SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We're attempting R, but stuck because WW still works with OM.

Recently, she has reluctantly agreed that she should find a new job, but hasn't actually acted on it.

I don't know what to make of the following. Please weigh in.

Tonight, we're coming home from dinner at a friend's home and she started talking about a long-term project at work. I asked her why she was investing time and energy into it if she was going to quit.

She freaked out, said that I don't care about her and that to tell me the truth, she's only with me because when we met, I was there. I could've been any guy, she said.

That hurt. Deeply. It hurt my core.

I went quiet and continued driving home. I got in and sat down on the ground. I became emotional. She hugged me and said that she's also with me because she thinks I'm intelligent, ambitious, good looking and because I love her. She asked me if I believed that.

It was hard to speak, but I said that what she said in the car made sense. It explained the cheating, it explained the nine months that she's continued to work with the OM despite it being a cause of anxiety for me.

She got angry and walked away. She came back and asked me to go to the bedroom with her. I said I wanted to take a shower. I felt devastated mentally.

WW then said she wanted "kindness too" and that if I didn't give it to her she would just go get it from someone else.

I showered and am sleeping on the floor. I don't want to sleep on the bed tonight. She's asleep. I'm here because I can't sleep.

Was all that said in anger because she doesn't want to give up her job? Was it real? Was it both -- she doesn't want to give up her job and is with me because "I was there?"

So much pain.

(Feeling)

Your W doesn't sound all that remorseful to me. Her getting angry, not finding another job, telling you that she's with you b/c you love her (not the other way around) all smack of entitled WW mindset, IMO.

Please don't sleep on the floor. You are neither a child nor a dog, no reason for it.

Was it both -- she doesn't want to give up her job and is with me because "I was there?"

Could be. It's up to you to figure out how much you are willing to tolerate & sacrifice for the M.

It does get better.

That's horrible. I'm sorry you had to endure that. What she's doing is psychologically abusive:

http://psychopathsandlove.com/covert-emotional-manipulation-tactics/

You do NOT deserve to be treated like that!!!

I don't love the idea of sleeping on the floor, but when she brought the OM home, they had sex on our couch. I don't want to sleep there. It hasn't felt comfortable since D-Day.

We had an air mattress, but the cat clawed holes into it.

Just checked her Twitter account. After D-Day, I asked her to include in her bio that she's married to me and include my Twitter handle. She did that and strongly insisted I do the same. I did it.

The part about being married to me is no longer there. She didn't tell me that she took it down. WTF?

Sounds like my xh. He wouldn't quit, and his howorker and him just kept on. The howorker would throw herself at hIM at work and I knew it. He was cruel and whined about being treated bad. Turns out he was a narcissist and did and said stuff to make me chase him. Notice I said XH.

I refused to be talked to that way anymore And if he didn't want to find another job, I didn't want him. In the end I didn't care about him getting another job, wherever he went, there he was. Didn't matter what job, women were there that would feed his ego if I wasn't going to. He told me before the affair that if I wouldn't listen or talk to him, he would find someone who would. His excuse for the affair, she listened to him. I was the one that always begged for him to talk to me.

The other poster was right, get up off the floor. Take your manhood back and if she doesn't want to do the right thing, then her loss will be a good husband. As a bs, we look weak and pathetic when we cry and want their attention. Stand up, do the 180, and make her fight for you to stay instead of you doing what she wants.

I really think these nasty things they say is what they really feel and when it finally hits way to far and we have had enough, I think they try and backtrack and say something that will make us stop pulling away.

I'm feeling like when I finally feel sleepy I should sleep on the bed. That's the 180 thing to do.

Grrrrr, I was doing OK with the 180 until tonight. That comment just hurt my soul. And I asked her, "do you really mean that?" And she said "yes."

You know when your gut tells you something is true? It felt true. Ugh, it hurt because I think that I unconsciously suspected that. I guess that's why she cheated. I was there and available at first. She got to know and even like me, but I'm not the love of her life. So she cheated. Makes sense.

Nine months ago I would've described my WW as the love of my life. And I didn't feel the urge to cheat because I felt I had the "perfect" person for me. That doesn't mean she didn't have faults or made mistakes, it just means that I thought we were good together. I guess she saw it differently.

She got to know and even like me, but I'm not the love of her life. So she cheated. Makes sense.

That's a bunch of bull. She cheated b/c she has poor boundaries and lacks integrity.

If you don't feel comfortable sharing a bed w/her, make her sleep on the couch. She is the one who fucked up, not you. Right now, she has you jumping thru hoops for her. Y'all got it twisted; she needs to be doing what ever it is you need her to do.

If she is so unhappy, show her the door & save yourself more pain. She'll drag out hurting you & keeping you as Plan B as long as you allow it.

I know it hurts, I really, really do. But I also know how much it hurts knowing you are on the back burner, just in case.

She can either get w/the plan or GTFO.

(((Feeling)))

I'm usually not into self pity. I was starting to feel hopeful when she dropped that bomb.

To be honest with you, I'm torn. I don't know what R is like without her working with OM.

I keep waiting for that. And waiting. And waiting. I feel that somehow I need to show her that life would be better that way, but the cold hard truth is, if she doesn't make the choice on her own, it won't mean anything and she'll blame me for it.

Feeling,

Your WW is NOT remorseful.

She freaked out, said that I don't care about her and that to tell me the truth, she's only with me because when we met, I was there. I could've been any guy, she said.

This was just cruel and seems to be a gut reaction.

She hugged me and said that she's also with me because she thinks I'm intelligent, ambitious, good looking and because I love her.

I couldn't help but notice "because I love you" was not part of those reasons.

