SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the eyes of our society, older women are in fact, less valuable.

Men value looks a lot more than women, and women tend to value money more than looks. Therefore, a man’s value is directly affected by his earning power and a woman's value by her looks.

As women age, their value drops in comparison to young ones because their looks are fading. Men's value increases because they earn and save more as they age, so their value in comparison to young men is higher

I feel like I was robbed. He took my youth and support (I put him through school so he earns good$ now). I went part – time because he said he had too much stress working and helping with our three kids when they were little. So I did 99% of the childcare and housework. Now I am laid-off, my kids are grown and all doing their own thing and just feel so old and ugly and desperately lonely.

I tried the OLD thing mostly way older men seem interested and I have no attraction what so ever to them. Or they are just losers looking to hook-up, which I am not interested in at all. (I don’t go to bars, and live in a rural isolated area). I am not overweight or unattractive.

Cheater just filed for divorce and left (over 2 yrs. ago) but does nothing to get the divorce proceeding going. He doesn’t want to lose the right to come on our property to hunt and is probably hoping I will die so nothing is split. (my DS and I live in the marital home). So essentially still having his cake, and oh, his MOW doesn’t care that he is married, (she has not left her M) but most guys see my separated status and want no parts. So I got f’ed all around. I feel every good thing I did in my life for my H was a big joke, he was just using me.

I don’t have the money to push the divorce. I only get a little bit of CS and alimony.

I just finished an associate degree and have to pass a board exam. But to be honest, I really don’t care about it or anything. Just don’t give a shit. Oh, I used to care a lot, about everything, my family, my hus band and kids and taking care of our home and my job. For what????

The re-write and blame shifting and outright lies have damaged me immensely, I know that’s what he wanted to do because I told the kids about his MOW. He kept telling them I was crazy. He actually wrote a letter to his family and said I forced him to go to nursing school, only married him so he would work on my parents farm (he was unemployed for the first 3 yrs. we were married) and so many outright blatantly hurtful lies. He didn’t even own a car when I met him, now he has property, money and good job and a much younger gf who married a much older wealthy man and will take away a lot in her D (or they are waiting for him to die so she ges it all).

I hate myself; my life and so many times wish I would just drop off the face of the earth. But I don’t want to hurt my kids. This is not normal for me at all. I used to be outgoing, hard-working and took good care of myself and family. Tried the anti -depressant route, just made me want to sleep. I don’t ever see myself finding another man to love who loves me. At this age, it’s about old guys looking for someone to take care of them or a younger trophy to show off. No I’m not bitter, just realistic. I never wanted to be alone; I gave my cheater a second chance after the first time he cheated (2001) only to be backstabbed yet again, 11 yrs later. I hate that I listened to his lies that he would never do it again, blah, blah, and that I should have D when I was in my early 40’s, I might have had a chance of meeting s good man to grow old with. Now I just see old men who feel entitled to want younger women. If they have anything going for them, (looks, health, fit, earnings) they focus on dating younger women.

I feel like an old shoe that is worn out and thrown away. I have a huge gaping hole in my heart and spirit, a walking zombie, that tries to carry on. I recovered from this shit the first time, this is not my first rodeo as they say, I know now I do not have the strength and resilience of youth to recover this time.

Sorry to be such a downer. Sometimes the happy ending for the BS just does not happen.

[This message edited by shiloe at 9:39 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

((((shi))))

I hope the wise women will come along and tell you wise things. I'm bumping your thread so they'll come see it.

In the meantime, hugs. I know so many of us feel like we have been robbed of our purpose and worth. I absolutely do, and I still cry every day for all I lost, and becuase I can still remember the old me that didn't even know I could be robbed of those things. That is our ultimate fight, I think: to reclaim our personal purpose through love for ourself. Do it for ourselves only, and not for anyone else.

I wonder that myself sometimes. Then I look at the affirmations I have posted all over my house and feel a little better.

Then I pray.

(Not necessarily in that order.)

Shiloe, I just want to cry reading your post as I feel almost exactly the same way. Nothing to look forward to anymore. My life is such a grind with a job I hate, taking care of my disabled adult son and getting up every day to do it all over again. I try to get out and meet people but really don't enjoy it much.

Hope you find a way to find some joy again.

Oh Hon,

I'm 54. DDay was just a couple of weeks before my 51st birthday (happy birthday to me!) I too thought to myself that I wished that the D had happened when I still had a snowball's chance in hell of meeting someone. I too thought that I had nothing to offer.Then I healed! And what did it for me was that four letter word TIME.

