SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with this as all of you are I'm sure. This may be a bit long but bare with me. I have no one to talk to about this right now. I can't sit and say that I loved my spouse more than any of you but I did love her to the best I knew how. I thought she loved me like that too and I'm sure at one time she did.

I'm 8 months out and feel like I'm getting worse. I stopped going to counseling because he was not the right fit for us. He was forgetful and contradicted himself on many occasions. I have no prior experience and can imagine that it must be tough to keep all of your clients stories straight. I will go to another counselor as soon as we find a new one. My insurance appears to have found the lowest bidders but I'll give it one more go to go do IC and MC.

I took the advice of the people that responded to my last post and am trying to curb the alcohol the best I can and am in treatment for the prescription pain pills. They are still being prescribed to me but I've went from 6 a day to 3 per day and steadily am being weaned off. Now let me get to the point.

At first we had hysterical bonding and in some strange way it was good and unexplainable. Fast forward and the anger transferred from the AP to my wife. I think that PTSD kicked in and now I don't want to touch her and I don't want her to touch me. We have sex only when I absolutely need it. This is a selfish statement but I'm being honest. I've always been an attentive lover and never selfish but now I feel that way. I can't even bring myself to tell her I love her or even reply when she tells me.

I have had the "pleasure" to see many unfortunate pictures that my WW traded with the AP along with countless emails and texts. Of course I looked at everything in the beginning and haven't looked at them in months but I know every word by heart and every picture and the context of the conversation they were having when they were sent. My mind is literally warped from this.

I think about it non stop, I dream about it non stop and trigger hard all day long. Watching your wife tell another man that she loved him and would love to be married to him and take my two most precious children with her and how they would love him. She used my children a lot to get to see this man because her AP and his wife were her parents "friends". She referred to me as "him" a many of time in her conversations with this asshole.

I'm miserable of course and this has transferred to my kids. My three year old has always been a challenge but I really think that they are starting to pick up on my misery. They have no idea what is going on but I know that they know something is up as my 6 year old has mentioned things to me.

I guess what I'm wanting to know from everyone is this normal to just shut down without any reason other than "I'm done"? Am I done? Is this the deal breaker? I tell myself I am but there is just a little bit of me that wants to stay to keep hearing those little feet (my children) running around my house. I find myself thinking that it would've been so much easier if my wife would have just left me. I'm probably wrong for thinking that but that's what comes to mind. I know no one can tell me if its a deal breaker, I guess I just want some support.

That would be difficult seeing the pix and emails. Those of us who haven't only imagine but we also have the gift of denial..you can't after viewing. How is your ws doing with showing R? Is she helping you to heal or just wanting you to put it away and move on? Hopefully someone who's been where you are can come along and give you some advice. Gosh, that would hurt like a bitch reading those words. I'm so sorry.

I can't lie to you it is an issue with me that I haven't been able to overcome. I didn't get pictures but my fWH kept a journal. A very graphic journal. One that described positions, places, number of times, in our home and theirs. Even compared me and her on a chart. So six years later our sex life is virtually none existent and I am not sure I can change it. I do hope things work out for you.

[This message edited by scared&stronger at 9:10 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

During my wh's EA, he posted to a message board we both looked at that he needed to choose between "true love and obligation" like two days after dday. I was obligation... It ripped me apart. Still haunts me, even though he's still here... But that bitch, true love?

You know its a funny thing that I feel like this. My WW has shown remorse and has had no contact with him that I'm aware of. She wants to help me heal but how in God's name do you help heal the one you crushed? In the beginning I found out by having my head in her lap watching a movie together. She opened her phone and bam there is a picture of herself and by saying herself I think you know what I mean. A year long PA and EA staring me in the face.

That's when shit hit the fan when I got a hold of her phone. I went ballistic of course like anyone would. Fast forward a month later and I find yet more evidence that she has been up to no good with yet another man, an old high school friend. No sex or so I've been told just raunchy dirty talk even though she went and met him twice. I really don't know what to believe. Between that and having flirtatious conversations with my used to be best friend I'm not sure how I can get passed this.

To top it off I lost my right finger as a result of a fight with her AP. I guess I just want to feel sorry for myself. I'm left with the feeling that it has been more than I can bare.

I've read stories of others that had way worse done to them and feel guilty for feeling this sorry for myself. I've lost all my hopes and dreams to this affair and the strength to live comes from my boys.

I know that one day we'll all be on the other side of this and hopefully it will be a distant memory with an ugly ass scar to go with it. I'm ate up with this and just want it to go away.

true love and obligation" like two days after dday. I was obligation... It ripped me apart. Still haunts me, even though he's still here... But that bitch, true love?

Omg how awful...

This thread has changed my mind somewhat in wanting to know everything...you can't un-know..haunting for life.

sex isn't the same anymore since his A, yeah we had the hysterical bonding, but since that's been over blah!!! I've become a selfish "lover" and it's purely physical, nothing emotional between us when we do have sex.

