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I can't sleep, just keep tossing with the feeling like I'm about to do something crazy, like sky dive or bungee jump. That weird, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you're on one of those rides that drops you several stories.

My DDay is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I guess I'm having PTSD. Today is also the anniversary of my brother's death. Seems like even though I may not be thinking about it, my body is. Ugh! I just hope I can make it past this season.

[This message edited by jstbreathe at 4:23 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

(((HUGS)))

Antiversaries can be very hard. Combine it with the death of a loved one and you're bound to have a hard time, my friend. Are you open to the idea of journaling/typing out all the thoughts in your head & heart? It helps to release your emotions & thoughts.

Thanks, Nature_Girl. Coincidentally, I have just started journaling over the last few days. I'm trying to do anything I can just to keep myself contained in my own skin.

I watched a lot of Netflix. Anything to get me a few hours past the worst of the panic & pressure.

Me too! I'm running out of movies

Are you doing anything differently this Christmas to help you establish new, positive associations with this holiday?

Are you doing anything in remembrance of your brother?

My brother died 19 years ago, so no one does too much anymore. Just a post on FB and flowers to my mom.

As for Christmas, we are going to eat out at a Japanese steak house, and then to the movies. We have family visiting but only 4 or 5 adults, so we don't need to do a big Christmas dinner. I can't bring myself to do all the cooking and baking. I was making a variety of cookies with my son last year, and that's when the text came through on WH's phone. He had accidentally left it on the counter where I was working and forgot to lock it. So it just lit up in front of me with "It's snowing!" And I just knew. He tried to deny it, and I let him pretty much until Christmas day celebrations were over. Then I confronted him again, and he finally admitted to a year long affair. They were leaving the next morning (12/26) for a 5 day trip to Geneva, Switzerland!

Sorry, I know this is more than you asked for. Just a bit of purging. Anyway, the answer to your question is yes, I did have to make some changes for the Holidays this year. I'm just trying to maintain some of the tradition for my younger son who loves Christmas. My older son thinks we should all skip it and just go to Fiji. I'm with him!

[This message edited by jstbreathe at 12:09 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

I hope today is going better for you. It is hard to deal with grieving from the lost of a loved one and the A. The year of my husband's A, my Mother died. So it was my first holiday season without her, while he was having his A. We barely made it through Christmas. I think you are wise in changing some things this year and not worrying about cooking a big meal. My advice to those on their first Christmas after the A is to do what you can do. Do not over do...just make it through.

Take care of your self. Do something special for yourself. If it is soaking your feet in warm water, a extra long hot shower, or long soak in the tub, a glass (not bottle..lol) of wine, an indulgent dessert, etc. You get the point. Pamper yourself somehow. Talk to your partner if you are able.

Thanks brkn_heartd. It's nice to hear from people who've made it past this and understand what I'm going through.

I told my husband what I was feeling, and he reminded my that I had also changed my thyroid meds, so that could be a factor too.

What I really find strange is that the person that caused me so much pain tends to be the person I seek comfort from. Gives a person very mixed emotions!

brkn_heartd

So sorry for the loss of your mother. That must have been unbearable to deal with her passing and his betrayal. I hope you've found peace.

Hi jstbreathe,

What you said was something I experienced intensely also and yes, it was very confusing!

t

he person that caused me so much pain tends to be the person I seek comfort from

Hi TheAgonyOfIt,

I never thought I could love and hate someone, and want to cling to him and run as far away as I can from him all at the same time. Talk about a roller coaster!