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befuzzled110 (original poster member #35787) posted at 8:21 PM on Sunday, November 3rd, 2013
Everyone says that you need to know WHAT your boundaries are, and HOW to enforce them. So my question is...HOW do you enforce them? Is divorce really the final "enforcer"? When you say "I will not put up with a, b, or c", how do you enforce it?
Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.
Raven96 ( member #40298) posted at 1:24 AM on Monday, November 4th, 2013
I'm not sure. I think that the boundaries are what you will and will not (can and cannot) put up with, and the enforcing part would be making your WS leave. Them having to leave their comfort zone would be an inconvenience to them, and it will either give them the kick in the butt they need to respect your boundaries or lead to permanent separation or divorce. You have to be ready for that, but I think if they keep crossing your boundaries eventually you're ready to let go, anyway.
Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?
atsenaotie ( member #27650) posted at 2:51 PM on Monday, November 4th, 2013
Hi befuzzled110,
This was a skill set that I had to learn as a part of my healing after dday. D is the ultimate, and certainly not appropriate for day to day disagreements. For me, enforcing boundaries involved three steps.
1. I had to figure out what my boundaries were. What were wants, what were needs, and where were the redlines?
2. I had to clearly and consistently communicate my boundaries to my FWW.
3. I had to learn to not avoid conflict, but to speak my mind before a boundary violation built to resentment.
Since dday, I have used various techniques to enforce, or respond to, boundary violations. When I am upset, angry, or feel hurt by her action or inaction, I bring it up for discussion. Not accusing her (well, sometimes), but explaining how I feel. I use the 180 to detatch when annoying behaviors persist. I raise the issue in our MC. I have moved out for a few weeks when I felt no other choice, and I have progressed towards D when I felt no other option. I also try to reward good behavior, to be the loving and supportive H I want to be when she is trying too, and even sometimes when she is (in my opinion) not trying so much. I try to model the behavior I would like to see.
-Ats
LTA FBS
dday 10.5.09
Divorced
yousaid4ever ( member #32626) posted at 3:37 PM on Monday, November 4th, 2013
A good book I read about boundaries is "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
Setting boundaries is one way we take care of ourselves. An important part of setting a boundary, besides telling your WS what it is, is to always include what the consequence will be if that boundary is broken. The consequence has always been a hard one for me so in that way I really appreciated the book suggestions.
I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?......Pink
BS(me) 59...STBXSAWH 59
Married 40 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-1st on 10/75, now too many too count.
ionlytalkedtoher ( member #39802) posted at 4:13 PM on Monday, November 4th, 2013
[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 2:09 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]
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