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Each day I realize more and more how poorly I treated my BW during the A and prior to it. She did everything for me and I just beat her down. How could I do this to someone like her? Everything was for my gain and her expense. The more I think of the years past I find examples of idiotic things I did or said. Things is wouldn't consider doing again. I've wrecked a wonderful and beautiful woman for my selfish gain.

Tell her, if you haven't already. Or even if you have. Those are healing words. I wish I would hear them from my.WH.

Peace to you, Sam.

It happens pretty regularly around here that something else is said or some memory comes up and I realize again how horribly I treated my BH and for how long I treated him that way. My Affair really was the cherry on the sundae of shitty things I did to him. The only reason he is still here is because he loves me. I'm thankful that I have another day to love him and to prove myself to him and to try to be worthy of him.

Yes, tell her. Tell her over and over. Tell her that you recognize how wonderful she is and you should have seen it before.

A little projecting here, sorry. Aching for this myself today.

I do know it would be healing.

Sam....what I wouldn't give to hear those words from my WH mouth, or better yet to have him write them in a beautiful card so I can read them again and again.

It sounds as if you are truly getting it. Good luck

Right there with you, Sam. My angel got the very worst I had in me.

And she chose to love, and believe in, and heal with me...even after all that. The gift of her love just keeps on giving. And showing me the luckiest day of my life was, and always will be, the day I first laid eyes on her.

Those are beautiful things to hear. Say them... A lot.

I know they help me when I hear them from mine.

I wish you peace and strength.

Sam...it took my fwh a year and a half from dday to realize that in our whole marriage he was emotionally abusive. He didn't yell at me or call me names, but he disengaged and treated me horribly just the same. He and I have had this conversation many times. Unfortunately, you can't do what we still somehow want...which is to undo it. So now you have to make your bs somehow feel like she is first when she has felt and still feels like second, third...last. not an easy task.

So, here are some things I've asked of my fwh...

1. If you tell her you will do something, do it. No excuses. If you are going to read a book and discuss it...do it. Don't make her feel like she has to nag you or she isn't worth the effort. This goes for all big and small things she may ask of you.

2. Have the courage to rock the boat. When things are going great, then tell her that looking at her and the kids kills you when you think of what you could have lost. Tell her you are thankful for the chnace to reconcile. Tell her these things when she is least expecting them...it makes us know that this shit is on your mind as much as hers.

3. Always remember that the words are important but if you don't back them up with the follow through actions, then it is just another reason to feel second best...and another missed opportunity to build trust.

4. Finally, you need to do and say these things all the time. You have to be consistent. If she really comes first, if you really want to make it work..tell her and SHOW her with your actions. Read something, learn something and share it with her without being asked. That shows her that you are taking the reigns in your own healing and will help her feel safe...and worth it. Show her she is worth more effort than anyone else on the planet.

Hoping you two can see your way through this.

Teach and I both read your post and her response is great advice. She asked me what I would say to you about and hour or so ago and I really don't know if I can add anything to what everyone has said.

Teach is right it took a long time for me to see what kind of person I was. Abusive is the only way I can describe it. I didn't appreciate what a kind and wonderful woman I had as a partner. The saying goes " you don't know what you got till its gone.". Its true. I may not have as lost Teach but I know I never really acted I had her. I never ackknowledged her for the loving partner I had.

I know she deserves better. I'm working at being the partner she wants. I hope you continue to do the same.

It sounds like you lacked empathy for her in your "old" relationship. I have realized that I had lacked empathy as well. Maybe it would help to look into what led you to be that way. I know for me, my own emotional issues and anger toward my H blinded me from feeling the empathy that I was capable of.

I did some pretty horrible things. My BW had found some emails I send a friend where I would randomly bash her even when nothing in the email would lead up to it. I need to fully learn why I did this. She was nothing but wonderful to me and would do anything that I asked and even do things without asking. So why would I want to treat her like this? This is the biggest question I have to answer. If she was difficult with me during these times it was only because I was the same with her. I need to explore why I needed to be in control and make myself look better and her look horrible. With this I can explain everything else. I need to keep on pushing.

As for doing what she asks of me I need to with no questions or delays. I took today off work to look after our sick DD but for a second made it sound like I wasn't going to. I need to stop this and just do things without having to ask or suggest. I'm sure this will go a long way.

ITA tell her. The day my FWSO told me how sorry & was specific for what he was sorry, was the day I knew we had a great chance to make it.

To this day I think that may have been the single most important thing he did in this journey.