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I have been through this before and let it go. Now it is back.

H began his a through texting with ow that he met through work a couple of times. There were thousands of texts over a period of 2 months before dday.

He says in the beginning it was mostly regarding work to be done in her house. Then it changed.

I am not asking for specific conversations, only the topics. How did it progress, did she compliment you, ask about your life? What opened the door? What did she say or talk about to you that made you believe that you loved her?

He says she talked about a perfect life. what does that mean? What touched you? What made you feel so good?

He left me for this texting affair. He says he cannot remember. Then he questioned why I want this. Would it just cause more pain?

I feel like they still share secrets. He knows what he said and what she said, he was there, I was not. I suffer through my imagination. I know it turned sexual, I know he said "I love you".

I just want to understand how it progressed, what touched his heart to allow him to do this. What was he getting out of it.

Should I just try to let it go?

I already know the result, why is the beginning so important to me?

I can definitely see the motivation to eliminate secrets between them. But is that realistic? If it's for the purpose of getting to 'know' him better and presumably use that information to help R, then the caution I would have is to remember you're reading the thoughts ofsomeone clearly not grounded in any kind of reality.

I think you're right to question whether this will help or hinder at this point. You know what you are likely to see...do you need to actually see it in black and white?

I don't want to see it.

I want him to tell me what the draw was.

How did texting with this person become so all consuming.

what did he get from it. How did it make him feel.

What words touched him so much that he could leave me for a stranger.

I definitely don't want to see the texts.

I don't want to hear about the sexual exchanges.

I just wonder, how did this start, how did he cross that line.

does that make sense?

He says it was the attention that he wasn't getting from me.

It is so convoluted, I wanted to give attention, I wanted to so badly. He wouldn't allow it, our relationship was a mess.

Even he is now questioning me, "why did you stay with me?'

I think we may have been in an abusive whirlwind.

It is different now. He is working to change himself. I may be still looking to blame myself, what did I do wrong.

I am in a bad state today.

It seems that after a good day I always take a nose dive.

I will let it rest for a bit. Try to see what I am really looking for.

From someone who knows TOO much. Leave it alone, you don't want to know. It will only hurt and raise more questions.

Cantaccept,

I understand where you are coming from. I asked my H the same things yesterday. I need to know what qualities he liked about her. What made someone who trusts very few people, trust her? What need did she meet of his that would cause him to risk it all? I need to know these things. How do you fix something unless you know exactly where it broke?

I demanded all of the details and regret it to this day. The details have caused more harm than good and increased my triggers 1,000%. If I had it to do all over again I would have stuck with the facts: he had an EA, it turned into a PA...head to counseling, fix what was broke, move on.

Why did he do this will always be on your mind. Most likely, he did this for the excitement of the whole thing. She made him feel special like he was the only one who mattered. They had no history, no arguments no nothing, just pure bliss. Sorry, but it's true.

I understand the mind movies getting the best of you. Ask him if you need clarification but stick to simple facts.

He probably can't remember. That is compartmentalizing. It stinks.

I found out my whole life was changed over a "line card". That was how my H met the OW. She stopped in to sell him something and BAM, the rest is history. I needed to know how they met but it didn't do any good at all for me. I can't keep him locked in a box.

Take your time with the details. Ask yourself if it really matters. Pause, ask, does it really matter? Most of the time the answer is no unless you are talking about a possible STI.

I am in the same place as you regarding my WH's texts with his Coworker #1. It's driving me nuts not knowing how this relationship developed, what it was about her that was so attractive to him. BUT on the other hand... I know that the texts that I did read between WH and Coworker #2 haunt me every single day. It is so difficult, feeling desperate to know what happened, but then not being able to UNknow it afterwards. (((hugs)))

He's already told you what drew him to her--the attention. It was the little buzz of a text coming in, sort of like the old movie "You've Got Mail." She was needy and he fed that need. He was needy and she fed his need. They were like two little toddlers saying, "watch me", only toddlers would have had the intelligence to leave their genitals out of it.

Really, I highly doubt there was anything special about her. The attention made him feel good. Maybe he thought he was rescuing her from something and that felt good. She could have been anyone.

