breaks, lunches etc)

3)Compartmentalisation. I totally don't get this concept but it is a reality for MANY WSs. My fWH could put OW and his relationship with her in a box and when he was with me he would seal up that box and it was as though it didn't exist. No guilt, no shame, just life as usual. (WTF?! Like I said, I don't get it)

4) Dopamine. Apparently cheating causes a rush of a chemical called dopamine in the brain (Google "The anatomy of a cheating brain" - there's a good article there) it's addictive and it seems to me it can make a logical person act quite insane

5) He had a family history of never having to accept responsibility for his actions. His mother ALWAYS blamed someone else when he did wrong, she instilled in him the notion that he could do whatever he wanted and never take responsibility (I've known the man since he was 11 years old, I have seen this in action!)

The one sad truth I have learnt over the last year is this - no matter how logical the explanation for all of this becomes when you dig and delve and discover the "Whys?" and the "Hows?", it doesn't take away the pain. I spent a lot of time thinking that if fWH and I could just figure this all out in a way that made logical sense to me, I would feel SO much better and it would be SO much easier to accept.... Not so. It still hurts like hell, I am still just as angry with him, I still find it all beyond disgusting

That being said, I think it IS important to figure out the Why and How of it all. Armed with that information you can work on the weaknesses and vulnerabilities that led you to this point. You can put boundaries in place,get therapy and talk through things and hopefully prevent something like this from ever happening again.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 8:53 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

my husband and I have talked about the whys a lot and he has talked about it with our vicar who had been supporting us as we cannot afford mc or ic. we keep coming back to my husbands childhood. during my husbands childhood he developed a coping mechanism based on basically breaking his mums excessive rules and then hiding it. he said it gave him a thrill and made him fee in control in a house where he was in control of nothing, this behaviour escalated more and more in ways that would have horrified his mother had she known but always being hidden, this included stealing food, buying whole meals on the way to or home from school college she would not have approved of , secretly dating girls she would have hated, harry potter oddly enough as it was banned and porn but he believed tis secrecy was based on the state of the relationship between himself and his family. but then the behaviour carried on into our marriage and breaking or marriage rule and boundaries and hiding it from me gave him the same thrill. starting with soending our money which we had very little of on sily things, sneaking extra food especially things id brouhgt in special then nights out that he didn't tell me about, id have never objected to him going out but it was the secrecy he needed, then the porn an the girls, he started then to blame me for being too controlling, work for being too stressful his family and my family for being too interfering, none of which were true, now it has all came out and all the cards are on the table he has accepted that it is him. he says that he is so scared of breaking rules and yet so compelled to a the same time.

His why I understand, to a point.

He thought I didn't love him anymore and was only staying for his paycheck. We had tried to have a baby,after many thousands of $ it didn't work. I couldn't handle the hope then grief that I would go through every month. If I didn't let him touch me then I knew there was no reason to hope so not as much grief. I had withdrawn from him completely: physically, emotionally, mentally. He didn't understand why and so instead of talking to me he assumed I just didn't love him anymore.

He was clinically depressed. So depressed that he has said that he is not sure that even if I had told him about my grief that he isn't sure he would have went to counseling with me. His mom is Bi-polar (severely, hospitalized for months at a time over the last 11 yrs) and his brother is paranoid schizophrenic (to the point he has never been able to hold a job). He has always been afraid of "being like them"

Total lack of communication, on both our parts.

He was weak and stupid. He had a void in his life (me shutting down) and she was there telling him how wonderful he was and how horrible I was to treat him "this way". She offered to fill that void. Even though he told her that no matter what he wasn't leaving me and that he didn't love her. No matter that every time he was with her he felt dirty, selfish and disgusted with himself.

The only thing that saved us was a huge fight we had. I got really upset, he was ignoring me and watching tv. I lost it, picked up the remote and threw it (not at him but...). Unfortunately, it hit him in the eyebrow. Split it wide open. He went to get stitches and I started packing. The next day he came home for a couple mins to pick up a few things and said he was staying at his parents. The next day, while sitting in my car waiting for my youngest dd to get out of softball practice, I get a phone call from the police. His parents had talked him into filing a RO on me. I had 1hr to get me and my kids out of the house. No contact with him for 2 weeks. Then very little contact for the next month, basically just getting taxes done and stopping by to pick up a few things I forgot.

According to him, those 6 weeks with little to no contact were the hardest of his life. He would sit around the house and he said everywhere he looked reminded him of me and my kids. He realized how much he loved us and missed us. He ended up getting the help he needed. We started dating again, then I moved back and he confessed all to me. We are firmly in R now and I can honestly say We are happier now than we have probably ever been. He takes full responsibility for his actions. He has said that no matter what he thought I was feeling he had no right to cheat on me, that he was weak. He has also said that even if I can fully forgive him, which I have, that he will never forgive himself.

What I struggle with is the HOW! He says he always loved me, that he never stopped. I don't get how you can love someone and do something that you know is going to destroy them. Also, she is a skank. HOW could he touch her, kiss her and not be physically repulsed?

I don't understand how anyone can put themselves through that much self disgust!

Sorry, I am a little long winded this morning...lol

Our marriage and our connection was in trouble, so he thought it was perfectly OK to make himself feel happy and worthy with someone else.

1) He was selfish, had always been selfish, he felt entitled.

