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Sorry, double post. Don't know what happened there!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 7:41 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Broken - I'm sorry. :( Yesterday was a bad day here too.

This is the crux of it. My BH is the distancer and also the one that has been betrayed. It doesn't seem like he's at a point where he can work towards changing this (I say seem because I have to interpret his behaviour as he doesn't talk to me about the A). In the meantime, I continue pursuing and so the cycle continues.

This is exactly what I'm dealing with. I am at a total loss as to what to do. My BH has said he's not interested in going to IC or MC because he finds them useless. He already knows what they're going to say. (To be fair, he's been to a couple sessions of both in the past, but not imo enough to give either a fair shot) He's also asked me to stop going to IC because he thinks it's a waste of time and money. He's not interested in talking about or working on our marriage right now. I can understand that as DD was only 1/10. I guess all I can do is continue to work on myself and wait and hope.

The scariest part to me is that he'll decide to stay. He'll have performed a cost/benefit analysis in his head (he's a super logical guy) and decide it doesn't make sense to leave. But he won't actually want to work on the marriage. We'll go back to him being totally emotionally unavailable and me back to being lonely and miserable. I don't want to go back there but don't know how to avoid it either.

Also interesting about the pursuer/distancer model is that pre A, BS was always the distancer. In the months leading up to the A, I began detaching from him and the roles flipped. He was the pursuer and wanted to talk about the relationship and I had zero interest. Now we've flipped back again. It does feel like a never ending cycle.

We are in very similar situations. My BH is willing to talk about the effects of the A, how he is feeling but nothing else. He doesn't ask questions, he doesn't want to know about it at all. I am beginning to realise it is too soon for him to discuss the 'why'.

We're in limbo, he doesn't know whether to stay or go. My role as the pursuer has become more entrenched since I confessed the A and he (naturally) is distancing. It will be hard to break the cycle.

EXACTLY!!! I asked BH if he wanted to talk last night and he said why? There's nothing to talk about. At first he asked a lot of questions, piecing together the time line, what happened when. Now that he knows all that, it's been pretty quiet. He said I can ask you again how you could do that, and you'll apologize again. And I'll ask how you could think that it was worth throwing away our marriage for you and you'll say you're sorry. What's the point?

Like I said, I feel like all I can do is wait and hope. I feel totally aimless, like I'm looking for something, ANYTHING, I can do to make a difference, but there's nothing, so I do the laundry.

can'tbeundone and broken.. I hear you and I relate. I'm a year on and our stories are similar. All I can say is make yourself strong and safe. Work on your own strategies for now. I've got myself a job and have moved country since my A ended. All things I needed to change to empower myself and gain back some control of my life.

Pursuing = building up resentment.

In a vain attempt to stop pursuing these past few days, I have started reading a book and it has helped me focus on something other than my distanced H. Sounds simple, but reading has allowed me to enjoy something and stop obsessing about how cold and disconnected my H is. Sure enough, he is catching an earlier flight home tonight so he can spend a few hours with me and the kids before bedtime.

Maybe I just need to keep my mouth shut and see what happens.

I stopped pursuing during my A and this just resulted in stale mate.

Who knows?!

ps. loved this:

I'm looking for something, ANYTHING, I can do to make a difference, but there's nothing, so I do the laundry.

but there's nothing, so I do the laundry.

Me too! I do the laundry, do the school run, play with the kids, cook dinner. I carry on as normal while we both hurt inside.

As a persuer, I want to reach out to him, talk about it but sometimes he's so cold and I don't blame him! Like your BH, mine also says there's nothing to talk about, he's already told me how he's feeling so what's the point.

Carry on with your IC. It is important to heal yourself, no matter what the outcome with your BH.

It is a good sign that he is still in the house and isn't making any permanent decisions at the moment. Keep working on yourself and in time he will see the benefits of counselling.

Limbo sucks, I know EXACTLY how you're feeling but don't give up hope.

((((((CantBeUndone)))))

Sure enough, he is catching an earlier flight home tonight so he can spend a few hours with me and the kids before bedtime

.

That's great! Enjoy your time together

Reading is a good idea, I'm going to try that. Beats staring at the telly in the evening, not really watching what's on.

Those are good tools for recovery - reading, laundry, not giving up and most of all letting go. Wario mentioned that earlier - find the links that bind that chain of anger and resentment and let go. It is very hard to do but very necessary. I also came across an idea expressed a long time ago. It can help us when we are called useless and when we see ourselves as horrible-

"Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

Marcus Aurelius

I truly believe we can be better. We are free to do that. I also know how difficult this is for us in each of our unique circumstances. Hang in there and thank you for your thoughts.

Just read a good little article on Releasing Resentment on the littlebuddha.com by Sarah Louise Gess.

(http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-release-and-prevent-resentment-in-your-relationships/)

There is a lot of material there that really resonated with me, I thought I'd share it with you. I cut out the parts that I liked and posted it on my continuing thread "Drastic times..."

Hope this helps,

Wario

The article focuses namely on expressing and communicating emotions that may limit resentment growing.

