SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok so. This is pretty much just a vent session but any advice is welcome.

Almost 3 months ago now, my H and I had a fight. He owns his own business but had taken the day off and called me at work to see what we were doing with the kids when I got out. It was the end of the school year so I was planning on cleaning my classroom so I told him he had them for the afternoon. He was annoyed because he needed to go into work. I obv got mad at that and when I got home I told him all he cared about was work and that he should just stay out for the night because I didn't want to deal with him. (Probably one of two big fights we have ever been in). Well this apparently made him snap and he never came home after that. He was in an out the following week and then packed a bag and hasn't been home since. I then later found out he had been having an EA with a woman while he was still living with me.

So today I was at a family party. One of my cousins is married to a friend of ours from high school. Apparently they have known my H hasn't been living with us for a while now because someone told them. The husband of my cousin is friends with my H and went right to him when he heard this. My H confirmed that he was not living with us but also told him that I had told him not to come back. That we had been having a lot of problems in our marriage and he was told to leave for good.

This infuriates me. 1. I had no idea we had "marital problems". Yes we argued but enough for him to leave? No way. 2. I never told him to leave for good. I simply told him to stay out for the night. 3. How DARE he demonize me! He was the one having an affair while he was still at home.

How can a person think this way? I get there are two sides to every story but man our sides are not even in the same book. So now what am I suppose to do, go around and tell my side of the story? No I really don't have time for that. But I do not want to look like the bad guy here. I didnt even know he was unhappy or cheating or wanting out. He didnt make one effort to fix things. Not one effort to communicate ANYTHING! But nope, I look like the nagging b*tch who threw her husband out.

So so so angry. But so depressed because I still want to fix my marriage. I don't know how to make him see his thinking is screwed up. He clearly is rewriting history to justify his actions of the affair.

I saw someone's post about their husband saying to them, if I really loved you how could I do this to you. I honestly think that is what my H is thinking. He thinks he must not love me because of what he did. So instead he looks for all the reasons to make himself look ok in his own mind.

I am doing NC as much as possible given we have kids. I reeaaallly just want him to wake up and smell the friggen roses already. But unfortunately it sounds like it will never happen. And that depresses me!

Bump

I think that was the crazyest time for me when WH was telling everyone lies. I tried to talk to a couple of people and they wouldn't believe me! I should have gotten some type of evidence before I talked to anyone. I did contact his family and set them straight on what really happened.

Craziest thing is the Husband of the OW doesn't believe me!!! He works out of town.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are not alone on all the confusion.

Get with people who know and love you, believe your side of the situation, and post here often.

Almost everyone now believes me (18months out) and they think he is a total jerk for lying to them on top of cheating on his family.

My EX tried telling people we had agreed to split and it was amicable. I was so angry I told anyone and everyone - even the girl on the cash at the grocery store ( who I didn't even know) the whole truth.

In the end the truth comes out one way or another. Ususally they rewrite history and start believing it and feel justified to trot out the OW at social gatherings.

I think I am more upset that HE actually thinks all of that. I really don't care what other people think its the fact that he thinks of me and our relationship that way. It is so delusional.

Do they ever realize that it wasnt what they are thinking now? Because 4 months ago he did not think of our relationship negatively.

Mine thinks it's true - 9 years later. It's a self validating thing, fed by guilt.

But you do get to a stage where you just don't care any more. My biggest button is if I am accused of something I didn't do. So it was hard to go through the demonizing stage.

But you get stronger with time and YOU know the truth. He, on the other, hand must cling to his beliefs in order to justify his miserable life.

You know - I'd recommend having a well thought out prepared response for surprises like this.

Now you know about history rewrite -

One prepared response might be:

Oh my! Is that what he told you? I'd read about this happening, where they completely lose touch with reality and rewrite the facts to suit their behavior when they're cheating. But somehow I didn't think he could get so far from the truth...

And then wait for them to ask for the real facts. Or tell them straight up - I kicked him out because he wouldn't git rid of his side-piece.

My biggest button is if I am accused of something I didn't do.

I believe this is pretty much universal,

so how do you get to not caring anymore (quicker)?

Focus on you - you know the truth. Understand, you can't fix him, just yourself.

My WS has been accused of telling people all kinds of different stories.

Of course, he denies all of them.

Whenever people confront me with these things I just look at them with a crazy face and say "Oh, is that what he told you? Well, he's a known liar."

I've been very lucky that in this small town the truth is fairly obvious to almost everyone. In the circles we run in, he's kind of been pushed out. Unfortunate for him, right?

I had one person who is just an acquaintance tell me "I am on team mpl!".

This is someone who has heard a lot of rumors and knows the score, even though I've never told them one bit of information.

In the end, I try to keep my nose clean and just rise above it.

As far as what he himself believes-he's just telling himself that to rationalize his idiotic behavior and telling everyone else because he doesn't believe it himself yet.

Just think about the level of maturity involved here and know you're the better person.

if you told him to leave for the night and he has moved out, I think it is more then an EA and with him staying away says a lot about him not wanting his marriage.

Could be more than an EA contact with the OW stopped shortly after he left. Except for the other day when she texted him that I had texted her.

He has said he doesn't want the marriage. But I don't know why. He seemed happy before. We were good. We went on dates we went away all winter. Etc. he just says he feels differently about our relationship.

There could of been more than an EA but all communication stopped with that particular woman and I have no other proof.

Tiger, its pretty common they rewrite history or twist what you say. A little tmi, but one time I referred to wh's "business" as his "little guy" and he started accusing me of saying his manhood was small=another excuse to cheat.

Rewriting makes them feel less guilty and/or appear less of a bastard about wbat they did to you (or bitch if a ww). I know it sucks to have lies said about you but at some point its pointless to try and clean up their spills.

I would talk to your cousin. Tell her the truth and then continue 180/NC with wh. I know it hurts but its for YOUR sanity.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 8:02 PM, September 8th (Sunday)]