SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I muddle through the holidays fairly well. Had trouble mustering up some "holiday cheer", but I think I got in enough for the kids' sake.

My new thing lately is the nightmares. Every. Single. Night. They all are the same "theme", being abandoned by my H. In one, he left to go to the store or something and never came back. I was frantically calling everyone trying to find him. No one knew where he was. In another, I was in the hospital and they wheeled me away and I was reaching out screaming for him and he just stood there in the hallway, watching me being taken away. But they are all like this, this overwhelming sadness and fear of him gone and not coming back. This is all recent, in the past week or so.

On another note... I've tried contacting the OBS. I feel stalkerish. I only had his name and tried contacting via Facebook, but after a week, hadn't heard anything. I didn't want to send mail to his home, in case she got it first and opened it. So, I sent it to his work he has listed on his profile on FB. I sent that out Friday and am now just waiting. Not sure how long I should wait before moving on to the next plan. My H has NO idea I'm doing this, so if it does get mentioned, I'll know how he got that information. But, I'm not sure how far I should take this.

Your responsibility to the OBS ends by notifying him of the affair. How he needs to handle his wife and his life is none of our business from there. We just need to focus on ourselves and our healing now. Get our self-esteem back, gain internal confidence without any need of validation from the external (e.g. your WS). I feel for you and please, it does get better no matter what happens. You can choose to rise from this and you will be stronger and believe it or not more loving. I simply refused to be a bitter person no matter what happened and that mantra worked for me, no matter what my FWS decided to do. I feel it's my life, my happiness, my decision.

Hugs your way.

Those dreams are because you have been put through a trauma. They ease up after a while. Never soon enough to suit us though.

I had to start taking Benadryl (refuse to take anything stronger for personal reasons) in order to sleep through the night.

Try and stay focused on yourself and your own healing. Go for walks, they help get some of the negative obsessive thinking out. Do the things that work for you to relax.

(((brokensout75)))

I am very sorry for what happened and for what you are feeling. We are all here for you.

Just based on my experience. 9 months after D-dat, I still get nightmares. At least I wake up ok. Thats all I asked for. For the first 4 months, everytime I woke up from my nightly nightmares, it felt as if someone punched my chest. I woke up yelling, sweating, and crying. I wouldnt remember the date or where I was. Now, in glad its only nightmares one in a while.

I can only advise that it will get better. Just focuse on you. You can not control or change him.

Try to 180D him.

Read through the tactical primer and 180D rules to get a basis on your thinking.

Good luck

Thanks. I've had scattered nightmares since DDay on and off, just seems like recently they've been more and more frequent. It's almost the 6-month mark.

And to clarify, which I should've done... I've only initiated contact with the OWBS. I haven't mentioned the A yet, I didn't feel right just throwing it out there without knowing he got it or not, so I wanted to first make contact with him. The letter I sent basically said I needed to discuss an important and private matter with him and how was it best to contact him. I left my cell and email address and also directed him to the fact that I did leave him a message on Facebook. I just want to make sure HE gets the message and NOT her. From what I can see on his FB page, he doesn't use it much, which is why I decided to send the letter as well.

I had something s,liar when ex H left for his OW. I used to dream that I was trying to call him but couldn't dial the number properly or was looking for him and couldn't find him. It was torturous.

We broke up for years and got back together, when he chose OW over me for a second time I kept dreaming that he was all loving and happy and wanting to work on our relationship. In hindsight .I'm so pleased it never came true, THAT would have been the real nightmare!

So... my contact with the OBS went, not as expected.

I don't know exactly what happened, but, OW found out I had attempted to contact her BS. She pulled my H into her office on Tuesday to discuss this with him. He decided to keep this all from me until therapy Wednesday evening. And then he dropped it on me and how he was pissed I went behind his back (after early on promising I wouldn't do anything vindictive to OW if he told me who she was) and how I betrayed him by doing this. And again, I was told how he was a violent, unpredictable person.

So, OBS still doesn't know. And now, I am a "crazy person" to him. And I feel even shittier.

I still feel like SHE'S being protected and getting away with this and I'm the bad guy for being desperate to get her out of MY day to day and put my life back together. I just don't know what to do anymore.

brokensoul --

I have a few thoughts. One, not to be critical, but I am not sure you can contact the BS without revealing your intention. If someone whose name I didn't recognize was sending me letters/messages/etc. with cryptic "I need to talk to you". I would likely ignore it (perhaps assume it was a scam/crime), and I would also DEFINITELY mention it to my spouse in case they recognized the name/knew what was up. I think an oblivious BS would react similarly.

If I were you, I would call the location you said he worked, and see if you can be directed to him or better yet his voicemail. Googling may provide a website or even email addresses for his workplace. Send the actual details, not a "we need to talk" message, and then let it go. If he gets back to you? Fine. If not? Also fine.

Lastly, you are not a crazy person and his reaction to the situation is not fair or right. I don't think you did anything "vindictive" in wanting another human being to be aware of the lie they are living, and you do not have to be a saint 24/7 while everyone else gets to be a sinner.

I may have missed other posts of yours -- but is it a definite that your WS remain at that workplace/location? At many workplaces the person with the authority would be in serious career danger for having an inappropriate relationship with someone lower on the ladder.

I went behind his back (after early on promising I wouldn't do anything vindictive to OW if he told me who she was) and how I betrayed him by doing this. And again, I was told how he was a violent, unpredictable person.

LOL...how comical to hear the word "betrayal" coming out of HIS mouth, of all people.

