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I think it is because we are still self-absorbed, entitled and deluded about what we caused. For myself, I realized how I was still hanging on to a self-image that was unhealthy, unmanageable and destructive. I did not want to let go and change to be a better person. A large part of it is the refusal to admit and recognize the enormity of the suffering and pain I inflicted on my partner and that I was responsible for it. How can I possibly be that kind of person? I was that person. Once I accepted that and owned it then there was no need to be resentful. How was it for you?

Thanks for the post Grains. I was struggling with this mightily yesterday. It is a recurring theme for me and I hate it. I think you are right, that it is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that "I am that guy". It doesn't fit the idea of who I pictured myself as. It sounds so dumb typing that as a WS doesn't it. I was listening to the lyrics of a song my teenage daughters were listening to as we cooked in the kitchen this afternoon, and it was about how much the singer loved her boyfriend and I just thought of my BS. She wanted/wants to feel what this singer was singing and how I have so not been that man for her. It breaks my heart to think of that, but it also makes me determined to become a real husband, one that she can hopefully one day be proud of. My wife is so amazing, I want to be more like her.

I feel the same way about my BS. I really admire her. I struggle with resentment and it is a recurring theme for me too. But at least we have that perspective of what it really is about. I just go back to it when I feel resentful. "I am that guy". I did those things. I never want to be that person ever again. Please be a good husband to your wife. I will be to mine.

Thanks Grains. I will. Peace to you and yours.

I struggle with thoughts about the kind of person I am. It is so far removed from the type of person I wanted to be.

I want more than anything to one day be a wife my H can be proud of. For him to respect me and trust me. So I am putting everything into being that woman for him, for myself and for my children.

I cannot change what I've done but I can learn from my mistakes and change who I am. I can be the kind of spouse my H deserves, a better person. It won't be easy, but I will get there.

This is becoming a key issue I am trying to deal with in IC...

I resent my BS for not talking to me...

I resent my BS for kicking me out...

I resent my BS for telling our friends what I did..

I resent my parents for abusing me as a kid...

This list never ends and it's just one big proxy for the real answer:

I resent myself for what I became, what I did and what I allowed to happen to my wife and family.

It's not easy resenting the person you see in the mirror and I can only hope it gets better from here...

For me, it took years before I would even acknowledge that I was resentful and angry with my BW. I agree with Prayingforhope, when you said that it all seems to be a proxy for the real answer, whatever one's answer is. One of the things I am drilling into my head whenever my wife and I talk is that she is not the cause of my issues and that any resentment I show towards her is unfair, undeserving, and I need to pull my head out of my ass and stop. I fail more times than not, but that is no excuse for not trying. I am making another go at IC to resolve the real issues (lied to all my previous therapists about what really was going on, refused to deal with truth and reality) and hopefully with hard work, my resentment towards everyone, but especially my BW, will stop.

For me, resentment is intrinsically involved with feeling entitled.

It's also heavily associated with reciprocation and for me, stems from there.

I feel/felt like I've done so much for my H and resented him for not doing as much for me. Thing is he never asked me to, I had a choice. Yes, those choices reaped huge rewards and I was seen as the good one so there was a payoff, but deep inside it built resentment and I was always conflicted.

I have since stopped doing things that I don't want to do. My H claims I've "changed", he would, as I'm not so accommodating anymore, but it's a very positive move for me.

Resentment and anger was a precipitating factor for me in my A.

Great post.

I'm a BS and at times over the past year I felt that xWS really resented me. I do think it was because he is incapable of owning his shit.

At the end of the day he has a lot of work to do on himself. And although we are S I do hope that he can do this for our children's sake.

Though I'm not holding my breath.

The core of being a Wayward is selfishness, self obsession. Me me me.

Part of that is living in Anger, Resentment, and Fear.

The opposites of those? Acceptance, Love and Faith.

It took some serious work to move away from the wayward mindset.

It's an ongoing process, that will never be "done".

I will always have to have vigilance.

After things crossed the line into the A, I told my BS that I was leaving and wanted a divorce (I didn't disclose the A at that point nor was I planning to leave him for AP.) We'd been married 9 years and things had been pretty stormy for a long time. Sex had been an issue between us for years. Now looking back, I think our issues weren't uncommon. I told him that sex made me feel used and unloved and that I needed him to show me love outside the bedroom if he wanted love inside it. I felt like he never heard me and nothing ever changed. I think what really happened is not that he didn't want to show me, it's that he had no idea how and I didn't give any suggestions because I honestly didn't know either. I just knew that I didn't feel loved and it was his job to make me. (FTR, I wish we had gone to counseling back then to learn to reconnect, oh hindsight!)

When I told him I was leaving, things at my house changed drastically. He started helping around the house more. He was more attentive. He interacted with the kids more. He was amazing. I, on the other hand, was already completely checked out of the marriage. I assumed that that would last for a month and then he'd just go back to the way it was before because that's what normally happened. Well, it didn't. For months, I saw him making this effort. And then I just got mad and felt so much resentment for him. Why hadn't he done this before, years ago when I was telling him that things weren't right and we needed to do something? And yes, I blamed him for what I'd done. If only he had listened to me all those years, our marriage would've been strong and I wouldn't have even given AP a second glance. For me, the resentment was definitely a deflection. Instead of taking responsibility for what I'd done, it was easier to be mad at him.

Through IC, I came to see how the problems in our marriage weren't his fault or mine, they were ours. And they weren't because of a willful disregard for the other person, they were really a communication problem. We were young and immature when we got married and we weren't speaking each other's love language. But no matter what was going on in our marriage, under no circumstances is an A okay. I made that choice all on my own. There were plenty of other roads open to me and I chose this one. When I owned that, I didn't feel any more resentment. Now I just feel guilt, shame, regret, disgust and just sorrow for all we've lost. Our marriage wasn't great before the A, but it was ours.

