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Things have been so much better since starting ADs. I feel like I have some space from my own personal attacks. H has been good-weekly dates, helping out more with little girl and house work, sending me sweet-emotional texts, asking me every day if I'm okay, if there's anything he needs to do, patiently and kindly holding me when I cry, answering questions without being defensive at all. It seems that now that my emotions have leveled, he is able to be more level as well. Now that he knows a little more about what to expect every day I can tell a difference in his confidence about us. He says he doesn't feel like I am about to leave him at any moment any more. I feel the same about him. So, we looked for a new wedding ring for him, bought it, and were considering renewing our vows on our annual trip out to the coast to visit friends and family. So here we are and the vacation is a trigger. Shit. We do this every year. The same things--we love them--shopping, swimming, parades, movies, walks along the beach, crabbing. Last year he didn't love me (or his love had "lessened for me"--whatever) and I didn't know!! I had a great vacation last year, look forward to it every year. The difference this year is I know he didn't love me last year during this exact same vacation. He is doing all the same good things--asking me if I'm okay, if he's doing enough....

But I'm scared. I don't trust myself and I don't trust him. I'm not ready to renew vows with this person I'm afraid I don't know as well as I knew I did.

Will I ever not be scared of myself and him?

Yes, you will. But, things do seem to be zipping along! You could back off a little, heal a little more, and go into vow renewal feeling a little more centered. . .

If you feel rushed, don't renew the vows just yet. From a wayward perspective, I'd be upset either way. But I'd be more upset if I felt I rushed my BS into this decision rather than if they called off the vows last second. I don't think your WS wants to pressure you into anything, so just let them know!

We got WH a new ring for Christmas and sometimes I think I'm rushing myself. I'm trying so hard to just enjoy the good times but it's always in the back of my head. He was doing these things when he should've been supporting me the most (and I him).

It's really hard but if you're not ready yet, you're not ready. Don't push it.

Double post

[This message edited by AML04 at 1:13 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]

My H wanted to buy a new ring and I said not yet. I saw the hurt look on his face but didn't change my mind. I don't think a ring will make a difference. I wonder why I wouldn't just let him have it.

Don't rush into vow renewal if you're not ready. It's causing anxiety. Take your time, there is no reason you have to do it right now.

I agree with the others....don't rush the renewal if you are not ready. I am at 4 years out and not sure I could do a vow renewal even now.

Also, maybe you can make some new traditions while you are on your trip. You said you do the same thing every time you go. What else can you do to go to the same location you love, but instead of the triggers from last year...i.e. this time last year when we were crabbing he did or thought XXX....What if you did other activities. These activities will be NEW to both of you. As you heal, you might return to some of the other activities you liked in future trips.

I thought I was ready. 7 mos after initial 'discovery'... 3 mos after real day #1. We exchanged rings on Christmas, promising each other a new beginning. That all shattered in January with new discovery.

If you have reservations, then wait. It will be so much more meaningful when you are both 100℅ there.

Vow renewal, if you do it, seems like something that should be done YEARS later, after some substantial healing has occurred.

Vow renewal was something WH offered to "make up for it". Pinning ideas on pinterest helps take my mind off of it. But i decided we will not do it, until I am more comfortable in R. We agreed on our 10th wedding anniversary. That's 2 1/2 years. That will also give us time to plan the wedding we didn't get to have, as well as finally have a honeymoon we didn't get the first time. (We already had children when we got married. Our daughters were 4&3 and my son was 7, and with both of us having NPD mothers, we had zero support system.)