My DDay was about 3 weeks ago. My WH and I have agreed to explore if we feel we can save our marriage and have agreed not to make any major decision until after the holidays (we have two small girls to consider).
Dday was 11/9/13. He promised to cease contact.
On 11/24, Found email from him to her dated 11/17 saying he knows he's not supposed to be communicating with her and then some general info about a city she had mentioned to him- nothing relational. Also found response from her on 11/19 with bizarre commentary about giving her spouse a massage and saying my WH absence weighed heavy on her giant bazookas (what a skank) and to take her, she's his forever. It does not appear he responded. I confronted him, we talked a lot and he promised again to cease contact.
on 11/25, she tried to follow me on Twitter. I showed him her profile, asked if it was her and we both thought it weird. He called me on 11/26 to tell me he texted her to ask about the follow, she denied and he told her, in stronger language (his description), that he would have no further contact with her because he had committed to me to try and make this work. She told him to tell me I had "won". I asked him if he felt like a prize to be won, he said no. I told him I didn't view him as a prize, but a partner and that seemed to really hit home with him.
Since then, he is no longer constantly on his phone and we've had many conversations about what he feels drove him to this (I want and need him to feel safe talking to me). He said it was "fun" and when I told him that because he has no responsibilities with her that he has with me (2 kids, 2 houses, family drama, bills, etc) of course it's "fun" and that I couldn't compete with that because I already was the full package and fun is only part of it. Surprisingly, he conceded that was true.
He has shared the following items I'm seeing as key to a strong and successful R:
1. he is in shock that I have been so calm and willing to forgive if he is willing to recommit and work on our marriage. I have to say, I shocked myself there, too. He admitted he wanted to get caught and thought that I would divorce him and that's what he thought he wanted. Then, he was grateful that I didn't.
2. that he felt he could not continue the A even if I hadn't found out because he felt guilty.
3. I had asked him to remove all pics and emails of her and he said he would, but not to hound him (he tends to be rebellious whenever I demand things in general). On Thanksgiving, I checked his phone to see if there had been communication (found no new ones). He asked me why I was looking and it would ruin the day. I told him fear and distrust. That I needed to know if he was keeping his word. Told him it was painful that he was keeping the messages. I think he was keeping them to show me he wasn't sure yet if he wanted to keep the marriage.
4. I asked him point blank one night, as "the hardest question of my life", and would he rather be with her than me? Without hesitation, he said no.
5. We've had a couple of "dates" and we touch on the subject a little, but try not to let it overtake our time. On our last date this past Sunday, he mentioned that he meant to wear his ring but forgot it (he hasn't worn it in over a year). He asked where mine were and I told him I would not wear them again until HE put them back on my finger and tells me he wants nothing more than to be my husband and my lifelong partner. He asked me why I thought I wanted him now and not before. I told him we had 6 rough years when he wasn't really working and I was carrying everything. Over the past year, he's gotten a great job he loves, became more of a real partner and that I thought we had been on the road to good things. His response was a tight hug and then, throughout the day, he reached for my hand or my leg and put his arm around me several times. (I know she checks his FB page so you can bet all the smiling pics of our dates are posted! - gratefully, he's never been FBfriends with her).
6. Sunday night, after I spoke wit my BFF, he asked me what she said (he knows she's very protective of me). I told him she wanted a dated pic of us to make sure he was still alive (she, too, thought I've been way to calm and thought I might have offed him LOL). We both got a laugh from that. I told him she felt I wasn't being demanding enough with him keeping the emails and pics and that I felt that even if he deleted, it didn't keep him from communicating if he chose to. He replied that he has not communicated and that while I was on the phone, he had deleted most of the emails, all the pics and that he was was going to delete the email account entirely from his phone. I asked him if he would shut it down completely so there could be no contact and he said that was a good idea.
Now, for my question. Do I believe his claimed actions? Do I press to see for myself? We've already discussed that if we decide to really work on this, we will share all pw's and accounts going forward. We seem to be making progress and I don't want to push too much too fast.
On a possibly related note, he has been having libido issues which he claims date back to the spring (several months before the A and I had noticed them too, but didn't mention) He's very concerned and we made him a dr appt to look into that and also to be tested for STDs (told him he needed to since he knew his OW has had multiple partners). He is completely moved that I am patient and don't get frustrated with him, nor do I give up
. I desperately want to ask if he had the issues with her too. When I joke that maybe it's just me, he tells me absolutely not, that its happened even when he's taken care of himself (i want to believe that's his way of saying it did happen with her too)
Appreciate the group's thoughts and reality check so that I'm not hearing just what I want... and sorry for the long post. Thanks!