SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Are we really in reconciliation? I know I am not.

Im in limbo. I don't really post in the Reconciliation forum. It puzzles me that many of the posts are people so frustrated with reconciliation but your not allowed to really "go there" in that forum.

Which hey rules are rules. I get that and I try to follow them. I want to be in reconciliation. I want a a remorseful, transparent wh. Not happening.

But I lurk in the reconciliation forum and I just think who really is in true reconciliation...i know its possible. It seems many ws have their heads still firmly planted up their asses.

Or ws in reconciliation continue to do some pretty random yet ridiculous and hurtful shit. Ya no one is perfect but seriously ws's in my opinion are truly lacking some brain cells. Any how.

Im not trying to generalize. Im just perplexed and thinking out loud.

Ya no one is perfect but seriously ws's in my opinion are truly lacking some brain cells

Honestly, I think that about some BS's too. Waiting for someone to change when the only one changing is "you" and it's definitely not for the better is a really poor game plan.

I know this only too well. Spoiler alert. It ends horribly.

You post how much you hate him and tell him that quite often. How much in limbo are you really?

Uh excuse me...

Im lacking brain cells.

I post how much I hate my wh and I say it often...

Seriously I come to SI and vent and I say what I am not allowed to say in real life because its not acceptable to

Anyone around me!

Its funny how some people get so sick of other people situations! guess im that whiny stupid bs in your opinion.

I have the issue because I choose to be in limbo?! is that your point?! Ya i dont have anything else to add.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 10:30 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

"Honestly, I think that about some BS's too. Waiting for someone to change when the only one changing is "you" and it's definitely not for the better is a really poor game plan."

Wow...thanks

I am not in reconciliation even though I am still with my WH#2. If it takes him being remorseful and truthful about the A we will never be there according to the the rules of reconcilation. I will always be in limbo. Sure I have a choice, I could D him, then what?? Get yet another man that I have to worry about (if I could even find someone at my age) or stay single and be lonely for the rest of my life. I would also lose what little I was able to salvage from my D from XWH#1 and go back into debt yet again and face the many painful court dates. I would also lose my relationships with his family members like I did with XWH#1 and I don't have many of my own family left (self-centered brother and an aging aunt).

I also read on the reconciliation forum and find that most of them are really in limbo too, they just won't admit it. They have the same fears as every other BS, and often times their fears come true. At least I know that in limbo I am not in false reconciliation. I am somewhat better prepared should he decide to stray again, because he probably will, but I can only hope he won't.

I don't know if limbo is even the right word for where I am. I have basically accepted that my marriage and my husband are not what I thought they were. I know I don't want the stress, pain, and expense of another divorce. I love my WH#2 and hate him at the same time. I will never trust him or forgive him in my heart for what he did and I have about accepted that too. Maybe someone can come up with a word for it besides limbo. (((HUGS)))

I think it is a process that we are all struggling through.

It is hard to give up hope.

I think we all want that remorseful wh, to truly be in R. Who wouldn't?

Sometimes it is hard to see what is right in front of you because it hurts too much.

Maybe we just aren't ready to see it. Once you see it, accept it, then you have to make decisions.

I believe that it just takes time, introspection and figuring out what you want your life to look like.

It is hell for us all.

(((everyone in pain)))

It puzzles me that many of the posts are people so frustrated with reconciliation but your not allowed to really "go there" in that forum.

Please clarify where you're not allowed to go.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:35 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

I have the issue because I choose to be in limbo?! is that your point?! Ya i dont have anything else to add.

Ah, so I guess it's ok to judge others situation just not your own. Gotcha. Think that's rather arrogant and insensitive but ok.

Sunflower, I posted from my experience as a spouse that waited for my ex to stop being abusive and viscious. He wasn't always like that and I hoped things would change. I was the only one changing.

Whether you come here to post because you have no one else to talk to or not changes no facts. You hate him. You are very clear about that. How is that limbo?

Thanks trust gone. I was looking for some feed back from other bs on reconciliation and feeling in limbo. I so get what your saying.

SI staff, im not trying to cause an issue or be a problem. I just stated my opinion. I just feel like I have to watch every word i post in reconciliation. That I cant be myself and authentic there. Thats just my opinion for me. I don't belong in reconciliation but general just doesn't feel like my place either :(

I see quite clearly my situation and what is right infront of me.

If it was so simple and easy to just pack my shit and leave and my kids I would.

SFG,

I think many WSs really have yet to come to terms with their selfishness and sense of entitlement. They are disconnected from the pain they cause.

UOne has posted a lot of insightful commentary. I think what she is saying is that if you work on yourself and get emotionally healthy, you will be able to get past any denial that you may be suffering from and be able to create and enforce boundaries without a huge amount of angst.

that being said, I think UO is unfair in her remarks, since the trauma of infidelity often reinjures old, old wounds and issues that are very difficult to quickly overcome expeditiously. These old wounds would have remained moot absent the trauma. So there is a compounding effect emotionally that infidelity creates.

I liked your pics BTW in F&G.

Reconciliation is a process, not a destination. It takes time. It takes committment. It is a long, often ugly, process. It is not linear.

