SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Friends,

I have a very serious question here. I guess I am a little lost and really need help.

A little backgrund story. My parents have been married for almost 50 years. My father loved my mother with all his heart BUT he openly cheated on her all his life. My mother didn't care much. She said at first it hurt but she soon figured out that she loves him and he loves her and those other women were just whores on the side. She compared him cheating on her like a man needing to go mow the lawn from time to time. -Seriously!

Now these are both well educated people. We did not have domestic violence and all that. But it hurt me as child. I didn't like the fact that he sent his gf and his wife (my mother) to America to visit me!

I digress...

This is NOT about their relationship

Basically it never gave me a clear understanding of what is acceptable in a relatinship or not!

I read all these heartbreaking stories here of us being cheated on. Now I am asking how ARE relationships suppose to feel like?

I truly don't know. I am a realist so I don't think it's about butterfies and unicorns but seriously?!

I am totally lost!

Let me ask you...if you are dating a guy would you keep him if you love him but you are always "worried" that he just might go back and sneak to his ex b/c she is always ready to fuck him

Please help!

What are your boundries for a relationship? I guess I am not even sure how to ask what I am trying to figure out. My IC is not helping. She just keeps saying "well, what do YOU think?" Ugh!

PLEASE HELP! I AM DESPARATE!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 11:11 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

I think it comes down to what you value in life, and by extension, a relationship. The infidelity thing just didn’t work for me; it never would have because I value honesty and commitment. It didn’t matter if he was a good provider, or attractive, or we had a lot of shared interest, because I would always be questioning everything and waiting for the other shoe to drop. That didn't feel like love.

I’ve met a fair share of people who don’t prioritize fidelity. They might prefer it, but when they throw out all the other things they value in life, it’s just so far down on the rankings they can look past it. It’s unfathomable to me, but if it works for them, if they still feel love, that is their decision.

You make your own decisions about what you value. Don’t change your values to match your parents’, friends’, or partner’s. When you feel your core values match, when you aren’t constantly questioning, that is when you can confidently say you love and feel loved.

[This message edited by Crescita at 10:53 AM, October 11th (Friday)]

Basically it never gave me a clear understanding of what is acceptable in a relatinship or not!

My IC is not helping. She just keeps saying "well, what do YOU think?"

I think your IC is right, actually. What is acceptable in YOUR relationship is what is acceptable to YOU. It is easier said than done, but if your partner or potential partner is doing something that is unacceptable to you, then it just is, and that's grounds for the relationship to be over. As I said, easier said than done...

There are some people who accept being cheated on. That's a fact. There are some people who accept all sorts of things in a relationship that someone else wouldn't accept. Outsiders may not understand, but those inside those relationships might have their reasons.

What it comes down to is, your relationship should be what you and your partner are comfortable with, nobody else.

I want my relationship to be a life-long friendship that has phases of incredible lust and sometimes just companionship. I want someone to care about my welfare, to always have my back and to be honest with me.

I thought I had that with XWH, but he chose to cheat, lie to me, and divorce me. It was a devastating blow after 26 years together. But I still believe my vision of love is possible.

Eight years later I am living with my SO. It's not perfect, but I feel like I have those qualities with him.

BTW - my father cheated on my mother - she didn't like it or accept it, but she forgave it because she felt like she had no other choice. I feel like they had love/history/friendship as they were married for 46 years. But it wasn't something I wanted for myself.

NL

Love for me is something that I just know. I don't want to see anyone else, and I don't want him to see anyone else.

There is so much more to it, but that's the bottom line. Fidelity is the root of love for me.

Love and respect goes hand in hand. I think love is finding someone who makes you smile and if they hurt you understand why you are hurt and work through it. That could even apply to relationships that are not romantic.

I love my friends dearly - you should find that with the person you love but also the added attraction. It is meant to be something that feels safe and comfortable that you don't overly question it just is.

I don't know if that makes sense but I would start with your friends and your relationships with them.

[This message edited by fireproof at 9:34 AM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Love for me is something that I just know. I don't want to see anyone else, and I don't want him to see anyone else.

That is exactly how *I* felt, now I found out he has been cheating on me and I believed his lies...

What the hell is wrong with me?!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 2:18 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Love has a lot to do with feeling like you see their soul and want their best chance at fully expressing that and you also feel seen for who you are and supported in expressing your best self. The feeling of someone having your back. Kindness and consideration color your interactions.

