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I am in a black hole. I don’t know how long it will take me to get out of this. I really don’t. I’m trying to pull myself out, but I’m only falling farther in. I drove past a cemetery today and I thought, those people don’t know how good they have it.

I might have to call my doctor and see if I can get on different meds. I’m not done with the first bottle of Prozac, so I’m wondering if it just takes a while for it to kick in or is this my new normal. If anybody can recommend something better I’d appreciate it. I’m still not eating . . . coming up on almost 30 lbs. lost and I’m pretty sure that’s another thing that pulling me down. If I’m not at work, I’m sleeping, and if I’m not sleeping, I’m heartbroken. It’s exhausting. If it wasn’t for these stupid Boost shakes . . .

I know it’s only been less than two months from DDay, so my rational brain tells me I just have to be patient and understand that one day I’m up, the next I’m down. The problem is that with each swing, I’m only getting further down. I’m mourning my marriage with a person that doesn’t exist. He’s already checked out and I’m just catching up to the reality of it. I’ve had to block his calls because he’s trying to talk to me, to ease his own guilt. It just puts my stomach in knots.

If anybody can give me some suggestions on what I can do to feel better. What worked for you? I need to be able to function at work. I can't even think about what would happen if I lost my job.

HUGS!!! ((((Lola7)))

I don't know that I can offer advise as I find myself where you are much of the time.

But I wanted you to know you were heard!

Definitely see your doctor and explain that the Prozac isn't doing it for you. Drugs react differently on different people. Another thing that worked for me was walking. Physical activity is good for your brain and kind of kick starts you. That might increase your appetite. I'm not talking miles and miles here. Just short walks.

I completely understand the cemetery thing. I did that too. Only when I couldn't sleep at night I'd walk to the cemetery and sit in there in the dark and talk to them. How creepy is that. If I was able to bounce back from that, I'm sure you will too. (((((hugs))))

Honey if it is depression no amount of willpower will help. Talk to your Dr about changing meds and please make sure you share these thoughts/feelings with your IC too.

Keep reading, keep posting. Get it all out. I've read some of my early posts and I realised how much I was concealing, even here in this this anonymous place. I was trying to conceal it from myself but it ended up bursting out of me.

Please let someone in IRL too. We all worry about burning out our friends but through this I've found out who my true friends are and who my fair weather friends are. Find someone who will listen to you and hold you while you weep.

Don't minimise the trauma you are going through. For me this triggered long dormant emotional issues that I never even realised I had. Coping with all of that AND what is happening right now is overwhelming - overwhelming for all of us.

Please don't try to do this alone.

((Lola7))

Search on-line for 'Salute to the Sun' it's a yoga routine that is fairly easy...it will stretch and gently energize your body. Do it every morning. Also look up affirmations and pick 1 to start... a good one for me is 'I am worthy of real, honest love and caring'.

Take care of you, make that your priority. Get the dr on the phone and ask him about your meds....he/she may want to try something else.

'Living well is the BEST revenge!'

Lola7, yes, please call your doctor (is a general or psychiatrist?) and tell him/her exactly what you have written here. I'm not familiar with Prozac but I believe all AD's take a few weeks to be fully effective. BUT there may be other meds that can be taken that are fast acting - short term while the Prozac is working up to it's potential. Also, are you in IC?

What worked for me was reading a ton of books on infidelity, abandonment, codependency; IC; meds (antidepressants and xanax ~ xanax was my short term meds); SI (of course); IRL support; and my number one was reconnecting with God.

Lola7, please remember that as terrible as you are feeling, it is temporary. The people in the cemetery, that's permanent. You are showing incredible strength. Depression makes it hard to see it but WE see it. Depression makes it impossible to see YOUR brighter and better future but I'm telling you that there absolutely is one.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and I encourage you to call your doctor. (((((Lola7)))))

Call your doctor immediately and tell them you are not feeling better. It does take several weeks for the full effect but generally there is some gradual improvement. Prozac in particular can increase suicidal thoughts to please please understand that this is the illness/drugs influencing your thoughts - things WILL get better so please hang on.

I could not take Prozac, I now am on Wellbutrin and it has been very helpful. I have friends who had good results from Lexapro.

Also, if you have any friends/family you can confide in and lean on, sometimes just getting it out can help. ((Lola7)).

I am so sorry. It is a terrible blow. This is such a hard time of year too. Please see your doctor about switching up meds. Also are you in IC? I was struggling with sudden increased depression/anxiety now and realized I had a traumatic incident around the holidays in the past. I'm working through that in IC too.

Take care of yourself. We are here.