What you will discover as the hurt begins to subside is that you are resilient and can come through the shit storm that is divorce intact. I have discovered that I am not willing to accept less than I deserve. If that means I don't have a partner, well, it just means that I don't have a partner. That does not mean that I can't have a full life. I am three years out and have chosen not to be in any relationship except the one with my kids, my parents, my siblings and my friends.

You will soon discover that a SO doesn't complete you but complements you. And you will also discover that anyone who just wants arm candy or a tight tush isn't worth their weight in salt and certainly isn't worth your attention.

((Hugs))

Shiloe: cdagal has given you good advice. It does take time.

But, I do feel exactly the way you feel. I was literally robbed of everything in my M, including my life savings and the house. We feel old and used up and almost too old to start over.

But we have to keep going. Keep doing things that you like and try to do new things if you can. Also, I would go for consults with some different lawyers and see if there is a way you can D your WH. Perhaps he would be willing if you did give him the right to hunt on the land even after a D?

Older women are not less valuable. We have wisdom and experience that we can share with others. Forget about finding another guy right now. Focus on you and what makes you happy. I truly understand the feeling of not having a partner, but when I really think about it, I never really had a true partnership with WH, but for years existed on crumbs.

Now is the time for YOU.

You may also want to think about joining a Separated/Divorced group that may help you process this time.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Why does he not have to pay you more support if he is doing so well?

I would get a lawyer and get the ball rolling, fight back and consider selling the house and moving somewhere that doesn't have any bad memories.

I've moved 5 times in as many years, downsized and never looked back.

I've also accepted that I'll be alone, and I'm OK with that. Once you turn off those thoughts of trying to partner up, your load will lighten and you'll find your self-worth again.

Who cares if older women aren't visible? I think we have been fed that load of hogwash by the media. You have been successfully brainwashed, so snap out of it already! (Said with a smile...)

Find your bitch boots and get your divorce from that arsehole.

Congrats on your degree.

(((Shiloe)))

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:44 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

I agree with the good advice you've already been given. But I would also add that you need to keep looking at ADs - one size does not fit all. I have been on ADs since before my D and I had to try several before I found the one that worked with my body chemistry.

Forget finding a partner and start exploring the parts of your life that you never considered when you were taking care of everyone else.

I got my motorcycle license at age 50 and now ride my own motorcycle. It has opened up a whole new world for me. My kids aren't crazy about it because they worry about my safety. But I just tell them that I've been careful and taken good care of everyone my whole life and now I am living exactly the way I want to and not worrying about what anyone else thinks.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Hugs.

First off, you--and all of us are more than what society says. Do not let those people whoever those people are define you.

Youth does not equal beauty. That is a lie that has been forced on us, and we have internalized it. The same way we internalize the way men see us F that. Seriously .

And. It's not fair what happened to you. Please try to take time to find things in life that bring you joy. You might be surprised. I am completely into something I never in a bazillion years would have imagined... All because of an acquaintance reached out to me one day. You just never know . And it's still been hard. But there have been good things too.

I sometimes don't care about anything...

Then I remember I am raising my granddaughter the best I can.

I am not throught the D process yet, but hope to be very soon.

STBXH is being an ass, as expected.

I just want PEACE and to know that I can do this. I pray every day.

I understand completely. I don't care about anything except my children. You are not much older than me, and I also feel that I have been robbed of my youth, my life savings, and what was supposed to be my future. I am starting over at almost 50. But I am totally okay with not having a partner ever again. Every decision I make is based on my kids, and how it might help them now or in the future. Most of my family is now gone and I have almost no friends due to past betrayals. I simply don't trust anyone. Even though I don't care if I get taken out by a bus tomorrow, that doesn't stop me from doing things I personally enjoy doing. I find moments of joy day to day. That is enough for me. If it gets better in time, so be it. If not, that's okay too. I will keep putting one foot in front of another for my kids' sakes, but I don't dwell on the sucky aspects of my life like living paycheck to paycheck.

Find your moments of personal joy and smile and enjoy them.