WW then said she wanted "kindness too" and that if I didn't give it to her she would just go get it from someone else.

She wants "kindness too"??? Her response to seeing you in horrible pain from her callousness is that you she wants kindness too??? That seems to imply that you were wanting "kindness" instead of...oh, say some flippin' help healing from her betrayal. To threaten to find "kindness" from someone else is one of the most insensitive things I think I have ever heard. It's a twisted form of emotional blackmail too. "Do what I want or I'm going to cheat on you again and it will be your fault because I gave you 'fair warning' "

Your WW sounds utterly narcissistic.

Feeling, your WW has shown you who she is.

When someone shows us who they are, it's our job to see it.

I'm so very sorry.

(((feeling)))

I'm sorry you're so torn and hurting. The problem is that you aren't really in R. R is REALLY tough, even when you have two people giving it their all. YOU are the one putting in the effort here- the only one, as far as I can see. That's not R, it's limbo, I'm sorry to say.

Did you read the manipulation tactics article I linked for you?

I did read the manipulation article. A lot in there applies to my situation. Too much.

I guess it's hard for me to grasp the concept that someone, in this case my WW, can do this unconsciously.

I don't know if she's aware she's doing it, but she's certainly doing it.

She's quick to recognize anything that's incoming, meaning anything that could potentially hurt her. She seems to completely ignore the impact of everything she sends out. This is crazy!

She grew up in a family that didn't value emotions of any kind, although her dad is always angry and critical even though his own life is a failure. Throughout our marriage, when WW acted out, I saw where it was coming from and figured that with time and love she would work on those issues. I had issues of my own that I was working on, too.

I never expected the cheating. Never. Even when it was right in front of my face I failed to see it. Everything else I felt that I could deal with because I liked my life. The cheating just crushed me.

I never expected the cheating. Never. Even when it was right in front of my face I failed to see it. Everything else I felt that I could deal with because I liked my life. The cheating just crushed me.

I can totally relate, as you can see from my username. I just used a different word: shattered.

Just so you know a bit of my story: I'm a FBS, my d-day was in June of 2007, and we are in R after a really rough start.

She's quick to recognize anything that's incoming, meaning anything that could potentially hurt her. She seems to completely ignore the impact of everything she sends out. This is crazy!

She grew up in a family that didn't value emotions of any kind, although her dad is always angry and critical even though his own life is a failure. Throughout our marriage, when WW acted out, I saw where it was coming from and figured that with time and love she would work on those issues. I had issues of my own that I was working on, too.

Not one of us is perfect. We all have issues of some form, so I hope you don't feel defective because you're human. The rest of what I've quoted leads me to think you might benefit from learning about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Check out the NPD thread down in I Can Relate and also Google it and learn as much as you can about it.

feeling so much, Your wife is unremorseful. The reason why is that she gets reinforcement everyday that she works with OM. With talk like "I will get it from somewhere else" pretty much says she is still in the affair. Your only shot to have her back all to yourself is to separate from her she is beyond foggy. When you do she will most likely be gone for good. I lurk here and don't chime in much at all mostly I feel I am not to worthy to give advise. But your wife sounds like mine. She is a narcissist. I found a little cartoon character on the you tube vids it is called "men who are abused". you should subscribe to it. You need to grow a pair and put her on her couch. I would have torched it myself. After she wakes in the morning and leaves for work take a piss on it right where she lays her head. and while your at clean up the toilet with her toothbrush -No Soap neither. Best of luck brother. Personally my wife will never fuck me over again!

I don't know if she's aware she's doing it, but she's certainly doing it.

^^^This is what makes her scary and unsafe for you.

Since you posted in R, all I am going to say to you is that the behavior of hers that you posted about reminds me way too much of my stbx's. And considering the realizations that I've had about him, that is NOT a good thing.....

Just checking in with you, feeling. How are you doing today?

wontdefineme -

Please remember when posting to follow the forum guidelines.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

I'm starting to feel numb. That was a horrible weekend with WW saying a lot of hurtful things.

After D-Day, that's the kind of weekend that really crushed me, but today I'm numb.

I expected/hoped that she would apologize for saying we're together because "I was there," but that never came.

Before leaving for work this morning I said that I was feeling crushed by our interaction this weekend. She said my feelings are not the only ones that matter. She repeats this a lot. I don't know what it means. I have asked her, what does me valuing your feelings look like and I get vague answers like, "you don't listen to me."

I try to listen, I swear I do, but right now I'm in a lot of pain after the nine-months of cheating and the fact that they still work together.

WW has just been angry and distant all weekend. Yesterday and today I have been pretty good at maintaining the 180. At work now and being here feels better.

This is very hard for me to write, but I think I'm reaching my limit and hope for R is fading. I have IC on Thursday. I need it.

It sounds to me like your WW isn't truly remoreseful for the A. If she understood and cared what she did to you she would be bending over backwards, utterly acquiescent, to your demands. She would have quit her job without a moment's (let alone a few month's) hesitation. From what you're saying it sounds like the A is still ongoing.

Give her an ultimatum; quit now because you're killing me, or I'm calling a lawyer. Her disregard for your feelings is coming from a place of total selfishness. The 180 thing to do here might be to walk away from her and find real R on your own. Maybe eventually find somebody who values you for reasons beyond the fact that you "were there". If my WW had said something like that to me, I would be gone. Don't wait for her to find another job. You're just torturing yourself and wasting your time. You have to recognize that you're being abused, and fight it, no matter the outcome. You'll find a sense of self-respect, and with that, the love of others.

I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this place. I feel for you. I hope to hear soon that you're off the floor, have burned the couch, and doing better, with or without her.