Same boat here.

The emotional connection for me during sex is now gone.

I miss it and hate that WW took that from me.

Ditto for me. I don't even think about sex anymore. It's really not worth the anxiety and sadness. There have been times that I thought I might want some closeness with my fWH, but the second he touches me that all changes.

I have started to feel like I am living with a roommate. My fWH is remorseful, attends IC and MC, but none of this makes me feel any better. OW still works at his company (they don't work near each other) but so far NC is still in force.

He has started looking for a new job. I am hoping that once I know he can't even bump into her at work that maybe we can begin to R. Who knows. It seems like we have wasted so much time, how do you get that back,

((((((hugs)))))

I feel the same way as the rest. We had the HB and now that its over I don't want him to touch me. I guess in my mind its such an intimate thing between 2 people that I cant fathom the thought that another woman touched my WH in ways that I have. Its not that I don't want to feel close to WH but I just cant! I am only five months into this game I call hell and I do not know if I will stay with him or not? WH seems to think that sex will bring us closer but I disagree. I want to see more actions on his part so until then I think intimacy will be on the back burner.

I feel the same. Right after the discovery I couldn't do it.Then we went through about a week of HB... Now I am having a hard time just being in the same room with him. Sometimes my H wants to give me a hug or kiss and I get all tense...

Some thoughts in no particular order from someone who is 10 months out:

1. I admire your honesty about the other stuff going on - pain pills, alcohol. Those are definitely factors - to what degree only you can figure that out.

2. I did not see any pictures between my SAWH and his AP, but I did see some racy texts and a weird pic of AP's friend's cleavage on my SAWH's phone. He also told me he and AP discussed him moving in with her, having kids together. It hurts to think someone actually did and thought those things and you did not do anything to deserve that. I do think about this stuff at inopportune moments, that is for sure. He doesn't know I have seen the texts. To me, it further illustrates the state of mind he was in during all of this. I think it's probably hard to for you to understand, as it is for me, how someone could allow this to happen, how they could NOT be thinking of the consequences, how they could be caught up in something and swept away. It's hard for us to understand because our minds don't think like that - we won't allow that to happen. But someone having an affair has a mind that is sick and not working right for whatever reason. Not an excuse but an explanation.

3. "They" say it takes 2-5 years to recover from this - and supposedly it gets worse before it gets better. I feel myself detaching from time to time, but overall, the good is more prevalent than the bad.

4. Our MC, whom we both really like, would probably say that you have a choice - to live in the past or live in the present. If you are living in the past, you are making the choice to relive all of the pain.

5. Winston Churchil said, "When you are going through Hell, keep going."

[This message edited by womaninflux at 7:51 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

I'm around the same time frame as you, Uhtred and I'm feeling like you and the others too. I can barely stand to even look at him so when we actually do have sex, I feel no emotions towards him. I use all of my mental energy to focus on the sensation to at least have an orgasm and on blocking out the nightmare he turned our lives into. I did see pics and he even mistakenly sent me one of him during one of his sexting episodes with the whore - nice. I didn't realize it wasn't meant for me until everything came out and I looked over the phone bills.

I've been seeing an IC and we've been working on why I'm with him and giving him a chance. Really it's because I think most people are in not so happy relationships and most of the time it's easier and also less scary to just stay and coexist. She said there are good men out there. I agreed but I said looking at the numbers of people who cheat and the divorce rate, I think most peoples' chances of finding a good man or woman are slim. Like winning the lottery. I just think that's how it is. I know a ton of people and I can't name one who seems happy with their spouse. Kind of sad but I'm just trying to accept it and get me back. Focus on me and what I still want to do with my life rather than on "us". I do have PTSD from this - was diagnosed and drinking during the triggers/episodes was not helping so I stopped that and have just been working out every single day. It helps me focus on something else and tires me out so maybe one night this year I'll actually sleep. I've made other small goals for myself as well to keep me on a pretty strict schedule and also to again, focus on something besides this mess like to quit cursing because last year I sounded like a sailor. Have you tried focussing on just you and maybe some more goals (I know you're weaning off the meds so that's one goal)? Spending time with your kids outside the home maybe doing something physical that would require you to focus on something besides the nightmare?

I don't know. I feel for all of us in this. I just know I've found some comfort in doing things for me and not worrying about him. I should say he's "trying" to work on himself and the relationship, blah blah blah but I, like you don't even return "I love you's" anymore and haven't since DDay.

Sorry if this is all over the place, like I said, I don't sleep much and am just exhausted all the time but I do love my workout times. Strength to you.

This all seems pretty normal and similar to my journey through A land. I recommend that you read about the 5 stages of Grief/Loss. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. This may help you understand what you're going to experience. I don't think there is necessarily an order to the stages but I know I felt them all. I had about 3 months of HB that I attribute to Denial/Bargaining. Depression, for me was the worst stage. I felt the anger stage a number of times. We decided to R and there was much that I had to accept, including not knowing if I knew everything.

