DDay for me was Christmas 2013.
Our relationship lasted 5 and a half years. No marriage, but we lived together for 4 years, moved together half way across the country for school/work, and discussed and planned our future. I thought the only difference between us and a married couple was a signed piece of paper. I was making money and she was in debt/loans. Although we split a lot of finances, I picked up all the monetary slack.
We had our ups and downs. Some more serious than others, with blame lying at both our feet for the small things and the big things. We loved each other and worked through a lot, but by the end of 2012 we were growing distant. We had decided to split, initiated and pushed for by her. After over a month of finding a new place to live, setting things up, and being about to walk out the door--we decided we couldn't do it. We loved each other so much and knew our relationship had so much potential to be blissfully happy again.
Initiated by her, we reconciled. I gave up my new apartment, we really worked through some of our long term issues, and we rededicated ourselves to our relationship. We were in separate demanding graduate school programs, but we really made progress. We seemed to really get back to a place where we were really happy with each other. We explored our relationship goals and outlook, our sex life, our own personal interests, our shared hobbies, our families and friends. We had regular date nights, went on vacations, worked on house projects together, and really tried to enjoy each other's company. Things were not perfect, but they were constantly improving. It seemed to me that we had really opened healthy lines of communication and were enjoying the best, most promising phase of our relationship.
In the late fall, things began to pile up for my WS (I still can't believe I am calling her that). She had extremely demanding rotations (think med school), she was spending most of her free time prepping for her licensing exam, writing applications, going on interviews, etc. During this time she made some new friends at school. Other students with whom she had been on back to back rotations with (about 6 weeks). I was excited for her because she didn't have a lot of "fun" friends from school. They went out for drinks several times after work and after their second rotation they all went out to our nearest big city to celebrate finishing their rotation. (no significant others invited, but in retrospect I think I was the only one not invited)
I supported her through all of this. I picked up chores around the house, spend extra time with our dogs so they weren't neglected, tried to make her meals often, give her a comfy quite place to study, supported her new found friendships, edited and drafted parts of her applications, and tried to always lend a hand when she was in a hurry. I tried to go out of my way during this time to show her how much I cared: if she went to bed early I would usually lay with her until she fell asleep, I would--almost daily--send her emails full of cute pictures and funny links, and I would text her regularly just to see how her day was going.
Both our families where coming to spend Christmas with us. I took the lead in decorating the house, prepping activities, and planning the family get together. In the days leading up to Dec. 25th, some of her family got caught in a huge winter storm and cancelled at the last minute. I entertained her brother while she had to work and I tried to make sure he got to do everything he wanted. (never been to our area of the country) On Christmas day we all went into the big city for most of the day. I left early to head home and start cooking the holiday meal and to be around for my families arrival. She returned a little late, drunk, with her brother. The evening went alright, although she was maintained a pretty good buzz/drunkenness through the whole affair. We ate, talked, exchanged presents and everyone seemed happy.
After my family left we were getting ready for bed and I told her and her brother (staying with us) to call their family one last time. I felt bad since they couldn't make it into town. I tried calling from my phone, but I had trouble getting through, so she gave me hers. I guess she forgot she still had up a picture message of the OP and his cat. Her chat response seemed oddly friendly towards this guy. I proceeded to call their family and let them all talk. I stood in the other room thinking: who is this guy? why have I never heard of him? He's not a cousin, family member, or old friend I've ever heard of.
After the phone calls I asked her (still in her drunken state): who is this guy?
WS "just some guy, a friend"
BS "you guys seem awfully friendly. How come I've never heard of this guy"
WS "Hes a friend from that new group I've been hanging out with"
BS "Oh I didn't know there were guys in the group you were close with"
WS "Yeah, and he likes me"
BS "What!? And how do you feel?"
WS "I dunno, he's nice. I like him"
This is where it spun out of control. I started getting frustrated and overwhelmed, but I never started shouting. She started yelling at me that aren't I shocked someone could actually like her. I panicked and went on her facebook (we know each other's passwords). I started reading through their messages. Clear, explicit evidence of an EA. I was in shock. I called my father at his hotel and asked him to come pick me up. We spent the night talking, didn't sleep a wink. She drunkenly passed out and never even tried to call.