I'm 51, own my own home outright, have a decent income, retired etc. I don't have many women knocking down my door. So its not just you ladies who feel the pinch of age. But when all things are considered, I feel my life is so much more fulfilling. I no longer have that aura of tension in my life. I wake up each morning and thank God I'm where I am today. When I first left my XWW I journeyed through the feelings of loneliness and worthlessness. I wandered around with the feeling I needed another woman in my life to make me whole. Boy was I wrong. All the whacko's, gold diggers, cheaters, drunks came out of the woodwork. And I think I dated each one. I was more miserable than before. I took a year off from dating to find myself again. And I did just that. I've tried dating on my terms but so far no luck. And I'm OK with that. One day if love comes along that would be great. If not ? Well, that would be fine too. I'm much happier since my D. I know who I am and I like me.

I'd like to add that during my time off from dating I saw an IC weekly, got on the right A/D's after months of trying a few different ones. Meds combined with therapy really helped me overcome the depression that being on my own caused. It honestly helped me see things in a much different light. And best of all I was able for the first time in many years to have a clear head. A clean slate is always a great start. I suggest you do the same. Peace to you my friend. Life does not change unless YOU change it.

Hi Shiloe and everyone,

I feel this too and some part of me feels that it's depression setting in for a long winter's nap.

Other parts of me feel that if one person can give up an entire life and family, why should I keep fighting to care? Because they are my children too, that's why. Because it was a lifetime that took 20 years to build and this whore zooms in and in five months steals away a father and husband and does her manipulating, while he manipulates her and a family is left on a mountain to suffer alone.

We don't have to fall into these roles, Shiloe, for society or our x's. Xpervert's done what your X has only it was me that filed. He's now holding up the process and living with his whore while shorting us money and making bills late. The Xs do strange things when they "break out" of their marriages and search for their new life. I think they don't often realize the affects of their actions still touch us in some ways.

I think XPervert is doing like you do and trying to keep access to the house and see if he can learn what's going on with us. For some reason he also keeps in touch with our friends in town-we live very rurally-and I don't like that.

Like you, I'm working on education (when I can spare the money) and it was an anchor for me when he left and a restoration of self pride.

The thing is, Shiloe, we're still people. We were people before we met these men who came into our lives and tried to destroy us. But there are things to live for that don't include a man, believe it or not. A man's love is a very special thing, but taking a break from it and learning our values for ourselves is ok, too.

For yourself. Taking care of your house and belongings and getting back to education and work is for you. You have importance to the world, believe it or not and I do to. My marriage sounds a little like yours, where it was all of me and I lived for it and now it's gone and I've accepted that. It took me a whole year's time to detach from being a married person, which was my identity.

Now I need a new identity. Now I need new dreams and to think of me, which I never did before. It's very strange and feels selfish, but several IC said it's not. It's survival now.

Hobbies don't work for me right now but the classes, how I love the classes and the feeling of completion at the end. Bravo for you on finishing! It's a long road, including an AA degree. I'm doing that myself, as I said.

One of those identities is "mom." But that, too, is living for other people. We need to figure out living for ourselves now. And my happiness partly comes from within, FWIW, from my accomplishments and lack of failures...one of those is every time I have success at any task, I consider it a win and it becomes a pride-and a feeling that X and OW didn't beat me down to the ground yet.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 6:35 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Hi, shiloe,

I am sorry you are feeling so despondent. All I wanted to contribute is this:

As I was reading your post--specifically the "age issue"--I was assuming, "OK, maybe she is in her sixties" (no offense to anyone in her sixties), but at the end I saw your age as only 53!

Let me tell you: I am 46, handsome (I'm just mentioning this to make my point), fit, financially secure--and have zero interest in younger women.

When I begin dating again I will specifically be looking for someone around my age (whatever that age may be when the time comes) and who meets three crucial criteria: she is kind. She is loyal. She loves me.

We are out there, Shiloe. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your husband is a fool and a cruel man. The majority of us are not. Just look around this site any you know this to be true. :-)

Shiloe, WOW!!! You summed up perfectly how I feel too, except the gender role is reversed.

I went through this infidelity bs with the ex before too, in 2004. Not only did I get the promises this would never happen again, she actually wrote me a 'contract' stating the same!!! (turns out it is pretty much worthless anyways....L had a chuckle when I showed it to him)

I have a debilitating health issue that has worsened considerably since 2004. You ever see those little old ladies that are hunched over and need a cane or a walker? Well, that's kind of me now....but at 40!

My ex is 7 yrs older than me. I never let that bother me although I know it concerned her sometimes. In my 20's I was a really good looking guy, made good money, and I was exciting to be around. I try to not give to many details so that people will figure out who I am so I'm hesitant to even mention that I was a race car driver...but I travelled a lot, was successful at what I did, and most of all....I was very loyal to my ex despite having many opportunities to cheat on her. Then even after 2004 I still remained faithful, believing that her indiscretion was a one-time human mistake.

