SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OLD. Meet a new guy tomorrow night. Recently D, (it is a one year wait here, plus they had full in-house S for 6 months prior, so he is 18 months to 2 years out) and he has primary custody of his 3 kids. Seems emotionally pretty stable. She asked for the D and asked him to take the kids. He feels there was EA as she was working part time, and is now working full time at same job, and is in a relationship with her boss. He asked for MC, she refused, asked for D then instantly dating her boss. The most shocking to me is giving up custody of her kids…but…whatever.

So far, not seeing any jabs at the ex, has been very respectful, almost formal at times. But, his very first email to me was…poetic…and that actually turned me a little off. So, I turned him down. He was nice about it, and told me if I ever reconsidered, to look him up. Well, I decided a few weeks later, "Why not? I'll give him a chance…"

All is good, until today when I emailed that I was headed outside to do some gardening.

His reply,"Hope the gardening was good, dirty, and sweaty. I find gardening very therapeutic, cleanses the mind and the body (well after a nice hot shower to wash the sweat off)." Then some other completely benign stuff about his kids in the next paragraph.

I'm thinking, WHOA. Slow down! You haven't even met me yet…no sexual references!

I know…guys think about sex a lot. I get it. But, am I out of line that this is pushing it before you've met someone?? I haven't responded because I'm hovering between just being cool with it, I know he finds me attractive, and telling him that was inappropriate. I'm not a prude, but I move slower in the sex area until I'm 1)comfortable 2)monogamous. I'm not sure I'm attracted to him, I have to meet him to make that determination.

How would wise SI handle this?

I don't get any sexual innuendo from his reply. Am I just being dense here?

NL

I'm seeing no innuendo here.

I find it a huge turnoff when a man does that. I've also found that it is the best indicator of what a man is truly looking for. A man who respects you and is looking for a relationship doesn't typically throw sexual innuendo out there.

I'd probably let this one slide because it isn't blatant innuendo to me. However, if he does it again I'd call him out on it.

I would be inclined to think that it wasn't sexual in nature. I can see it being taken that way because of the dirty sweaty part but with the cleanses the mind and body line I don't think so. If I said the same thing early on I would have meant it more of that you really dug into what you were doing and working hard, cause that is the part that is therapeutic. Really committing and getting dirty and sweaty helps me a lot after I finish what I started. It feels good to step back, covered in dirt and sweat and enjoy what I accomplished. That's my take on it.

I'm with Lieshurt, word for word.

It was subtle, but the innuendo was there (in my opinion). It seems like he's feeling you out to see how you'll respond.

It seems like he's feeling you out to see how you'll respond.

Exactly Gaby.

I’m not a fan of early innuendo either, but I wouldn’t write him off or scold him for what he wrote, I’d ignore it. If he is a pervert he will keep at it unprompted. If he is a gentlemen at all he should realize he overstepped and relish the reprieve.

Wow! I wasn't see'n any sexual innuendos there. Maybe I'm too old.

Dang the comments I've made make that look very innocent....and I wasn't make'n innuendos either.

But you do know the guy much better than I. Take a deep breath, meg. Keep your mind outta the gutter. Public tv is more "forward" than that, any more it seams.

Good luck, wish the best for ya!

I would tend to let this go. I definitely think sexual innuendo needs to wait until you're much closer to sex being part of the relationship.

One of the biggest turn ons with TG was that it was a looooong time before we got to that. We talked for hours and hours and hours for weeks and weeks and weeks before our relationship became sexual. There was constant respect from TG. Even when I left the door wide open. That told me a lot.

That kinda stuff makes me very uncomfortable as well... Funny too as it seems we always have to say "I'm not a prude"... I love sweaty, HOT sex like anyone else, am getting more of it lately than I ever thought possible, but it is only satisfying to me when I am comfortable, trust the person, and it does not feel raunchy/shallow.

FWIW, I also do not find sexually based jokes/innuendo funny, Don't like pornography, sex toys, etc... It's interesting to experience just how sexually forward/explicit folks are now-a-days right off the bat, how foul mouthed many "ladies" are right off the bat, and it is all considered normal... I love refined, sophisticated ladies who know that being this way is a HUGE aphrodisiac; not overt, raunchy talk and actions... Good luck!

I agree, it was subtle…but I feel it is there. You don't use the words "good, dirty, sweaty" without it probably being an innuendo. Which would be appropriate after a date or two…but not before you meet me.

He did ask me last night, in an email, if I am always "formal". I know the way I write, I can sound formal…but I'm not. So I replied that I am not conservative and actually very casual in real life. He replied well.

But, then this email this morning.

The deal is…I love sex. But not until I'm committed and comfortable. I don't even flirt very much until I'm well into a relationship and the trust is there.

I think I'm going to ignore it and see what he does. He is calling me tonight and date is tomorrow.

If he does it again, I'm done.

Its there. Subtle, but there none the less. As a guy and maybe because I'm a bit old fashioned I don't play the innuendo game. It can be a huge turn off for some women. Once your in a sexual relationship its OK I guess. But its pretty presumptuous to assume you will respond to that type of communication, especially being that you have never met. Would I write him off ? Probably not as he just might be nervous and had a slip of the tongue. But when you meet for the first time make sure you meet him wherever your going. And make sure its a well crowded place. And don't park in a secluded spot. Safety never hurts.....

Yep it's there.

Red Flag #1.

AJ's MOM

Oh, we are meeting at a mall to do a little shopping for the first "meet". I am very cautious. I give my friends his contact info and the first several "meets" are always in a public location.

The more I think about it, the more uncomfortable I am becoming.

I've had men say, "You are pretty…" or compliment a photo before a date. That is one thing.

This is something else. I hate when I pick up on a vein of something…because it usually means I am right.

The only other guy that did this to me was waaaay in the beginning of my OLD life, and he was much more "out there" with it, it wasn't subtle, and I ignored my gut and met him anyway. He then proceeded to stalk me for a few days after turning him down. Blowing up my phone in drunk rants, stalking me on LinkedIn, etc.

I don't want a stalker.

I don't know. I'm in the middle on this. I can see where you might take that as a sexual innuendo but I can also see it as having a simple literal meaning. I know I've made comments before about doing yard work and being hot and dirty and sweaty and I've meant EXACTLY that with absolutely no sexual meaning intended.

I'm more of the type that needs a "slap in the face" type of innuendo. Had one of those once from an OLD site. It was so dang funny.....it was a picture....something a guy would do.

Hope your not right and hope your date/shopping goes well. At least get a meal out of the guy!

Yeah…but its 65 degrees today, not 90.

I still haven't responded.

It's a sexual innuendo. No doubt about it.

Trust your instincts, Cmego. If something feels "off" there's a good reason.

The fact that he included the word "dirty" is a flag for me.

My x is an expert at grooming, and that would be just the kind of message he would send to start the conversation.

About three messages later would be the penis pics.