There are many phases and stages of reconciliation. Some make it through, some do not. Steps forward, steps back.

It ain't easy, but it isn't impossible. It does exist. Look at the founders of this board.

I have to watch every word i post in reconciliation. That I cant be myself and authentic there.

The only thing that isn't allowed in that forum is venting about the OP. That's it.

There are huge struggles when trying to reconcile, that forum is open to everything...except namecalling/venting about the OP.

Hey Sunflowergirl

I am sorry for your pain. I am sorry you haven't been able to go in a direction to heal and are stuck in "limbo"

The R forum, IMO is for hope. It's a place where many of us go, even those who are not in true R...because we/they are holding onto the hope that it's where they will get...if they do the work and their spouses do the work. It isn't always sunshine and flowers...but keeping things upbeat and positive, but honest, are so important when people are finding their way.

Hope is so important to have during this shit storm. Some of us hold on too long and others see things clearly from the get-go.

There are others too who find their way, are able to R and live a happy marriage going forward.

So everyone's journey is their own and we all just try to be supportive as we can, taking the lessons we have learned and sharing them.

If you know you are not in R do you have a direction for you going forward? Can you heal yourself and start to take a direction that's right for you?

I hope so, being stronger and healthier was the only way I knew I could survive. It will end your limbo and let you see clearly the path that is right for you.

(((hugs)))

ETA sorry, we cross posted.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:46 AM, August 12th (Monday)]

Sunflower, I recenlt posted in the R forum because I thought we were at least starting.

Turns, out, I don't belong there. Yet. And maybe there are several (many) others who don't either. But even if they don't belong there, I still think it is a great place for people to get some direction on how to proceed if and when R is really happening. And for some people, posting in R and getting feedback from others, can help them "get their heads out of their asses" and realize that perhaps (like me) they jumped the gun a little thinking they were in R.

I'd like to think it's possible, and that plenty of people can find their "happy place" again after a successful R.

I do agree that WS and BS alike are both guilty of having their heads up their asses sometimes. For many of us it's a way of protecting ourselves. It takes time to lose that defense mechanism. Only then can true R begin... or, proceedings for S & D.

We are trying to forgive the person who has killed the marriage. We have to live with them everyday, and watch them everday, as they approach clarity. While never really getting there. It makes impossible, seem possible. This maybe offensive, and I apologize, but its like trying to be friends with the drunken driver that killed your loved one.

I don't know your history. But I think I understand how you feel.

I stay off SI when I feel like that.

I avoid JFO because I think I'm still too raw even 1yr post-Dday. I avoid R because I am not confident of our R. I avoid Divorce/Sep even though that is the way I lean in my head because I feel fake being there without having taken decisive action.

My M is in limbo. I am not. I feel things every day but they are not always consistent.

If I posted daily what I "thought" I would look like a total wacko. Hate him! Aww, he's ok, what a sweetheart. Jerk!

I'm all over the place. Since I am so unglued and inconsistent in how I feel I have decided it is best to be quiet, observe how I am doing, discuss with IC, and just enjoy limbo. Who says you can't sit in the middle of the seesaw and think for as long as you want? How many WS have done that without their BS's even knowing?

I have a natural impatience. I am learning to be more patient with myself while I sort all this out - and to keep my mouth shut

Some days I would love to just be done with all this and move on all by myself. Some days I am happy I am making an effort at working this out slowly especially when I see how much I don't know/don't understand.

I think TOO much about what he "should" be like in R. IC says I have to stop with the "shoulds" but usually she is talking about when I "should" myself. I guess that would apply to WH too.

Perplexed is ok. I think "out loud" to a word document and IC. Wish I had more helpful suggestions.

Seriously uncertone I'm judging because i said ws who continue to not be remorseful or transparent and continue to do things that hurt their betrayed spouse have their head up their ass! Hows that limbo working for me? Yet im arrogant and insensitive?

What the HELL! Wow...

that being said, I think UO is unfair in her remarks, since the trauma of infidelity often reinjures old, old wounds and issues that are very difficult to quickly overcome expeditiously

Oh, trust me. UO gets that all too well. The trauma of many things reinjures old wounds and issues we haven't healed and grown from. Yep, more than a few waywards can attest to that very real cluster fuck.

Not talking about expeditiously. Healing is a process. It's also important that the person healing tracks that process and sees when it's going off the rails.

Yeah, trauma can do some real shit stirring. So can the choices of dealing with that trauma.

No, it's not easy to just pack bags and leave. Got that very well. It is possible to start to detach and put in a game plan. You're not a newbie here and have had time to see if your husband is capable of change. Since your daughter found pictures on his phone a few weeks ago doesn't seem like he's changing much.

If you're choosing to stay that's a choice you're making. I don't call that limbo. Every day you stay and don't put plans in place you're making choices. You also have options. I'm merely suggesting you look at those.

SI staff, yes you are right . I was more just trying to say I guess i just dont feel i belong in reconciliation but i an not divorcing or separated. I apologize for the way i worded my post.

I do believe in reconciliation. I am not saying it doesnt exist or isnt possible.