It took me a long time to realize and get in touch with the fact that I was resentful. I just could not identify that feeling at the time, or what it was really masking underneath. Under that resentment was a host of other feelings, anger, sadness, depression, etc.

The resentment was me looking to the outside and not internally to solve my problems. It was me feeling like the victim in my own life, and not taking responsibility for my part in it.

I still get resentful sometimes, but with my ICs help, I can look below that and get in touch with what is really going on.

great topic.

excuse the t/j but this...

Our marriage wasn't great before the A, but it was ours.

...is one of the best statements I have ever read on SI. This sums up perfectly how many BS feel and what was lost.

end t/j

My husband and I are about 10+ months out from DD. Over the weekend he made some comment about how I am dressing more "sexy" and seem more "self confident." I said to him that "no offense," but it was easy to lose weight and invest in myself when I realized I needed to stop punishing myself for all of the things wrong in our relationship when a lot of it stemmed from his issues. He said he is not going to take the blame for all of the problems in our marriage, only the cheating. I asked him if he thinks that my depression and my overeating had anything to do with the fact that he abandoned me in every sense of the word during the entire marriage. I told him I take responsibility for putting up with my end of the bad communication and putting up with bad behavior and accepting it as "normal" for as long as I did, but I'm not going to excuse his emotional, physical and otherwise abandonment of the marriage as a way of dealing with issues he had long before I ever met him, things I could not possibly even know about. We'll talk about it more in MC this week but I don't think his reaction to that was a positive one and it revealed he is a lot more resentful than he outwardly presents. That is definitely going to be an impediment to R.

Why is the WS resentful? Being called out on his problems and unhealthy coping mechanisms? Still resentful that the affair had to end? Being forced to self-examine thoughtfully and productively? Call me crazy, but that is LONG OVERDUE in our marriage, and I suspect in many other cases of infidelity. Let me get this straight: WS are resentful that they are getting another chance and have to actually work at it?

The thing about resentment that really gets my ire up is that WS are so often resentful that BS are resentful over longtime mistreatment and of course, the infidelity in whatever context that took place (short term, long term, ONS, prostitutes, coworker, friends of BS, whatever…). I'd love to hear about why that seems to be a legitimate train of thought.

To me, the resentment is just another palpable hurt to the BS that is undeserved. Speaking for myself, I did not choose to be in this situation. I would have liked to make a decision about the state of my own marriage vs. finding out about it in a crisis after years of damage is done. I will take responsibility for not speaking up sooner. Sorry I was a bit distracted with other things like being supportive of my WH's mental breakdown and ensuing financial issues, raising two small dcs, and managing some significant and costly projects that my husband was very demanding about as well. I was just stupidly *hoping* that things would magically get better after one fire was put out. But there always seems to be another fire.

CantBeUndone - Our stories are so similar, it's a bit freaky. I feel like you just described my life!

I know. Rite. They are the ones who get mad at us. I think they get mad because they got caught. I have always been faithful.

CantBeUndone - Our stories are so similar, it's a bit freaky. I feel like you just described my life!

Same here.

I often felt resentful that if only he'd been more attentive when I asked him and when I highlighted our problems, I never would have had the A and let myself down the way I did. It's anger at myself that I resorted to having an A when my H could've stopped it.

So, it's blame shifting, as accepting it was ALL me and my choices means also accepting that I'm weak, that I didn't have the strength to walk away then and so I cake ate instead.

Now I have the strength to walk away if things don't improve. The irony here is that I thought my AP was treating me so much better that my H. The fog can be so intensely thick.

This thread is now closed off to BS replies as the question originally posed can only be answered by a WS.

Trying33, this:

So, it's blame shifting, as accepting it was ALL me and my choices means also accepting that I'm weak, that I didn't have the strength to walk away then and so I cake ate instead.

Now I have the strength to walk away if things don't improve. The irony here is that I thought my AP was treating me so much better that my H. The fog can be so intensely thick.

My BS said to me the other day, "You were weak before and you'll be weak again." That was one of the hardest things he's said to me. The angry outbursts I can take, but that statement cut me to the core because he was right! I was weak. I should've said no. Even if we were going to get divorced, I should've waited until we actually WERE divorced. I told him he was right and all I can say now is that I'll spend the rest of my life proving that I can be strong. And when I'm feeling weak, I will lean on him and no one else.

And totally agree about thinking how well the AP was treating me. Having to go back and tell my BS exactly what happened, we were both able to see how awful he treated me. I'm not sure if that's made it better or worse for my BS. On the one hand I think he's happy I was treated badly, I deserved it! On the other, I was willing to throw away our whole life for someone who treated me like dirt. That's hard.

cantbeundone.. I kinda envy that you can at least discuss these things with your BH. My H refuses to talk about my A and would rather believe it never happened, although in terms of the whole being "weak" thing, he has mentioned that he feels sad that he's married to a woman who hasn't totally become an adult yet. A woman who acts out when she doesn't get what she wants.

I'm working on making myself attractive again and I don't mean physically, I mean being strong and independent and funny and witty like I used to be. Being kind and thoughtful like I used to be.

The assertive me who asked for better communication and more connection became a whiney and clingy, demanding me as I constantly felt unheard so just kept repeating myself. My H tuned out. I went elsewhere.

The resentment still seeps in when I start to think he MADE me all whiney because he never listened and zoned out. Then I come on to SI and get a healthy dose of "it was YOU not him" and I actively try to work on myself and my why's. That's why I love SI.. people on here make me accountable and that's something I can't do for myself right now.