I have been working so hard on understanding, examining everything. I have been trying to deeply understand myself and my motivations for my behavior and actions.
7 years ago I did something that hurt h deeply.
I had always been self employed and also I was responsible for paying our bills. My business started to fail, more going out than coming in. I didn't share with him how tight things were becoming, I just kept trying to make it work, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. We were falling behind every month, incurring debt. We had never had debt besides our mortgage. I chose to try to handle it, "fix" it on my own, I chose not to tell him what was happening in his life.
He found out, of course, his dday. He was angry of course, but I believe he was also hurt. He felt betrayed. He felt blindsided.
I felt horrible, so ashamed. Did I know what I was doing was wrong? Of course I did. Did I do it to hurt him? No, not at all.
What did I do to try to make up for it? To atone for my sin? Not the right thing for him.
I tried to apologize, he did not want to hear it, he was angry and rightfully so. I backed off, it is hard to apologize to someone that is angry at you. I took it upon myself to try to atone for my sin in the way that I thought was right. I didn't talk to him about it or ask "what would help you?" " what can I do to make this up to you?". We didn't talk about it, rugsweeping, I continued to feel shame and everytime he became angry, I would just take his anger, feel that I deserved it.
I found a job. Worked like a dog, worked overtime every week, tried to take on as many responsibilities/chores at home as I could. Physically the job was too hard for me, did damage to me physically, I thought that I deserved the punishment. I spent no unnecessary money, bought my clothes at thrift stores, did without. Always asked permission before buying anything.
Were there contributing factors to why I lied? Yes. The state of our marriage was difficult. He had angry outbursts over things that were not real, I felt I was always walking on eggshells.
That is not a real reason to lie. I lied to protect myself. I lied because I was afraid he would be angry and not love me anymore (fear of abandonment), I lied because I was ashamed, I lied because that is how I learned to survive in an abusive childhood (foo issues), I lied because I thought that I had to be perfect, could not make a mistake (foo, imperfection = loss of love or abuse). I chose to continue my destructive behavior and not recognize or try to change them (at the time I could not see this).
I tried to atone. Why did it not work? Because I did what I thought was right and never asked him what he needed. I worked so hard to make up for what I did and he never "saw" it because we never discussed it. I was making all these efforts and they were going unnoticed.
Last night, I sat h down and told him that I needed to tell him something. I apologized from the heart. I took responsibility for my actions and I told him about the ways that I tried to atone. I promised to never keep a secret from him again and I tried to empathize with his feelings at the time. I explained to him my "whys" without putting the blame on his behavior or the problems in our marriage. He forgave me, told me that he now understands how difficult it was for me and how I could do something like that. He understands that I did not do it to hurt him.
All of this made me think about what he often says to me now, when I ask for more effort, "what about all I am doing?" I wondered, maybe he is doing things that I just don't "see".
I asked him about this, what are you doing, after explaining my theory. He actually is doing things that I didn't recognize. I didn't recognize them because that is not what I wanted, just like what I did was not what he wanted.
Once he told me what he is doing it meant something to me, it is important, very important! Because we didn't talk about it before, because he didn't tell me what he was doing, I just did not see it. One thing he is doing is working very hard. This was an issue, a bid issue pre-a. He is working so hard to make this part right and I failed to recognize it. Now that we have talked about it, now that I "see" it, I appreciate it so much! Talk, talk, talk! Communicate! Such a simple concept but so very complicated.
This really helped us to understand each other a little more. It helped him to see that by doing what he thinks is important and not what I think is important how it doesn't have the desired result. We both learned that by not talking more effectively, the wrong messages are sent. He learned that by doing what he thinks is important and disregarding what I think is important, the message he sends is "I don't care". I learned to ask, "please tell me the things that you are doing, that you think are important". It actually seemed to break down a huge wall between us.
He actually read, on his own last night. Something that I have been asking for. He now understands that it is important to do what I need because that is what touches me. I need to step back and recognize the things he does that I don't ask for.
This pain can be blinding. The insecurity, the need for proof is overwhelming. It is hard to get outside your own head to see what is really happening. It is so easy to focus on the negative.
I was at the very bottom of this rollercoaster yesterday. In the mindset of "if I don't care then I won't hurt, detach, detach, detach". My goal is to try to stay on an even keel. No great dips or extreme highs. I would like to change rides, maybe go-carts? That is the goal but I know it is somewhat to much to expect during these times.
Our past was pretty bad, there were good times but we never would have lasted, our present is hell, so much to learn, so much pain to overcome, but maybe, just maybe there is hope of a better life together than we have yet imagined.
Sorry this is so long, it helps to put this out into the world.
Thank you for reading. Maybe this will help someone else to "see".
