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After a week of playing phone tag with an ic that I found on the imago website, I finally spoke to him on the phone. First, he has nothing available except 930 on mon mornings. That would only be possible every other week. Is 2x a month adequate?

Second, I explain that I was drawn to his practice bc I saw him on the imago website and I'm looking for a certain type of therapist that has an alternative approach to dealing with bs. I don't want the "something is wrong with the marriage" approach. He goes on the say that basically any councilor will only be able to encourage better communication so ws feels able to talk about his feelings with me prior to going outside the marriage. This make me so frustrated. We went to 5 years of couples therapy to get no where. We don't have a problem communicating. He likes the attention. If feel like its a him problem. I ending up just thanking the ic for his time and hanging up frustrated. Now I'm back to square 1, 2 weeks out from dd with no one to see.

Advice?

Yes, that's sort of the downside of therapy. MC's can't help a WS with the A shit b/c they'll focus on the two of you and it winds up being a "both people need to take responsibility" which has no place in a discussion about cheating.

Your WS has to go to an IC alone. And you have to hope that he's honest. If he is, then he'll have a chance at making progress. But again, if he comes home spouting nonsense like "my therapist said you just need to get over it" then ... you know what you're dealing with and it ain't remorse.

You otoh can find a therapist to help you detach from your WS. To find your inner strength. To figure out how to survive this whether he stays or goes.

(((momof3)))

Wh is going to ic. He's going to the woman we had both gone to. I'm fine with that. She was decent but she definitely did the typical "lets communicate better." I do think he's telling her the truth (or at very least the same truth he's told me). He has actually come home with some things that are right out of a therapist' mouth.like "I want to help you heal." He claims he'll do whatever it takes. But I'm at the point of not knowing what I want to do.

I hear your frustrations - my H went to IC first time yesterday and we have been to MCs (2 already - one spoke right away of the spouse being "co-responsible for the A" and mentioned the fact if we didn't sort out "our issues" even if we broke up I'd be cheated on again and he'd cheat again...the second was less about what was said on responsibility and how we both felt - it was Imago therapy but with a very authoritarian counsellor who sat eating biscuits during me crying discussing Dday (felt like he was at movies) and then talked about my H being a "very sensitive man". I've decided it is IC for us for some time before we venture out to find an MC - mine was hit & miss by internet as I had no recommendations - my IC is looking into finding some recommendations.

First, I can empathize with the frustration! I totally agree that it is indeed a "him" problem when/if "he" is the WS. MC to me is relatively useless (long-term) if the WS hasn't gotten down to work on his or her issues.

That said, IC is very beneficial to the BS as well, in processing it all. SI really helped as much initially, frankly!

It's worse than trying to find a decent hairdresser. Higher stakes, too. You go about finding a good one the same way: through friends, or via trial & error. Wish there was a better way! (((Momof3under3)))

Look on Psychology Today Therapist Locator page. You can sort by zip, area of interest, etc. Many therapists have taken some training in IMAGO but may not be "certified" in it. Ours did a few exercises with us using Imago worksheets - where you describe positive/negative traits of your mother/father and use those in a sentence about what you HAVE in your relationship but what you are looking for. Something like that. Anyway, we found our MC through Psychology Today. That is really the gold standard, according to my IC (to whom I was referred by a friend).

Be careful about how much you believe your H. In the early days of treatment, my H said a lot of this stuff, too, but it was really because it was what he "thought" I want to hear, it wasn't what he believed in his heart. They like to say things that they think sound good. Be aware of sincerity.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:53 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

I'm hijacking the thread-- we went to MC once almost 4years ago before the affair. For me it's always been a bad marriage. For him he knew he was making it bad but didn't really care, found a way to blame. Long story short I can tell I'm depressed and having anxiety problems. I need someone to talk to. Should I focus on a counselor or a psychiatrist? Can I go not to fix the M but just to focus on me? What speciality should I look for? Thanks everyone.

We are also having issues with finding either an IC or MC. Live in a very rural area.

We drove an hour to go to a counselor for 2 months - she didn't work out (This was before/during his 2nd EA which just recently evolved to PA).

Everyone agrees counseling might be beneficial, but what if you can't find a counselor?

Oak can you go to a church elder? Usually every church has someone who does this kind of thing, doesn't have to be a specific religion (obviously though I am wading through this too). Just a thought, also you might try an Internet search its a little weird but some things you can do online.

Used psychology today and just made my first appointment. Thanks for posting that!