I'm now 3 months divorced, and she's been gone 1 1/2 years. I have my kids almost 60% of the time and the rest of the time I stay locked up in my home basically doing nothing, waiting for my kids to be back. I don't have any friends or family nearby and because we live in a small, rural community, I hate going out. My ex ran a smear campaign about me right after DDay that makes me feel unwanted and like a monster here....and although I've been finding out that many people see through her bs and I actually have many sympathizers and even people that like me, it's just hard to shake the feeling that people see me and think "there's that evil, evil man".

I feel used and then tossed away like a piece of garbage. I've thought many, many times why didn't she let me go in 2004. Or before. When I was good looking, making good money, and an exciting guy to be with, I was far more confident and so easily could have moved on. I feel like I was loyal to her and gave her the best years of my life and as soon as they were used up, I was tossed away. There's nothing left to market now....who's gonna want a disabled 40 yr old part-time single father on a small disability pension with a bad (but untrue) reputation?

I get what you're saying and how you feel Shiloe. I'm a heavy smoker and like all smokers, sometimes wonder if todays cough is different, and the first sign that I smoked 1 to many cigarettes. Then I realize I don't care anyways, so what does it matter? I seem to live for my children only and I do my best to be happy around them and to be the best dad I can be for them and I do love them more than anything I ever thought possible....but I also listen to their stories about how much fun they had at Mom's and lately even with OM and I tell them I'm glad for them and I act interested and never show them the inner rage I have about the complete unfairness of it all....it's not their fault so why drag them into this...instead I want them to be happy and they seem to be for the most part....but it also shows me that if something happened to me they do have another home and life where they can live and still be happy. I know they'd be hurt if I was gone but it wouldn't be the end of the world for them if you know what I mean.

I'm not suicidal so don't take it that way....it's just that I don't think I'd be nearly upset as I would have been years ago if I suddenly found out I was terminal I guess. I kind of think you get what I mean Shiloe.

I don't miss the ex anymore....I realize I miss companionship. I miss the love I thought I had from another person, a loving wife. I miss loving someone. I miss sharing my life with someone. I miss sharing all my hopes and dreams with someone and having that someone who had many of my own hopes and dreams. I've even realized that if by some miracle I met the perfect someone, we won't have the history the ex and I did. This new person won't love my kids the way I do....they won't remember all the fun, silly things that happened in years past or the trials and tribulations we experienced.

But that's all very presumptuous...how could I even find this ideal woman who could look past my physical problems, accept my kids and I, and also accept having to deal with my ex (who I very much suspect will purposefully cause as many problems as she could!)? If woman value men for money, I don't have any and I don't have the ability to earn a lot through hard work anymore....like I used to. I should state that I'm not destitute....I do have a house (mortgage), a nice truck, and we aren't starving...I don't have to resort to a food bank or anything....but we won't be planning a trip to Disneyland or anything either. I get by, and that's all, and that's all it will be for my future from now on too.

I've thought about what you wrote many times, and it just feels so much like I've been robbed. If my ex had of just done this before my health took a nosedive, or she chose to leave with OM #1 when I still had a chance, I could maybe have found someone who really meant it when they said "in sickness and health". I meant it when I said that. If this was the other way around, I'd support her, be loyal to her, I would have stayed no matter what for her. I loved her. I would never, ever, no matter what toss her away like a piece of garbage as soon as I felt she was all used up.

I'm sorry Shiloe for the t/j. I guess I'm not offering anything to help you other than to just let you know that you're not the only one feeling this way...and it's not just woman either. I'd love to read someday on here that things have turned around for you and completely unexpectedly you met someone who changed your whole outlook on life and makes you happier than you ever thought you could be....and I hope I do read that about you! Or even a post someday that you learned you didn't need another person and found a way to be completely happy on your own. Until then, I think we both just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and let time do it's thing. Every once in awhile I read a story about someone who's life was changed in such a profound way that they never saw coming and I kind of hang on to that, hoping that maybe that will be me one day, and now I hope that for you too Shiloe. All the best

ETA: When I read this back I realized my comment about being a race car driver could be construed as me hinting that I'm someone famous. I'm not. Far from it! Sorry! I'm just somewhat know in a regional area and worry about old friends, family, etc. figuring out who I am

[This message edited by pjkmkjm23 at 3:21 AM, October 14th (Monday)]