Take a look around at the different posts here - you'll see just how much that LIE about the OW's husband being "violent" and "abusive" and "unpredictable" is told to BS's to keep them from telling the other woman's BH. If I had a nickel for every time a cheater told his BW that bullcrap story to keep her quiet, I'd be rich, I swear.

Straight up, your husband is a lying, manipulative coward. He's SO worried about saving his own ass - and protecting his OW's ass as well - that he'll lie to you and manipulate you to keep you silent. So you're the crazy one and these two lying cheaters are right as rain, is that it? What a joke.

Homefront is exactly right. You KNOW the company the guy works for, so call them and ASK to speak with him or ask for his email address. I also agree you need to send a brief summary of the affair to this guy and let him know if he'd like more answers or more information, and that he's welcome to call you or email you. I, too, think it's too cryptic to say "we need to talk" so give him instead the basic details and the choice to get more info from you.

Lastly, these two lying cheaters have no doubt already cooked up a story to tell her BH, because that's what cowards do - lie lie lie and deny deny deny. That story will no doubt entail a statement about her nice, "innocent" working relationship with your husband and the guy's psychopathic, insane, bipolar, schizophrenic wife (that would be YOU). She'll claim that you accuse ALL WOMEN of hitting on your husband because you're insane and off your meds, don'tcha know?

Yup, without a doubt that's what she'll probably do. Try to get to him first OR if you do talk to him, let him know you're not the crazy idiot these two tried to paint you out to be.

Jesus. The low life cheaters are nothing if not PREDICTABLE. Pffft.

I'm in a similar situation. I originally found out in Sept and then dug up more in October followed by uncovering voicemails right before Christmas (EA never stopped). I too have bad dreams though not as much in the last week. I think I'm becoming numb and waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're working on the marriage but I keep waiting for something bad to happen. WH also works with OW but not closely as they are area managers and out in the field daily. But they've figured out how to meet up without being discovered which scares me. They both have to drive an hour to meet in the middle from home and are not even in their assigned areas. My dilemma is I promised WH I would not contact OW BS. So I sit in limbo because my word means everything to me. The one thing on my side is that WH knows that I promised (not threatened) to immediately contact BS if I think any non work related contact has been made and I will be done. I clearly drew those boundaries. Good luck in contacting BS. I hope it all works out.

I'm telling you right now: Tell him and don't look back. It will shine a light on the ugly truth of the affair and help end it.

My wife pleaded with me not to contact the BS, saying she was half-crazy (lies perpetrated by her scumbag husband), and that he himself was vindictive and likely to pursue some type of retaliation.

That was back in October. Both were lies; his wife was horrified and hurt, and when she contacted me one more time for additional questions, I discovered he was throwing my wife under the bus and accusing her of making up the affair in an attempt to divorce me! All ridiculous lies.

I felt so much better after I contacted the poor woman and knew immediately that it was the right thing to do.

Call the BS - you need to get it out there so you are NOT the crazy person.

Also - Is your WH supposed to be NC? Have you addressed the fact that NC was broken AND he kept it from you AND he was mad at you?

That does not scream remorse to me. How did your counselor handle it?

There is not complete NC because they work together and there is no way around it. She is his supervisor. And I cannot go above her because it could risk H's job as well, and we just can't afford that. Yes, it sucks big time.

I feel so torn. H is adamant about OWBS being violent, and this has been semi-verified by a 3rd party as well. If it's true, and he is, I'd hate to have been the one that set the ball rolling for harm to come to my H or to the innocent child of OW.

On the other hand, I feel like some things aren't adding up and I'm just not sure how to proceed.

I'm having surgery this Friday, so I'm just beyond stressed out this week. I had another nightmare this morning. Great start to the week. And he's working a double shift today.

There is not complete NC because they work together and there is no way around it. She is his supervisor. And I cannot go above her because it could risk H's job as well, and we just can't afford that. Yes, it sucks big time.

Maybe they should have both thought about that. It really does suck. I wish you could "afford" it and go right above her ass and have her fired for being the biggest whore supervisor!

And let this supposed lunatic OBS go bezerk on her. I'm sure he's not but she deserves any wrath that he may give her. Your gut is telling you things aren't adding up! Your gut is probably accurate.

So sorry, you don't deserve this drama and stress with upcoming surgery. Focus on yourself as much as possible!

Broken-first of all I am so sorry you are here, but you are in a safe place to get great support, and advice and be heard.

I want to chime in real quickly about informing the OW BH. First of all, as youve been told that cheaters lie. OW and your WH do not want to get caught. Exposing is a good way to get two sets of eyes on the situation. And...they lie. You hear time and time again on this website about how the WS will paint the portrait that the BS is crazy, violent, psychotic, etc. they do that to totally discredit the BS. Let me speak from my situation. OW and FWH were coworkers too-It is a long gross story that I wont get into but bottom line is my H had a 3yr LTA. OW BH found out by seeing a text on her phone and then downloading years of texts. He told her what hed seen and she immeidiately told him I was crazy and had been diagnosed with schizophrenia and that I had made threats to kill myself and my children...and that I would without doubt come after her and harm her. ALL TOTALLY UNTRUE. Absolute lies. But because she was so convincing (and that she and my FWH hacked into my FB and emails) the OBS didnt inform me for 3 more weeks and finally did so via a letter he had overnighted to my home.

They lie so I wouldnt necessarily believe that the OBS in your case is violent either. Just my 2 cents.

So sorry you are dealing with this.