.if you are dating a guy would you keep him if you love him but you are always "worried" that he just might go back and sneak to his ex b/c she is always ready to fuck him

That's 2 different things - love, and trust. If you get "worried" like this, then it's time to sit back and really listen to your gut. Because I'd suspect this person would be showing signs (red flags even) of being untrustworthy.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Your picker is broken, in large part I think because you're confused about what a real relationship is supposed to look like. It obviously wasn't modeled to you as a child.

Sweetie, I really think you need to stop dating and looking for a relationship for a while. You need to work on yourself. You need to learn to listen to your gut, and to not settle for less than who you are worthy of.

I suspect you let other, more material things, get in the way of seeing who the guy really is, because in some way you do the jump in your head to "this can be the one." Then you end up making excuses for them so they fit into the movie for the future playing in your head.

Your boundaries become really flexible, because you don't believe anyone would pay attention to them anyway.

That's not healthy.

I think it's not a problem of you not knowing what you want or desire, because you know what you are feeling. But it's a problem with you not knowing how to express it correctly and just say it. I think that's kind of what your IC is telling you.

It's not an IC's job too tell you what you want or need. Because everybody's wants, needs and acceptances (like your mother's) are different. Your mother had different boundaries she was willing to accept. I suspect yours are very different and it's causing you conflict in comparison to your mother's.

It is different for everyone. Some people can accept infidelity and some cannot. Love is a sticky issue. The only thing that really matters is how YOU feel and what YOU want.

I will tell you one thing though that I truly believe...if someone truly loves you, then they will do everything in their power to avoid hurting you.

That is exactly how *I* felt, now I found out he has been cheating on me and I believed his lies...

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry. Obviously this has hurt you a great deal. There are a lot of questions that need to be answered here and they are the same ones you had to answer the first time this happened to you. How remorseful is he? What is the chance it will happen again? How vested are you in this relationship? Do you think you will ever be able to fully trust again? What is he willing to do to make amends? How long have you been together?

For me, love shouldn't hurt this much. There are obviously going to be disagreements and arguments. People are imperfect. But the guy I am seeing now...I set the boundaries before we even started dating. He already knew infidelity is a deal breaker for me. So for me, if he truly loves me and values our relationship, he won't cheat. He will figure out other ways to get his needs met and hopefully talking to me about them will be his first choice (we work hard on the communication stuff). I can't deal with someone I can't trust. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.

But you have to make your own boundaries and figure out what you value most.

NA,

he is not remorseful at all. Matter of fact he is blaming "women" for being so damn difficult! He says I am his MAIN one and the other one is nothing really. He says he needs to figure out if he really wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He feels like he has the right to go out and sample what else is out there, so he can make sure I am what he wants.

This is so wrong on so many levels...

I don't care what it is supposed to feel like for others. I do think I got some of my early ideas from romance novels and fairy tales like Cinderella, certainly not from watching my own parents. (They hated each other and I never saw an ounce of affection between them, ever).

But my childhood ideals remain with me today. I am also a realist and my relationship with my H did in fact start with infatuation (a very high and wonderful feeling, which I refuse to call butterflies and unicorns since that has unnecessarily negative connotations about something I found to be very positive and I will always cherish those memories).

In spite of it starting with infatuation, we have made it through many ups and downs and are closer than ever after more than 18 years of M.

But I am a very selfish woman when it comes to love and I don't share. We made it through that one awful year but he has a strong understanding that if he ever does anything close to crossing a line to cheating again, I will divorce him at record speed. And if even if he didn't really understand that, I'd still D him. I will be the only woman for him and there are no other options.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 11:36 AM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Bobbi_sue, you give me so much hope!

I keep blaming myself for not being able to stick it out or for jumping ship b/c he cheats. This is not an isolated incident either! Apparantly, when I was in the hospital w/ heart surgery, he slept with her. Last weekend, when we went to Austin (Sat night) for a fun alone time, he slept with her the previous night (Friday).

WTF?

Why am I blaming myself when HE is the one who cheated?!

I am hurt and confused...

ETA I just had an "aha!" moment.

I just read somewhere that he should have done what is "honorably and morally right" yet he didn't do that! HE KNEW he would hurt me. He knew it would crush my soul and yet he did it anyways...

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 3:15 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]