I'm seeing a therapist too and it does help a little. But I'm still driving away with that hopeless feeling in the center of my chest. I have a few people I share this with, but I don't want to pull more people in because it just becomes overwhelming; having to explain it all over again. And it's even worse for the people who believed we were super couple, because they are in shock so I'm forced to relive it again.

Work has become this place where I have to hold it together. All this Christmasy shit is going on, and I know a lot of people really don't understand what's going on in my head. When someone says, "it'll get better", I just want to lay down on the floor.

I had to go to my local city clerks' office today to take care of some paperwork. They are in full swing holiday mode, hugging and what not, and I'm standing at the counter in tears. Who the fuck does that?

_I_ do that! I started weeping the other day at the library. It happens. It happens to someone who is a BS or is grieving. It happens.

Cut yourself some slack. You deserve happiness but it's OK to feel sadness. Maybe think, "sadness is present" rather than "I am sad" because I am willing to bet you are not only sad. You are angry and hurt and frightened and courageous. Not sure where you live, but if it's at all possible, get outside and go for a walk. Your legs work, right?---there's a blessing. start counting them. Don't let that sorry ass son of a bitch take one more minute of your hope for the future.

I've decided that fighting stress is my part time job.

Keep posting. Talk to your doc.

Don't give up.

Oh, my friend, I am so sorry.

Again, I wish we lived closer.

((huge hug))

If you need to talk, message me anytime.

Hugs. We're here for you and understand where you are. I'm on day 4 of Prozac and your post is, well, let me just say I really understand.

I'm a little worried about the poster who said that Prozac increases suicidal thoughts. Let's both keep vigilant about this.

Running or walking makes me feel better. Seeing friends does, too, and spending time with pets. But mostly, I feel really, really terrible.

We on SI need to get each other through these holidays. It is hard, hard, hard. Keep posting.

(((((lola))))) Oh, honey. I just want to reach through the screen and hug you, even though I know that won't change anything.

Please do talk to your doctor about the meds. I second the posters who are suggesting physical activity. The endorphins really can help, and moving your body seems to do something with your thoughts as well - at least, it did for me during the darkest days and nights.

Above all else, please don't get down on yourself for feeling what you are feeling. It's normal. It's part of the process. The only way past this crap is through it, unfortunately.

Sending you strength and comfort, Lola. We're here. We get it. Keep posting.

Lola, I've been there. I totally understand what you're saying about the cemetery; I've felt exactly the same. I took it one step further and tried to kill myself. You don't want to go there.

Here are things that you need to do:

- Go to your doctor: Tell him/her everything you just told us. Antidepressants can take six to eight weeks to kick in - and that's assuming that you are using the right ones in the right amounts. Your doctor may decide to up your dosage. Do what your doctor tells you.

- Get off the couch/out of bed: I know, sleeping is a wonderful release from all that is ailing you. But you won't start feeling better by lying around. You have to get those feet on the floor and do shit. I know that's easier said than done, but do it because you want to feel better; let your misery drive you.

- Exercise: I'm not talking about going to the gym and working on toning your body. Go out for walks. Long heart-pumping walks. When I'm in my worst misery, I find that a good hard 45-minute walk can actually give me some immediate release. It also makes me more likely to eat.

- Shower: This can even be a hard things to tackle when depressed, but even this small thing gives you a sense that AT LEAST you've accomplished this much.

- Appreciate the small victories: At this point in the game, all the victories you're going through are small ones: You showered, you brushed your teeth, you got out of your pyjamas. But all those small things are still victories. Be proud of every single thing you accomplish, because accomplishing ANYTHING is hard at this point.

- Tell people: You are going through the worst shit someone can throw at you. Talk to your family; talk to your friends; talk to your boss. Your self esteem is in the shitter right now, so you may have trouble believing this, but THEY WANT TO HELP YOU. You've been putting on a brave face at work, but trust me, your boss has noticed. Tell him/her what has happened, and that you are doing everything you can to not let it affect your work.

- Cry: Since my DDay, I've cried in restaurants, movie theatres, bars, city busses, and just out on the street. People may give you weird looks, but fuck them. You're in crisis, and sometimes you just need to cry. The guy on the street who thinks you're crazy for crying has no effect on your life, so it doesn't matter what he thinks.

This is nasty shit you're dealing with, but you can't afford to NOT deal with it. As hard as it sounds, you need to do something about your depression; it will help you get through it sooner.

Please take care of yourself.

Ok, first of all (((((hugs)))))

At 2 months out? ummmmm... I don't think I "functioned." Zombie, crying, snotty, full of disbelief. I "functioned" enough, barely. I made lists of things like "set the alarm, drive kids to school." I might get nothing more than that done.

I was in denial mode to get anything at all done. I just shut "IT" all away and did what had to be done.