I was one who needed to know everything. Yeah it hurt like hell but my imagination was so vivid & active I needed to know if it was as bad as I imagined. Mostly it was. But there were a few things that wasn't. He could t remember all the details about texts & all how it started. He claims he was out of his freaking mind & now feels ashamed at what he can Remember. I'm not sure I believe that. He always had an Iron clad memory so he's blocked it out or just is ashamed for me to know the rest of it. There were almost 12,000 texts between them in 3 months + 150 or do phone calls. He was CONSUMED with her & he really can't give me a good reason why now. He says he thought he was in love with her during the A. Pisses me off cause I want o know hat was so great about a girl young enough to be his daughter that would alli him to risk his reputation family job & marriage over. I mean she didn't even want her husband to find out. If she was so in love why didn't she want the whole world to know? I did when I fell in love with him! So I guess we will never know what was so great a out it all

Cantaccept

I read in your post that you are wanting to understand the dynamic between them. What the hook was for him, what about their exchanges kept him hooked in.

Rather than the actual details.

You are wanting a narrative of the evolution of his infidelity.

I can understand this. The second half of my H's affair was by text and phone. With only two very brief meet ups that were dissappointing and flat.

The act of digging and writing it all down for me (because nearly everything was deleted and not able to be retrieved - work phone so couldn't see specific records etc). Showed me how far he was prepared to go to give me disclosure his level of committment to establishing my condidtions for reconciliation.

I found some comfort in this.

Also - understanding the dynamic between he and his AP really showed me that it was a fabrication. texting and phone calls allowed them to be what ever they wanted.

I also wanted and obsessed over trying to retrieve records to verify his disclosures.

I now no longer search, probe and investigate the affair. but I did for about a year after disclosure.

If you H. is prepared to committ to this process with you, you will see this in his actions over time, and over time your confidence in his committment will build. Focus on the details of the affair will subside.

I do believe that level focus on these things is an indication of confidence in the waywards committment to healing and reconciliation.

Are there are also some other things you need to feel safe in reconciliation that are not in place yet?

best wishes

Meg

I do think

I want the details - I want to read all of their texts, if only to really find out the truth. There are a lot of things that I question, specifically regarding what they talked about, and think that knowing would be better than letting my imagination take over.

(((cantaccept)))

It is helping me to move away from the small, specific details (how many times did he fondle you, kiss you, tell you he loved you, orgasmed, etc.) and view as big a picture as I can. For the better part of this year I dug for details...and got a lot of them. In some ways this was necessary so that I could step back and see the big picture....and specific emails both during my wifes affair and during her fog helped make that picture possible. To be sure it was painful....but, for me, it was necessary.

Now I see the affair in a clearer light. It is not THE issue within our marriage...it really is a symptom of our marriage. The real details that ended with adultery being invited into our marriage came from within my fWW....in my case this was programmed into my wife during the formative years.

The details I speak of are the many ways in which my wife avoided conflict, avoided her feelings, hid and kept secret small details of her life, kept intimacy at a safe distance from where it could damage her... She kept this from me...but most importantly from herself. I really think my wife was so detached from parts of herself that she didn't recognize parts of herself.

This is why I believe the affair my wife chose to have would have happened regardless of who she is married to.

Yes, a partner has influence on the other....but it is the seemingly small details throughout the marriage that led our WS to adultery...and those details were many times just known to our WS...we were not privy to them. Sometimes they weren't facing what was inside them either.

Now....what do we do with this new found wisdom?

Don't have a good answer other then we do the best we can....we start by looking at OUR details....see what we weren't facing, how we coped with life....and start there.

It sucks....but maybe if you have enough details to really see your husbands affair in the big picture light it will make the details seem not so dreadful and you can process through that phase?

I went for a walk in the park tonight...cried in the middle of the ball field....so I still feel a great deal of pain even with this big picture idea....the details are still very much a part of our marriage now.

I do pray for my wife that she will have the courage to open her heart, to really face herself, to accept that not so good parts of her exist. I pray the same prayer for myself. In this regard I believe BS and WS alike are broken.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:39 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

I desperately want to read those texts and tried everything in my power to get them back. However, I know, deep down, that doing so is only pain shopping.

I know the general things they talked about and reading it in black and white will only hurt me even more.

As it is the texts that got him caught are burned into my brain forever. I don't think I need any thing else to keep me up at night.