SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

im 35. have two great kids, and a WH

I always thought we would have 5 kids, and then when my baby was just a few months old, WH left with OW. that was 2009. Its taken this long to get back to a place where I feel like we might even actually have another kid.

WH was gone 1 year with OW, and then left her and we continued to be separated but going to therapy for 20 months.

(WH was undiagnosed bipolar, and addicted to prescription dugs at the time)

I have several issues-- I am not secure in R enough to have another kid, and my family who was there for me when WH went off the deep end would FLIP. (I think... maybe not)

We are still not financially stable (WH is bipolar, and went nuts spending, so we are trying to get back on budgets)

I don't know if wh really wants another, either.

But, I really want another, and am getting older... Im not saying NOW, but maybe try in 6 mos, a year...

Anyone BTDT...

I haven't BTDT myself however...

My mother had me at 36. My father was also bipolar, but it didn't really hit until he was about 42 or so. He COMPLETELY changed, it was really difficult for my mother. He went through all the money, started smoking weed, drinking, all of the stuff that goes along with being bipolar. She ended up taking my sister and I and leaving him for a few months.

I was too young to remember most of it, but I know that it changed their relationship forever. She was never really able to move past it.

If I were you, I would think long and hard about having another baby. You say you're not secure in R, not yet financially stable, and not sure if your WH wants a baby.

Even in the best of times a baby brings a lot of stress into a M. I totally understand the desire (I have 3 kiddos) but you have to consider every possibility. Can you care for 3 kids on your own? Are you prepared to do that?

Sorry if this sounded harsh, or brings you down, I didn't mean it that way. I just wanted to throw my opinion out there.

Dear Gottagetthrough,

I am in a similar situation. Although I am a guy, and obviously don't have the exact same issues as you, I have always desperately wanted to be a father someday. My WW and I waited for our careers to get off to a good start before trying to have kids but then DDay#1 came and it was put off again. I am at an age now that I either have to have children with my WW or give up the notion of being a father (I am too old now (48) to meet and settle down with anyone of child-bearing age.

I don't know if you are of any religious faith or not but at one of our MC sessions with the pastor of our church I brought up the topic and asked if I was selfish to want to have a child with all the current uncertainty of the marriage. My pastor responded by saying that there are no certainties in life and to deny yourself something that is very important to you may not be the best decision. He supported his argument by indicating that some couples that he counseled had denied themselves certain things due to the marital problems and eventually dissolved the marriage not because of the original problem (affair) but because later one or both of the couple could not forgive the other for the loss of that thing that they denied themselves and harbored deep resentment which eventually led to the downfall of the marriage.

IMHO, (and I am very sure that there will be a lot of negative feedback from various people who read this), I think if you have strong feelings to have another child then you should feel free to do so.

Gottagetthrough,

This is a tough one. I'm currently about to give birth to our 1st child in less than 3w but have been separated from my H for the past 2 months. While his most recent ONS didn't occur until after I was pregnant, we had been having problems in our marriage to the point I was looking for apartments before we started TTC. A part of me wonders now if it was a last ditch effort to try to save things and whether or not we made the right decision, especially since we had already waited 8 years before trying.

Don't get me wrong, I love this child already and don't think he is a mistake, but I have to be honest with myself and focus on whether or not I want to be in a relationship for me and not just so our son can be part of a nuclear family. I have made it very clear to my H that I refuse to return just so the baby can grow up in a 2 parent household, and I think that's finally starting to sink in as I see improvement in his behavior and involvement in our marriage. I guess what I'm trying to say it to make sure you're interested in this child for the right reasons; there's so much at stake and 35 is definitely not getting beyond the childbearing years. No matter what you decide I wish you the best.