Betrayal of this kind is trauma. Don't beat yourself up for your response to it.

What "worked" for me was the rage. The "HOW FUCKING DARE HE" realization that his actions were DEPLORABLE and evil and horrible. I acquired what I like to think of as my SI vocabulary and I learned to express myself. I wrote scathing foul language tirades against him and posted them here. I called him every imaginable name and some made up names and listed all of the sins and smugness and stupid stuff he said and did. The anger was soooooo much better than sad, I embraced my rage.

But the only way out is through. The process of getting beyond the pain is not getting "over it." It's hell, so you keep walking.

I fully support blocking his calls. No Contact will give you the clear view of what you are dealing with, rather than what he thinks you are dealing with or wants you to believe in his rewriting of your history.

What also worked for me was posting here.

It is called the roller coaster for a reason. the swings are normal. But good for you for being proactive and recognizing the downward trend!!

(((more hugs)))

I so understand. I didn't drive past cemeteries and think that...I used the obituaries.

You are not alone. I know we don't really know each other, but we have all felt the same pain and hopelessness.

Everyone before me has given wonderful advice. I am currently on Wellbutrin and it has helped immensely. I no longer sit and cry all day long. And yes, Xanax was a great help in the short term while the other meds kicked in.

Keep posting. Keep leaning on those you've already told. It doesn't seem like it now, but you will get out of this dark pit.

It doesn't seem like it now, but you will get out of this dark pit.

Lola,

You must believe this. I was there. It seems like just yesterday I was convinced that the pain was so deep and visceral my heart simply would cease to beat. The next day it had not subsided. The next week it was worse. Then one day for around an hour I realized I was not as intense. And then it was. And then six months into it it was not--but I didn't realize it wasn't until another two months.

And so on. My point is that the black hole you are in? Where you see no present but pain, no future but more pain? You are going through it. But it is not a linear path: the anguish zigs and zags and you don't know it until much more time than two months have passed and then it becomes clearer that even the zigging and zagging were still part of the path forward.

I am a year and a month out. I stopped crying hysterically around four months ago. Maybe less. Maybe more. This wreaks havoc on one's sense of time. But time is doing its thing to heal you. Let it. Be patient with yourself. I know these may just seem like words, like pointless palliatives while in the blinding pain that is your world at this moment.

But you will live. I am alive and surprised that I am. You will be too. I still cry. I still am in the aftershocks of the emotional earthquake you are in the thick of. Please have faith in all the survivors--many of whom remember me when I was where you are. They told me I would get through it. Often I didn't believe them; they couldn't possibly have lived through this agony. But they did. Hang. In. There. Everything they said to me has come to pass.

(I lost thirty pounds in the first three months. I have gained fifteen back in the last three months.)

Especially this: NO. CONTACT. The roots of your attachment are incredibly deep. Your brain needs to go through withdrawals from the toxicity. Stay away from that which brought, brings, and will bring pain. It is SO hard. I know. The man to whom you went to seek relief from pain is now he cause of it. Incredibly disorienting and terrifying.

With regard to meds: the first med I went on was prozac. I gave it a month. Nothing. Then I went on celexa. It helped. But it took around six weeks. The clouds didn't part. I didn't wake up one day happy or pain free. It doesn't work like that. It very slowly helps you cope. A little better. (In my case.). My point is that you may have to go through a few different meds to find the one that works for you. Please see your doctor (a psychiatrist, not a primary care) and let her guide you.

You will make it. You are in the very worst of it.

Strength, Lola.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 5:05 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

How are you, Lola?

Abbondad, thank you for your epic and wonderful post. I made a copy to keep.

There are sooo many good pieces of advice above me here but I'll add my two cents.

First, infidelity takes what you thought you knew and turns it inside out. Things that made sense before are confusing now. Things that hurt before are remembered and hurt worse now. In the midst of all this you need something that is a routine, that is stable, that you control. For me it was my daily activities. I picked a few things that were at the baseline to get through life as myself and made sure I did most of them every day (shower, put on makeup, eat 3 meals even if you don't feel like it, exercise). You could add reading/posting on SI to try to understand what you are feeling and accept that it is all part of the painful but necessary process. Congrats on posting so soon btw; I hid in the shadows for months.

Second, and this is the opposite of what I said above, change some things! For me I just purged my closet, reorganized it (taking over his half completely), and took lots of boxes to the Salvation Army. And I got some new things. New lip gloss one day and a new perfume another day. I'm too chicken to get a drastic haircut or something but somehow making myself into a different person instead of letting the shitty circumstances make me different seemed better. Plus smelling different made me feel different in a good way.

We are here for you!!