The problem arises when one expresses as articulately and whole heartedly as possible all the hurts that have accumulated to result in the resentment, and the person whom you're talking to just looks at you in bewilderment and says "are you still not over that"???

I have a lot of unresolved hurts from the first few years of my marriage. Rage and anger that I carry around with me for physically being abandoned and totally unsupported by my H. This resentment runs so deep and is not going away. I have brought it up in MC and ironically used to tell xAP all about it.

I guess I'm desperate for some acknowledgement that he hurt me and was never there for me. I need an apology in order to be able to move on from here. But by the looks of it I'm never going to get it, so how does one move on?

I guess I'm desperate for some acknowledgement that he hurt me and was never there for me. I need an apology in order to be able to move on from here. But by the looks of it I'm never going to get it, so how does one move on?

That's a really good question. I was thinking about that last night. Yesterday was an angry day for my BS. And he started bringing up things that happened 10-13 years ago. Basically saying he can never trust me again and where was I xx night and what was I doing. They aren't things I can even remember at this point. But obviously these are things that's he's held inside for the past 10+ years. Resentment doesn't go away if it's not dealt with. It might get pushed down, but never really goes away.

I don't know if we'll ever get to a point where I can talk about our marriage pre-A and how I was feeling. He's definitely not ready to hear it now which is understandable, but maybe he never will be. I don't know.

I guess I'm desperate for some acknowledgement that he hurt me and was never there for me. I need an apology in order to be able to move on from here. But by the looks of it I'm never going to get it, so how does one move on?

My BH knows how his distancing made me feel. I almost left him because of it. He knows it upset me but I think he's unwilling to admit just how much. If I bring it up he just says "I know what I did wrong, we don't have to talk about it any more." He thinks I should just be over it.

If I said the same about my wrong doings our M would be over.

Have you seen Hope Springs? If not, watch it. I cried the whole time but it's good. There's a line, Meryl Streep's character says....

"He is everything. But I'm really lonely. And to be with someone, when you're not really with him can... I think I might be less lonely, alone."

That sums up the last six years for me.

But, I had an A, which now means any complaints I had about my M are completely unimportant. My wrong doings were worse than his so I have no right to complain.

I try not to be resentful so I just don't think about it. I'm going to use MC to explore my feelings about it all. That feels safer than doing it ourselves.

"He is everything. But I'm really lonely. And to be with someone, when you're not really with him can... I think I might be less lonely, alone."

That's exactly how I felt and have told him that. That I'd rather be alone by myself than alone in a marriage. I wonder sometimes if I really mean that, maybe the reality of being alone alone would be way worse. But I feel like if you're alone there's some hope that maybe one day you won't be, there's still hope. When you're alone and married, there's no hope.

But, I had an A, which now means any complaints I had about my M are completely unimportant. My wrong doings were worse than his so I have no right to complain.

I try not to be resentful so I just don't think about it.

That's exactly how I feel right now.

But I feel like if you're alone there's some hope that maybe one day you won't be, there's still hope. When you're alone and married, there's no hope.

Exactly how I feel. It's a sucky situation to be in

I really hope our MC can help us deal with those issues. I feel, because I'm the WS, I'm not allowed to have a deal breaker but if I'm honest with myself, I do.

I am willing to work on all my issues, make myself into a better person, be open and honest and commit myself fully to my BH and our marriage. But I will not do all that only to continue to live alone like before.

I could never voice this to my BH, not right now. It's too soon, still too raw and he doesn't want to hear it. I need to fix what broke in me, make myself whole again and then work on the pre-A issues in the marriage in MC.

It's a long road, huh? I have hope it will all be worth it in the end though.

I am willing to work on all my issues, make myself into a better person, be open and honest and commit myself fully to my BH and our marriage. But I will not do all that only to continue to live alone like before.

Exactly. We were heading toward divorce before the A. I don't blame him for that. We had a major communication issue and it takes 2 for that. But if we never get to a point where we can work on the issues we had, I'm not sure what the point of being married at all is.

Trying33 - I guess I'm desperate for some acknowledgement that he hurt me and was never there for me. I need an apology in order to be able to move on from here. But by the looks of it I'm never going to get it, so how does one move on?

And what happens if he cannot or will not ever acknowledge this for you? Seriously, what if that never happens? Can you come to terms with it in some manner? Because if you can’t accept this as reality, if you can’t find the words or actions that will convince him or force him into acknowledging this, what then? Will you just live with resentment building up for the next 10-15-20 years?

CantBeUndone - Resentment doesn't go away if it's not dealt with. It might get pushed down, but never really goes away.

Yes, this is so true. When you get into this trap, there is no easy way out if the other person will not or cannot deal with your feelings. And that raises once more, the question that I posed in the paragraph above. What is it never gets dealt with? What then? Do you try to stuff it? Do you find some level of acceptance and move on?

When dealing with some problems recently, it occurred to me that the person I was dealing with was older and stuck in their way of thinking. I had come to realize that I could either continue beating them over the head with a stick trying to change them or else I would be continually angry at them and myself for getting stuck in this unchangeable situation. It seemed like a either or situation but then I realized that way of thinking was part of the problem itself. I had to find a way to think out of the box or else we would be stuck like this forever. I think that IC would be a great place to start the options.