Over the next day or so I started to learn about everything that was going on from reading her old messages and prying things from her. They had been hanging out regularly for about 6 weeks. They would study together, they went out for drinks together several times (she got dressed up for it), they tried to go ice skating (something I had tried to get her to do several times recently to no avail), and they went on hikes. The time she went to the city for the celebration with friends--she ended up staying at his place...it's pretty close to where we live (although they both claim nothing happened) He had told her he has feelings for her just before Christmas and got her a little present. She had gotten him a small gift in return and left it for him Christmas morning while she was at work. They both claim nothing physical had happened. I think I believe that, but I think is only because I caught them before it progressed to that point. All of this my WS had been lying about, much of it under direct questioning.
Over the next few days I tried to give her space, but I also wanted answers. I tried to be civil, but I struggled with what I learned and with the fact that she continued to talk to him until the weekend when she finally said "it wasn't worth it". She insisted we should split and I said I don't want to reconcile. (I didn't really feel that way) She said she thinks both of us can be happier with other people.
Things went on like that for a few days and we were able to get to a point of surprising civility. She said a lot of things that were really hurtful. Like, even though she didn't think it could be anything serious, she would probably pursue OP now that we are over. I was extremely patient. Away from her I was an absolute wreck. I began IC and my father stayed around a while to help me out. At this point I laid down ground rules that we weren't going to talk about the specifics of recent events, but about only our relationship as a whole. With this and other rules, we set out on a day trip with our dogs. I feel like this was the first time we had a real conversation. She said she is terrified about ending up like her parents: married to the wrong people, have kids, go through a bitter ugly divorce with life long resentment. She thinks she should be with someone who is more similar to her, shares more of her interests. I feel like I have always pushed for us to explore these things, but she has always resisted me. Putting her school work and our home life first. I was okay with that, and surprised she was telling me she wanted something that I had pushed for.
I told her how I really felt. I was angry, betrayed, and abandoned, but I love her. Dearly. I have grown, especially over the past year, into a person that is willing to do whatever it takes to be with her. I'm not going anywhere. It's going to be a lot of work, but I think we can do it and be happy.
She seemed much less volatile and on edge than she had all week. She told me she was confused. She thinks we can be happier with others and is confused by how much I care about her. The next day said she thinks that I care about her more than she cares about me. She doesn't think that's fair.
I had been bringing up counseling for days and she finally agreed she would do it just for my sake. To see if anything was still here, or more likely to help us end this in a healthy manner. I called around all day and found a few experienced people willing to work with our schedules and finances. When my WS returned from work she agreed to see someone with me the next day.
I went out to eat with my father. Clear my head and give her some space. When I returned something seemed off. She said she had been talking to a friend from school. She said after talking to them she's realized she should be allowed to have this OP as a friend even if he likes her. She had already begun texting with him again. As I was trying to talk with her about what was going on she was giggling and emoting at her phone messages from him. We started fighting and my father came to pick me up. She said she can't keep doing this. It had been 8 days already. I should have been moved out by now. I asked her to keep the counseling appointment and she said maybe. She laughed when I said this could take days or weeks. She said if that's the case then things are going to get bad because she is going to be moving on with her life during that time (OPs). She said she can't wait. Life's short.
When I got to my father's hotel she messaged me. She said she was going away for the weekend and putting our dogs in the kennel while she is gone. I asked with whom? She said friends, including the OP. They will be staying at a cottage and going skiing. This stuff between us is making her crazy.
I called her and lectured her. I told her she is running from me. She is scared where our relationship is headed and she is running. I told her I can't wait for her, I won't be on hold. I don't know if any of it sunk in.
I have to now try to get over there and move out while she is gone.
When I go over this I am lead to believe that she IS scared of ending up like her parents. We were in a stressful time and she liked this "new" attention she was getting. It made her feel like there was more out there for her, that she should be happier, that she should feel like that regularly. I think she is scared and running, but what the fuck do I know.
I just don't understand how this is happening. I don't understand how she is just running as fast as possible from our 5 1/2 year relationship. For something that is a few weeks old! The things she does and says make me feel like she values this OP she has known for 6 weeks more than me. I don't understand what OP is doing either. He isn't totally blameless in this. He has known about me but has been trying to win her over. I can't get over my jealousy. OP superficially actually seems a lot like me...that makes it feel worse.
