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...thank goodness for my friend who called me the second she got my text saying I was having a panic attack.

Can I ease ask how in the fuck I'm supposed to do the 180 when I decompensate in front of him at a moments notice?

I laid on the bedroom floor for about two hours reading and re-reading his valentines day card to me this year....

I'm just so devastated. My friend called and talked me down off the ceiling so I could breathe....

Now it's not just the two hot button topics - sex and religion- that are the problem...apparently there were other things wrong with our life...

WHAT THE FUCK

I just keep praying and praying and asking God to show me what to do next.....

...you know all I ever wanted in this world was to be worth something to someone. My own mother didn't even bother to stay....

What is WRONG with me?..

There is nothing wrong with you. When a mother doesn't stay, there is something wrong with her. When a spouse cheats, there is something wrong with them.

The 180 is a hard thing to do, when all you really want to do is melt in their arms and have them love you.

But it is the only thing that will snap someone back into reality, when they really, really, think they may lose you. If they don't care if they lose you, then you are better off without them. Hugs.

I'm so sorry, nekorb.

I wanted you to know you are not alone.

I am a sufferer of panic attacks;

I am a person who was abandoned by her mother;

My mother keeps secrets from me to this day;

and I was abandoned and cheated on by my spouse as well.

I am so sorry that it is causing you this self-doubt-I've had it too. The post that says that they are broken people is right.

One thing that's really hard is learning how to be "worth something" to your very own self. To realize that you have potential and value as a person and are doubtful a good person, to boot.

I will share some of my story because I lost myself in the relationship I had with Perv as it sounds a little bit like you did with your Wh. He was so overwhelming of a personality that people still don't know my capabilities or knowledge that's in my head. I put myself away a lot of the time to keep the peace, so I kind of lost myself.

I also used to feel that I was acceptable or something if I was part of a couple and that my value came from being in that couple, but I don't feel that way anymore.

I feel that the value of a person comes from inside and that we all have strength inside that we have to discover. I don't know if it will help any, but value and self worth for me come from things I do-or don't do-like accomplishments.

I wonder if the card you were reading could be a trigger? I know that at the beginning, mementos like that from Perv were triggers for me, or his picture or belongings and I did better when I put them away and got out of the house, even just to walk around a store and look at unrelated things.

I'm sorry my reply is so long. Your post spoke to me and still there is much more I could say, if you wanted...I haven't touched on my mother's part of things, but have done a lot of growth regarding her, too.

Briefly, she abandoned my father in the same way that Perv abandoned us-just walked out the door and never looked back-and she did that when she lived at my house later as an adult when we tried to help her recover from being a BS in her other marriage. So even when I was trying to help someone from the ground up to restart her life, so to speak, she still walked out the door and never looked back after a small conflict that could have been easily fixed and should have.

It.is.them. I know that now. Neither person can tolerate conflict and each is narcissistic. I hope there will come a time when the air will clear some and you can step back to take a look at the personalities of the people who hurt you, as it's one of the things that's got me still glued together. Also, reading about the personality traits when I was miserable was helpful to distract me and search for clues.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:10 PM, September 2nd (Monday)]

Nekorb, you reading and re-reading his valentines day card while you lay on the floor made me think of one of the worst emotional meltdowns I had. This was after I was somewhat successfully doing the 180. I don't think I had cried in front of my wife for months.

I was going through our files. There was a file folder marked as letters I've collected over the years. I found a collection of love letters my wife wrote to me when we first fell in love, when we were engaged, and even a few from shortly after we were married. I knew once I started reading that I could not hold it back. I lay on the floor for hours crying and reading the letters over and over again. I knew my wife would see me. I knew I was helpless to stop it. I didn't even want to try. It was one of those moments when I knew that the most important thing was to let myself feel exactly what I was feeling and not try to hold anything back or hide anything.

The beautiful thing about finding and reading those letters again was that I had proof in her own handwriting that she did fall in love with me, that we did love each other as much as any young couple that gets married, and that she felt exactly how I remember her feeling.

She had tried to deny it. She tried to convince me that she was never really in love with me. She tried to convince me that she never felt the way I did. There were a few times I almost bought her rewrite of the history of our relationship. Finding and reading those letters again stopped my steady slide into the madness of questioning everything I ever believed about our relationship. The truth is that she just didn't want to feel guilty, so she tried to forget it or rewrite it all.

I know better now, and while those memories still hurt like hell, knowing the truth will help me accept and move on.

Thank you for the support.

Yesterday was just a shitty day all the way around.

I've Meade my doctor and asked him to up my medications. I really struggling with suicidal ideation and impulses toward cutting and self harming.

It really pisses me off that at this stage in my life (43 yo) I don't have better coping mechanisms in place that prevent my default reaction to trauma is unhealthy coping behaviors.

On the topic of 180...I was giving it my best shot for the past week, and all it did was make me so anxious that I could barely function.

I don't understand how that is supposed ot be helping me *at all*.