BrokenButTrying - But, I had an A, which now means any complaints I had about my M are completely unimportant. My wrong doings were worse than his so I have no right to complain.

This statement is so wrong. Yes, your affair was wrong but that cannot and should not ever negate the fact that until you are divorced, you are half of the existing marriage. As such, you have every right to bring forth issues that are part of the marriage. Mind you, this has to be done in a manner that is sensitive to the fact that the pre-existing martial problems were not the cause of the affair. However, denying the fact that your marriage has issues will not result in healing either. You have to become assertive in bringing these issues forward and if your BS can’t see that they have to be dealt with, well, you have options. I would suggest reading the 180 in the healing library for suggestions on how to gently force the issue.

When you feel alone in your marriage, then its time for hard decisions. Nobody said it was easy but as sometimes that is the only solution. You can stay in the marriage and be unhappy and resentful or you can seek a life that offers hope.

HUFI

Trytoforgive - As remorseful WS's, it is hard to know when let go of the reins and know that they truly are responsible for their healing, as well. We can stop the bleeding, but we can't give them the will to live, KWIM?

That I'd rather be alone by myself than alone in a marriage. I wonder sometimes if I really mean that, maybe the reality of being alone alone would be way worse. But I feel like if you're alone there's some hope that maybe one day you won't be, there's still hope. When you're alone and married, there's no hope.

I must say it's such a relief reading these words as when I say them and think them I often think I'm crazy and unrealistic.. but I do mean it.. Nice to know I'm not alone.

When I've said these very words to my H, he retorts with "you're in a cuckoo land, you think it's easy bringing up two kids alone, as a single mum?" This stops me in my tracks.. The very effect it's supposed to have I think..

HUFI - Thank you I will deal with the issues, I cannot feel alone any more. But we're only five weeks out from Dday so it still early days. We're in MC so I think that will help.

When I've said these very words to my H, he retorts with "you're in a cuckoo land, you think it's easy bringing up two kids alone, as a single mum?" This stops me in my tracks.. The very effect it's supposed to have I think..

My BH used to say the same. Tell me I was imagining it all, deny there was a problem, call me crazy, insane, suggest I needed to take medication because I was irrational and unstable. My MC says this is gaslighting. BH hasn't said these things for awhile, he admits now there were problems but he won't discuss them. There will be a time for that though.

wario posted a great thead on resentment on page 6 of the Drastic times call for drastic measures thread ..http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=517429&AP=101

Will you just live with resentment building up for the next 10-15-20 years?

This is my fear and probably my reality.

I really don't know the answer to that question right now, although I realise it was probably rhetorical.

We'll go back to him being totally emotionally unavailable and me back to being lonely and miserable. I don't want to go back there but don't know how to avoid it either.

Also interesting about the pursuer/distancer model is that pre A, BS was always the distancer. In the months leading up to the A, I began detaching from him and the roles flipped. He was the pursuer and wanted to talk about the relationship and I had zero interest. Now we've flipped back again. It does feel like a never ending cycle.

Welcome to my life, ladies.

Although it wouldn't be fair for me to go so far as to say I'm "miserable." Not true. I do feel lonely, but I'm not miserable about it anymore. Nor am I resentful (which I guess makes my reply a t/j to the original question of the thread). I can't be resentful of something I've chosen on purpose (we're not married anymore; no obligation to be together or "try").

What stood out to me, though, is the second part of what was quoted above. Our relationship went through a pursuer/distancer cycle as well. At the beginning, he was very much emotionally available and involved in the relationship. We got married after just 1 year of dating (mistake! danger, Will Robinson!) and then some things happened at work that caused a lot of strain for both of us. He distanced himself emotionally. I did become resentful then. I had an affair. He divorced me. After the divorce (and after I got over being a sniveling wreck) I wouldn't say I was blissfully happy, but I felt peaceful. I finally felt like I wasn't trying to "chase" something unattainable (communication and emotional intimacy with XH).

So when we got back together, he actually asked for it. He said he was over the affair. He said he knew he wanted to change some things about himself---not "for me", but for him, because he didn't like the way he was. We had many discussions before we officially started dating again---some about my issues (including the affair), some about his issues. We did 2 sessions of MC, after which the counselor pronounced us "cured" and basically fired us, and almost immediately things were right back to the way they were 5 years ago, when the trouble with communication started.

Him being this way had nothing to do with my having an affair. I've never used it as an excuse and I haven't changed my mind on that. I would have cheated with that guy even if my XH had been 180 degrees the other way. I would have cheated with that guy even if I'd been married to someone else---anyone else.

I've tried really hard over the past several years to lower my expectations. And I think I've reached a point of acceptance. He is who he is; his good qualities outweigh the bad; and I know there is plenty about me he'd prefer was different also. I don't have the monopoly on that. But sometimes I still get so frustrated. Still a work in progress; our relationship still heavily under construction.