SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have nowhere else to go to share my struggles.

So for past couple of weeks I have been struggling with acceptance. I am waking up scared thinking “Omg .. this really did happen and I did that.”

The issue is I can not look at CL and say I was selfish, manipulative, did not respect you and then say “Please stay with me.” How can I even ask that? How can I ask for love, forgiveness? How can I accept it?

I struggle with wanting to walk away.

That’s why I wonder why is he still here? How can he be here? How can a relationship survive this? How will it look like if it does?

That’s the reason I keep looking for some sort of justification so that I can separate out my A behavior in my head. I am stuck here.

As soon as I start thinking about how selfish and manipulative and cruel it was, I start shutting down and isolating myself. I realize I shouldn’t be doing this, so I try to reach out to CL. But that ends up in him feeling drained and exhausted.

It’s a cycle and I don’t know how to break it.

Its not a pity party and I am not asking for sympathy. I am feel like i am stuck in quicksand.

EF, why can't you look at CL and say those things? When my wh said those things to me, it was a huge step in our R. Have you ever said that to him? As hard as it is to accept, this did happen and you did act in a selfish and manipulative way. He already knows this, but you admitting it out loud to him could be a comfort to him.

Sorry...hit submit by accident. Wanted to also add that I'm sorry you are hurting. I watched my wh struggle and still struggle with the same feelings. But truly accepting it and then dealing with it, can help a bs have hope that his or her ws can identify and work on issues and become a healthy, safe person to be with. Show CL that you can be that person, and more importantly, become that healthy person for you. Maybe saying it to CL could be a turning point for you to get unstuck.

Walking away would be a selfish act. You made the choice to cheat and unless you have no desire to reconcile, the decision to end the relationship is now in his hands not yours.

I can't comment on your desire for forgiveness because I am no where near forgiving myself and I have no expectations that my wife will ever forgive me. I have these same struggles. I have certainly said "Please stay with me" as well and it does make me feel like a complete hypocrite since I was the one who strayed in the first place.

You sound so much like my WH as far as shutting down. He has it in his head that I would never want to work things out with him because of how much he hurt me...so he never asks. He shuts down and isolates himself and I'm left wondering why he hates me so much.

I would love for my WH to admit those things to me and ask me for forgiveness. You might not get the response you want right away, but it could definitely open the door. It's a step in the right direction.

Best of luck to you

I struggle with wanting to walk away.

Walking away is the easy way out. You can then pack your problems in a cute little box with a bow and bury them deep and never do the work it takes to figure out what got you here in the first place. But when you stay things are difficult, complicated. Are you staying because its the right thing to do? Because you are afraid to be alone? Or because you love him and want to build a life that includes him? Staying means working on yourself and the M at the same time. It's a huge commitment. So make sure you are making it for the right reasons.

That’s why I wonder why is he still here? How can he be here

There was a reason CL fell in love with you. He is probably holding onto hope that that girl still exists beneath all the crap. That maybe, just maybe the girl he thought you were really is the person you are and that the person you have shown yourself to be is the one that is out of character. He is holding onto hope that you will take ownership for your actions and do the work to change those behaviors that led you here.

How can a relationship survive this? How will it look like if it does?

Not every relationship can survive this. Not every relationship should. I consider myself one of the very lucky ones. It had not been easy. I had to take a good long look at myself and accept the fact that I was capable of hurting other people, especially those that I loved. There is no finish line to the work you must do to maintain a healthy relationship. Infidelity never goes away. We still think about it every day. We still talk about it. But how we talk about has changed. And I imagine we will still be talking about it 10 years from now. It is part of who we are. And who we are is pretty damn great! So it's possible. But not if this is happening:

As soon as I start thinking about how selfish and manipulative and cruel it was, I start shutting down and isolating myself.

I used to shut down too. The way I broke through it was by forcing myself to keep talking about the issue at hand. HT would call me out if I began to deflect and change the subject. HT would ask me what i was thinking when I would become silent. He hasn't always liked what i am thinking but telling him has been very helpful. I had to accept the fact that I would not always have the 'right' answer. That things I said would make him angry. And that's ok. Keep pushing until you break through that wall.

Thanks everybody.

Here is the thing. Seeing CL hurt and struggle so much is the hard. Knowing I am the reason for it and then staying is even harder. I struggle with the idea of back-stabbing and then saying but I love you and I am sorry. More I am dealing with this shit more difficult it is getting for me to face him.

Its almost as if I have forgotten how to communicate with somebody. Anything I do seems to bother him. I had withdrawn from him. I did not even realize that. He kept asking me what was wrong. So now if I reach out to him asking him how he was doing he gets really upset saying I should just leave him alone. If I stay away then its like I dont care. If I laugh then its wrong. If I cry I am draining his energy.

Confidence and happy-go-lucky attitude is a part of personality. There have bene few moments when I felt like that. But immediately I pulled myself back thinking something is really wrong with feeling like that.

I have to clue how do I connect with him.

The issue is I can not look at CL and say I was selfish, manipulative, did not respect you and then say “Please stay with me.” How can I even ask that? How can I ask for love, forgiveness? How can I accept it?

So stop saying that and asking for that. Work on yourself and let CL make his choices without having to be concerned for your welfare.

I remember an old boyfriend asking what is the way he could prove his love to me. My answer, by taking care of yourself. If someone depends on you it's exhausting and depleting. Especially if you're trying to heal from a blow inflicted by them.

I think that's the ultimate in cruelty, honestly. Viciously hurt someone then cling to them like a life raft because you have boo boo owies. Seriously? Dear God.

Yes, you seem to really be stuck on that concept. Why, EF? Do you not comprehend that possessing those "skills" also means they can be multipurpose? Knives are used in crimes. Also to cut steak au poivre. If you could be that single purposed and goal oriented then damn, girl, quit faffing about and get on it.

CL is a big boy. He understands choices and that he has them.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 2:13 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

EmotionalFool, please don't give up on yourself or him. My H apologized, once. He has never asked me to forgive him and he told me he wants me to remain his wife, but he never ASKED me to stay with him. He has given up on us, himself, and God. I'm left wondering how could he hate me so much when all I have done is love him. I would give ANYTHING, anything for him to ask me to stay, tell me how he feels, or just hang in there. Please do your best to dig deep in yourself for the strength you need to work on you and your marriage. Trust in God that he will work on your H and lean on Him for any strength you feel you don't have. You will hurt, but you will NOT regret doing your best to make it work.

Me-BS 43

Him-WH 45

3 stepkids

Married 8, together 9

[This message edited by StillLivin at 9:44 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

I really hope you don't give up. Me and my ww were able to move forward and after 4 years have come out very strong, where you are reminds me of where we were. It really does take time, I can only give you advice that worked for us. The first year after d-day I was a shell of my former self and my wife didn't know what she wanted. But after that first year she got over the affair and fully committed to our marriage. It took me much longer, being betrayed like that hurts so deep. But my wife started showing me how she had changed, even though I basically hated my life with what she had done she just kept trying. She gave me love when I needed it and space when I needed that. After two years I finally started to truly forgive her and see how she had changed. It has almost been four years now I can honestly say we are back to where we were before, if not better. I guess to sum it up, you can't control how he feels you can only control yourself. But he stayed for a reason and if you fully commit no matter how hard it and given time (lots of time) it gets better. I urge you to read my post "hope this helps someone".

Thanks uo, stillivin and jwayne10. Really appreciate your feedback.

Eta: I dont know how that crying face got there.

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 12:44 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]