I'm relatively new here, so this may have been done before (why is there no search function?) so I apologize in advance if I rehash/repeat. I'm also completely open to being told I am completely wrong. Is it possible to remain sex positive after having been betrayed?? Have any of you?
Here is what is going on in my head:
I think the language sometimes used here, specifically regarding sex/PAs, may impede recovering/surviving the infidelity. While I am only a few months out, I feel there are sexist/shaming undertones that carry over into what could otherwise be productive interactions. Several of the books and articles I've read have started with definitions of terms as well as explicit discussion regarding why the author chose those terms. For example, infidelity vs. adultery vs. betrayal. etc...
In my experience, of the three main emotions (anger/sad/happy) anger is the biggest initial emotion I felt as a BS, followed by sadness. I believe anger is incredibly valid and important to feel. I believe the anger is healthy. I believe anger is the first step in recovering from and surviving the fallout of infidelity.
However, I am not good at expressing or dealing with my anger. I am in fact terrible at processing and expressing my anger. I do not like the person I am when I am angry and I am working on this.
In another post I confessed I frequently regress into a sarcastic (usually passive-aggressive) asshole. To say this impedes conversation is an understatement.
In my case, I am not violent but I frequently use my words to express the anger, and when/if motivated I try to twist my verbal knives to hurt more. My IC has referred to this as verbal aggression and verbal violence. To clarify, I do not threaten physical violence or damage but instead through IC, I've realized I try to impart the pain that I am feeling. To this end sometimes I will knowingly exploit my WWs internal fears. While it does indeed cause pain, instead of evoking empathy I get wrath and resentment.
I attach my anger to the words I choose during these periods.
My biggest regret during confrontation, was calling my WW a whore and I completely meant it when I said it.
She has and always has had extremely poor self esteem, and I did more damage with that one word than perhaps anything else I could have done. I regretted it immediately and I've apologized for it. Despite this, when we've fought she has stated "Whatever, I know you think I'm just a whore!" I finally stopped this by interrupting her during one of these tirades to inquire if money had actually changed hands. WW was temporarily stupefied by this and hasn't repeated it since. Whore is a derogatory noun for a prostitute. I do not believe my WW to be a prostitute. I wish I hadn't used the term. Slut is the other term that I see frequently used. It is a pejorative for woman who are sexual. I don't think a sexual woman is a bad thing. Both are sexist terms that have recently been adapted to address men as well (man-whore/man-slut). I believe these words still carry these undertones and they are especially multiplied when expressed with anger.
While I regret my word choice, I also know that it is entirely normal. I do not intend to shame those who have used derogatory words, especially in angry moments. I know everyone here is working on themselves. At this point for me, and in my opinion, holding on to and continuing to use these terms requires holding on to the anger behind them. If reconciliation is being pursued, I think this anger would be detrimental to forward progress.
My logic is this; Affair behavior if the WS was not already in a committed relationship is typically called 'dating.'
I was advised by friends, parents, siblings, acquaintances and even clergy to:
"Play the field," "See what's out there," "Sow my wild oats," etc...
These are simply socially accepted ways of saying date/sleep around.
If flirting causes road side fire crackers of dopamine and serotonin and all the other chemicals to be released, sex can be the full professional fireworks display.
And why not? Sex is fun, healthy and normal. Being a sexual being makes one human.
Sex is the closest people can get to each other and when trust is involved you can achieve true intimacy.
To that end, I do not think sex itself is wrong in any capacity.
Personally, I do not care what straight/bi/gay consenting adults do with one another.
I recognize there are open/polyamorous/monogamous/etc... and they are all types of relationships where people are cheated on.
Any relationship has to exist with communication and rules. If either is broken, so is the relationship.
To me, that is where the line is drawn. Informed consent. The lack of consent is what is killing me. The lack of honesty.
Numerous posters have come to say that the sex doesn't bother them, the deception does. I believe that is what I am realizing too.
My WW is not a whore. I do not wish to label her a slut either.
I want my WW to enjoy sex. I wanted her to enjoy it with me and I did my best to make that happen.
I do not condone what happened, nor am I trying to justify any of the affair behavior.
I do want to use more accurate words that actually highlight where my problems lie.
She is broken. She is a liar. She is a cheater. She is manipulative.
She is weak. She made horrible choices. She was incredibly reckless and lacked judgement.
She lost her integrity. She may be an addict. She has problems.
I think APs are likely the same. Perhaps I am far too optimistic...?
However, after the betrayal, how can I stay sex positive when sex itself has become a trigger? HB ended a while ago. We barely touch now.
If we R or D, I am concerned future relations will be affected.
I've realized if I stick to pejorative derogatory terms my WW will only hear my anger, and I won't move past it.
If I can say what I am actually feeling and pinpoint where my problems lie, we might be able to address them.
I apologize if I may have rattled off topic here; Is it possible to remain sex positive after having been betrayed?? Have any of you?
[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 6:56 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]