So, I've been kinda pissy lately. Don't know if it's PMS, perimenopause ( really? 
like it's not bad enough to have one, but both? my ovaries, they disappoint me), sun spots or I'm just over due for a fit.
Today it all culminated in a perfect storm.
Woke up, went down stairs to get my coffee. The electricity must have flickered over night, cause the time was flashing 12:00 and the auto maker had not gone off. Fine. Make coffee.
Get my cup and head upstairs. About half way up, I notice what I thought was a piece of mulch on the vertical riser on one of the middle steps. As I got closer (it's dark, but we have lights alone the stair way), I suddenly realize that it's not mulch, but a fucking praying mantis 
. The one bug I fear. I mean genuinely fear. If I had to choose between touching a praying mantis and death.. well hello hell, where's my seat?
I scream. I backpedal. I fall backwards down the stairs.
In a pile, I start yelling for the boys. Thank God they were still home otherwise I would have had to call in sick to work and make up an elaborate lie. I don't think "praying mantis" is on the check list for reasonable paid time off.
DS16 comes barreling out of his room and starts speaking to me in Spanish. Oh, did I forget to mention that this is his latest way to irritate me... speaking to me only in Spanish. I pick out a few words: loco, madre, que, comico... I'm too traumatized to even yell at him.
DS15 comes out and starts down the stair to help me. In doing so, the praying mantis must feel threatened, and rears back on his hind legs and poses his front legs in a boxer pose. I swear. DS15 sits next to me on the riser and pats me on the head 
, laughing hysterically while I try to explain wth is going on.
Several minutes later, I gather myself and threaten to make their lives a living hell if they don't stop laughing and GET. RID. OF. THE. MONSTER.
Oh, suddenly it's not so funny when they have to deal with this leggy sticky thing.
DS16 must have finally gotten the seriousness of the situation and gently scoops it up (while whispering something to it in Spanish.. I know he was talking about me) and takes it outside and sets it free.
Now they're late for school. It's my fault. I have to call the school and explain. *Note to self: avoid the school secretary at all costs in the future. I'm sure I've got "praying mantis lady" in red ink next to my name on the contact form at school now.
Go to work and a kindergartener tell me, out of the blue "I hope you fall in some fecal matter" . Wait, you can't spell you own name, but you have the vocabulary skills to know "fecal matter"?
Go to lunch and have a 5 minute argument with the sonic employee that can't understand that I don't want the happy hour 1/2 price drink because I have a FREE coupon. "we can't do 1/2 price on a free drink" 
.
Back at school and
in the hall, the school nurse offhandedly tells me that one of my charges (who is a hugger) just went home with head lice, better come and in and get checked 
. Lovely.
Go home and lo and fucking behold, there, on my front step is......the damned praying mantis.
Wine at 4pm anyone?