Shutting down was normal for me too. Kind of like you're body and mind need a break from the strain, stress, and pain so it deals with the overload by going numb. This usually preceded an anger stage for me.

Hang in there and be good to yourself.

I want to thank each and everyone of you that has replied to my post. It means a lot especially since I've had no one to talk to. It seems that I'm having normal feelings. The emotional connection that I had with my wife is becoming non existent. I'm still riding on the roller coaster from hell.

I used to enjoy holding her and holding her hand. I always wanted to sleep right next to her at night holding her. This is something that she denied me for many years and now that this has happened she wants to sleep all tangled up with me. I've always wanted to be close to her but now I feel like a robot with a blank stare.

Even though we do have sex from time to time it is extremely tough for me and the anxiety is awful and this is coming from a man. Since I have all of these pictures and images it is next to impossible to be emotional.

I also deal with the fact that before my discovery I shed tears to her and told her that I didn't feel right about us and she looked me in the eye and assured me nothing was wrong. Days before DDAY I had a conversation with her regarding our status together, again shedding tears and shortly after she made baby sitting arrangements for our kids while I was at work to meet the asshole. She also photographed herself masturbating and sent them to the other man and told him how excited she was for there next hook up. Damn this shit is crippling.

I guess for the time being I'm living in the past and do not have the ability to move forward at this time. The past and present are hell for me. I'm hoping the future holds a better place for us all. I guess it boils down to what you make of it. Bless us all and wishing everyone a speedy recovery.

has your WS been screened for psychological issues such as Sex addiction or some kind of personality disorder?

She hasn't been diagnosed with any. We've established that she has had some serious self image problems from gaining weight. I'm now the one with the mental problems!

When she lost the weight that is when she turned into a monster. I've always been in fairly good shape and she always hated me for it or so it seems. I never acted on any female attention because I was a "lucky man" to have a wife that I so dearly loved.

I always told her she was beautiful but of course she says she never believed it coming from me since I "had" to say these things.

I honestly believe that once she lost the weight and started turning heads she went into ego mode. she denies this and says that it could've happened when she had some fluff on her but I know that's a damn lie. She turned into an egotistical maniac.

She was texting my best friends pics of her weight loss and things like that. Not normal behavior at all. She turned into a validation whore in my opinion.

I can't make it quote so I copied and pasted! I'm not to slick with technology!

During my wh's EA, he posted to a message board we both looked at that he needed to choose between "true love and obligation" like two days after dday. I was obligation... It ripped me apart. Still haunts me, even though he's still here... But that bitch, true love?

I read this a few times and can't imagine how this made you feel. Being labeled as an obligation has to be one of the worst things I've heard. You know of course that your husband was deep in a cloud somewhere at that time and maybe still is.

[This message edited by Uhtred at 7:10 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

HB lasted for well over a years for us. Now things are kind of back to what I would consider. Oral frequency for a relationship. I do feel a connection with WSO, and. I definitely feel she feels one with me. Our sex life is actually better in some ways post A. She's a lot more attentive to me emotionally as well as physically, and she's more comfortable with her own body and in tune with it.

Of course there are still the mind movies for me. They're constant, and at times the mental pain is almost unbearable. A year and a half from DDay, and the A is still at the forefront of my mind, playing over and over. I think about OM, the things they did, the things WSO said to him, did for him. How she ignored me and our relationship for years, especially sexually. It can make sex difficult at times, but I usually somehow managed to block it out long enough to enjoy making love to her, and her love to me. There are always triggers, and sometimes they happen in the middle of making love. That usually puts an end to things, but she has become pretty good at being understanding and there for me in these situations.

I can't wait for the day when this stuff doesn't play on my mind anymore...years in the future? Who knows. Part of me knows that this hurt will always be there, the scars...but they will fade at least. More than anything I hope it's the love, connection and happiness I still feel for WSO that remains, stronger than ever...that I hope and somehow know, despite all this, she shares with me as well.

Jesu,

You sound like a man's man. Only a real man can buck up and do what you've done to forgive your wife and try and move past it.

Right now I'm in despair and feel destitute . I'm definitely not in R. I often think of how being with another woman would erase all of these mind movies and turn my focus elsewhere. I want to be able to focus on my children most of all. I find it near impossible to do so with this ugly demon that I fight day after day.

Hell, it's been 15 years since I've been with another woman and I'm not saying I want to jump into a relationship with anyone right now or anytime soon until I sort myself out. Did you ever consider this yourself? I imagine starting fresh and not having to look at the woman who gutted me and know all the nitty gritty about her nasty little secret .

I want to live a happy long life with someone I love and respect. I'm in a place where I'm feeling as though my wife can never be this person after the events that have taken place.

After starting this thread I'm really beginning to think I don't love my wife enough anymore to reconcile with her. I don't think I can go through life and continue the mind movies and other bull shit that goes along with the aftermath.