Nekorb - Hug honey.

It's ok that you are so overwhlemed by it all. MANY of us had to go get some chemical assistance to get through the early days.

Please remember, and keep telling yourself that this is all him. IT has ZERO to do with you. Whatever stupid reasons he gave you for it are all bullshit. The truth of the matter is he is very broken.

When you feel the urge to cut, or self harm, please do something instead. Clean drawer, go for a good brisk walk, anything to burn off that anxious energy. Keep posting here.

((((and strength)))))

So sorry you are going through this. Google the word "Rewriting History Marriage" and you'll see how commonly it is done by WS to justify their actions. It is guilt driven. Don't believe a word of what he says.

As for the 180, did you get out of the house every night? It takes time, not just a week. Go out for coffee with an old friend, take a class you always wanted, join a zumba group or a gym, volunteer at an animal shelter - whatever it takes. Hugs.

I had a really hard time with the 180 until the third dday. At that point, my sense of self-preservation was strong enough to start detaching and protecting myself from continued lying and emotional abuse. I had a lot of people telling me to take better care of myself and stop worrying about my wife. It finally got through to me, and I had finally seen enough unbelievable behavior from her to realize she was lost down the rabbit hole.

[This message edited by endlessabsurdity at 8:42 PM, September 3rd (Tuesday)]

This is all completely "normal" and you have every right to feel devastated and to mourn your situation.

I am someone who never took anti-depressants. Never saw an IC. By and large I was always a happy-go-lucky person with good self-esteem.

After DDay I thought about suicide. I remember after one of our conversations, if I had the means to do it, I probably would have. I just kept thinking about my family and friends and I didn't want to be as selfish as he was by doing something to hurt and devastate them the way he had devastated me. I told myself over and over again that it was the pain I wanted to end, not my life. In the end, really all I wanted was a reaction out of him. I wanted him to face some kind of consequence.

I remember a family member finding me uncontrollably crying in the fetal position on my bedroom floor, thinking that she might have to call an ambulance... I was completely out of it. I had night terrors for weeks. I would wake up out of a dead sleep in a panic attack, calling out for WS. Friends had to come over and literally put me in the shower and force me to eat. I lost so much weight, I was a size 0.

It took me about two months of IC and the help of others to pull myself out of it. I sleep fine now for the most part. I'm gaining the weight back (much to my disappointment! :)). I can't believe I almost wasted my life on someone who could treat me so terribly.

I'm still very fragile, but I've learned breathing techniques to stop panic attacks and I've tried meditation and yoga to calm myself. I take herbal supplements sometimes (Holy Basil) and didn't have to go on anti-depressants.

Just that you recognize that your impulses to cut or hurt yourself are not healthy is such an important first step. Get the help that you need and keep reaching out here and IRL. It is a long, long, long road. You are going to need a lot of support to get through it... but you will!

I had them too. I would wake up in pure horror with the image that sluts facebook picture imprinted on my mind. I found myself with trouble breathing when I thought about how he wanted her, and not me, his wife of 21 years. I gave him the best of me, and he threw it away. I told him all these things. He says he is so sorry, and wants US, and our family, our children. I am taking baby steps because I don't trust him. I always thought I was a strong person too, but the very next morning after D-day I was at the grocery store, and I stocked up on sleeping pills. I still have them. I have never felt like I wanted to end things until this happened. I have children who need me, and I know it would be wrong. I made lists of reasons to stay and reasons to leave. The short list was reasons to stay, it only has my children on it. He tells me that would be a selfish act. Really - well isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. I have already written my goodbye letters to each of my kids. Each day I get stronger, and I don't think about ending the pain as much, the pain is subsiding. I try to focus on hope. I hope you find many reasons to stay, and much support on this site, and from your family and friends. I send hugs your way, and hope.

After having suffered with panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder for the better part of six months, I can offer up a few pieces of advice on dealing with them. These tactics helped a lot with the acute symptoms of a panic attack, and they were one coping mechanism that helped me through (and are still helping me through) the dark times.

Breathing - best technique I ever learned. Still use it to this day. It is called the four-seven-eight. Breath in through your nose slowly for four seconds. Hold for seven. Exhale through your mouth for eight.

Meditating - goes well with the breathing, but most people don't really know how to meditate. You have to put something in your mind, some image or thought. It should be a neutral image. Something calming but not emotional. Plants work well for me. Trees, blades of grass. Clouds, sometimes. And then spend all of your energy thinking about that item.

Self-awareness exercises - these are a type of meditation that uses awareness of ones own self as the focal point. Lay down, and focus your thoughts on a part of your body. I usually start at my toes. Think about how they feel. Wiggle them. Feel the sensation of the socks you are wearing or the shoes, or the air if you are barefoot. Start there and work your way around to the rest of your body.

I have sympathy for everyone who has to go through such things. When your own thoughts and your own body seem to betray you, it can be a terrible thing. Hope to all.