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After all that has gone on. All the drama. All the lying and anger and hell... Is there, can there be a fear of normal? A fear when things calm down? When reconciliation is true ( or you hope and feel it's true) and things start to feel...good, and your not tortured everyday...Is this normal? I don't want or wish for more drama, but I find myself with small triggers here and there, and I look around at times and I am wondering if I am looking for something to complain about because after all the drama I am afraid of the calm..almost like the calm before another storm because that's all I've known for so long? And if it is normal...how do you move pass this weird faze? How do you learn to open your arms and embrace goodness without looking under the rug for remains of what might have been swept under it?

I would love to hear what people have to say about this as well.

What you have just described sounds like me. In theory I should be starting to feel good. There is calm. Wife is back in her right mind. Kids are healthy and family is whole. But I find myself clinging to things I can't change and that I have excepted on most days.

I concur completely with:

".how do you move pass this weird faze? How do you learn to open your arms and embrace goodness without looking under the rug for remains of what might have been swept under it?"

I would love to move forward, happily for both me and my family.

Just wanted to say I am in the same boat. He has done everything I have asked and more. He is patiently waiting for me to come to him and start fresh, but I stay back and just keep circling like a wounded animal.

I think I fear returning to normal. In my mind, we need to talk about it everyday. If we don't talk about it everyday maybe he will forget & return old habits and we will relive this nightmare.

I know it is healthier for me to focus on me and not the "what ifs", but at this stage that is hard.

My wife and I have talked about this, since we both have felt it at different times over the last few months.

At first we both saw it as a "waiting for the other shoe to drop." Whether it was me waiting on STD results or proof of no pregnancy (I found out mid "monthly" cycle and was mildly worried until the usual happened), or her waiting to see if I'd "come to my mind" and kick her out and take the kids away. It felt like the bad stuff couldn't possibly be done, so any hint of normalcy was just an illusion and that believing it would hurt us more when the illusion was revealed.

We've also both felt...well, exhilarated by the events. Yeah, they sucked, but crisis is exciting and the fact that we're seeming to work things out is an ego boost for the both of us. So "normalcy" seems so boring that it's scary, if that makes any sense. We're both high-energy people, who like to be always doing something, so having such a high-priority project (our marriage and its attendant problems) to work on was strangely very rewarding.

Finally, there's the fear that we'll find, not a true normalcy with a healthy relationship, but the "normal" from pre-affair where we were both dissatisfied with the relationship and our lives. This one, I think, is more my fear than hers.

TL;DR: Yep, I understand your fear well.

I thank you guys for responding. I know a few of us are in this "boat". I really wish there was someone who's been there that could give us a heads up or some sage words of advice.

Same boat here. I'm four months out almost to the day and our reconciliation has been great. But I worry that moving on will lead to some loss of intimacy, or return us to the placid state of our previous marriage, which neither of us wants.

There can be a fear of normal, sure.

Afraid that if the WS isn't reminded of what they did, if you are not on alert 24 x 7 it will happen again, fear that the marriage will slowly decline as you get settled...

That won't happen, if you have truly R'd.

R'ing isn't about fixing the marriage, wiping off your hands and onto the "next" project.

The marriage is the connecting of 2 people. In order for it to thrive and be healthy the 2 people need to be healthy.

There is a large amount of healing, growth and introspection that goes on during R, and it doesn't happen in a few months. It's a long process.

Once you have committed to R and each done the work to heal, the marriage gets worked on. You find communication, acceptance and forgiveness. You also learn a marriage is a commitment,something that needs to be tended to, worked on and appreciated.

If you really R you learn to never take for granted the life you have or had.You wake up daily wondering what you can learn today, where you can improve, how you can do better, for yourself, for your spouse and for your family.

Marriage is a verb.

Do it, work it and never forget it.

That's my 2 cents

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:08 AM, December 7th (Saturday)]