2)He had poor boundaries. He acknowledges he was way down the slippery slope before he even realized it. He flirted, she flirted, he spent lots of time with OW at work

3)Compartmentalization. I totally don't get this concept but it is a reality for MANY WSs. My fWH could put OW and his relationship with her in a box and when he was with me he would seal up that box and it was as though it didn't exist. No guilt, no shame, just life as usual.

4) Dopamine.

5) He had a family history of never having to accept responsibility for his actions.

His mother ALWAYS blamed someone else when SHE did wrong, she instilled in him the notion that he could do whatever he wanted and never take responsibility . In fact, MIL is an unremorseful cheater & OW herself.

In our situation, I keep hoping that WH will start to look at all of this, but he just wants to sweep it under the rug

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:46 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

After reading these, I'm noticing a lot of ws felt they were no longer loved or appreciated. I'm sure mine would slide into that category. Total disconnect over a kid in trouble, financial issues, me worrying about kid in trouble. He actually told me one night to pick him or my DS...I told him not to ask that of me because I would never give up on one of my kids. I assume that was the night he let himself believe it was ok and I didn't care about him...

I'm feeling unappreciated, taken for granted but finding a f**k buddy or a "soulmate" isn't even close to being on my list of things to do. I guess some do and some don't in times of troubled waters of life.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 11:25 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]

Understanding 'why' does absolutely nothing for me, unless it's a step towards changing the thoughts and feelings that enabled the A.

Observing my W, the 'why' was self-hate, self-disgust, self-sabotage - low self-esteem. I suspect low self-esteem is at the bottom of all cheating.

For my husband it started out as someone to vent to about work but he decided to take it a step further and start taking her out. He took her because he wanted to and chose her because it's who he wanted to spend time with at that time. He did it again because he enjoyed it. He even said his knees were shaking when he drove to meet her the first time. He said he knew it was wrong but did it anyway. The real kicker is he feels like because he stoped at 4, he should get some credit for that. Yeah, I don't think so.

Understanding "why" is an opportunity for a WW to do some work on themselves and learn to understand their own way of being in the world.

On D-day I would have told you that the reason I had an affair is because my husband was a pot smoker who wouldn't quit and he had emotionally abandoned me. One year later, here is an excerpt from my journal that goes a little more in depth and is more reflective of what was wrong with me.

"I spent a lot of years as an invisible person. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I would hide and /or repress my emotions, opinions, thoughts, to the point that I wasn't even aware of them myself. I never asked for what I needed and I can remember peeing my pants in Grade one, rather than have to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom. In social situations, in school, at work, in my marriage, I was a quiet, reserved and calm person. So much so, that I even believed that those characteristics were the real me. I didn't offer my thoughts to anybody. I never put myself forward. In social situations I never spoke up on what I thought. So many times in school or in socially, I knew very well that I had a brilliant idea or I had the right answer to a question, but I would not share it. I actually liked being invisible. I became an emotional anorexic and in some perverted way, I saw that as a virtue.

What I need to understand is how to engage with my own life. I need to learn to speak up, to be seen and heard, to stop hiding. I need to learn to ask for what I need and what I want. I'm not sure yet, why I wanted to be invisible - is it because of fear? is it a form of laziness? is it a religious thing about emotions being bad? is it being stingy and not sharing myself in relationships? Is there a subconscious belief that I don't deserve? I guess that is the next step in the work I need to do."

It is a year and a half since I wrote that and I am still working on it. I think that understanding "why" can have a lot of layers and is probably a life long pursuit.

t/j Wow Hallelujah.

"I spent a lot of years as an invisible person. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I would hide and /or repress my emotions, opinions, thoughts, to the point that I wasn't even aware of them myself. I never asked for what I needed and I can remember peeing my pants in Grade one, rather than have to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom. In social situations, in school, at work, in my marriage, I was a quiet, reserved and calm person. So much so, that I even believed that those characteristics were the real me. I didn't offer my thoughts to anybody. I never put myself forward. In social situations I never spoke up on what I thought. So many times in school or in socially, I knew very well that I had a brilliant idea or I had the right answer to a question, but I would not share it. I actually liked being invisible. I became an emotional anorexic and in some perverted way, I saw that as a virtue.

So many times I suffered and didn't say a word. When my husband and I got in a fight I would be sooooo agitated in my spirit, so very hurt and upset, but would never speak. I ignored the bitterness that would build up in me. Why didn't I ever speak up? Why didn't I ask for what I needed? I don't even get it now.

your journal entry could, in many ways, have been written by me.

although I'm the BS, not the WS, your emotions are the same ones I've felt.

I'm only beginning to tap into it with IC. I'm learning a lot about codependency and ingrained thoughts/processes from my childhood (my dad was WS and I played the role of comforter/supporter for my Mom as well as stepping in to take care of younger sibling)

I could keep listing off all the reasons why, but all that matters is she was a broken person inside

External Validation, Ego Boost, Felt Wanted, ... She has used every one of these and many more.

It all boils down to problems the WS is not dealing with appropriately and most of the time they started when they were too young to understand.

My WW still can't grasp the fact that she is never going to explain "why" to me because she cannot explain "why" to herself...and she never will until she does the work to deal with very, very long standing problems from her family of origin, childhood, and poor coping skills.

In her case, proper boundaries and a proper sense of direction are very hard things to develop when sexually she had them destroyed as a kid.

[This message edited by TwoHearts at 6:05 PM, August 6th (Tuesday)]