SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sick of hearing people calling a person a "good person" or they respect them, because that person helped them out. Just because a person is a teacher, or a nurse, or a military member, or whatever...does not mean they have good character. Heck, we all thought we knew our significant other, and we found out how wrong we were with that one.

So now I find myself correcting people (probably driving them crazy) with "well they did a nice thing, but don't assume they are a nice person...just saying".

If we don't know the person we sleep with, know such intimate things about, and can list every mark on their body...quit assuming you know the character of anyone else.

You raise a fair point, but I sense lots of pain to be dealt with still. For we may never know a person's character but should we cast them off as not good or should we label and treat them as good until they prove us wrong. In order to determine their character would take a long time for them to open up and reveal to us but we all should be able to appreciate individuals that we see serving as doing good things.

AMEN!!!!

I have worked with plenty of Nurses, and Dr's who personal character would make your skin crawl, and fearful of them providing your care.

Just yesterday on the news there was a story about a "nurse" stealing Morphine from patients in a nursing home. Yah she's a great person of strong moral character......

That just makes me sick to think someone was left suffering in pain because she was stealing their meds.

There are great people that have jobs that are not considered honorable, and there people who have honorable professions that are just scum.

AMEN! I agree. My WH is a pillar of the community. He does his job awesomely. Retired USMC vet that went to war in Iraq. Decorated. Semper Fidelis is his motto - for all but his marriage. He will fall from grace if this comes out - all the truth that is. If he sprinkles lies and such, he may save face...

But anyone can be despicable.......

I guess I'm naive or just being a Libra, but I still prefer to believe that someone is good until they prove to me otherwise. A basically good person can occasionally fall from grace. My philanderer XS/O has done many, many good deeds; his treatment of me during his As were not among them.

I think we need to assume we don't know them. When we meet someone, we take in what information is given to us, by their actions and words. But we can't assume they are "good". For example, I've never just assumed a babysitter is a good person. I talk to them, check references, and watch them interact with my kids. But even when I think they check out enough to take care of my child for the evening, I'm still not going to let my guard down. Why? Because I know not everyone is as they appear.

So as much as I'd like to make assumptions with "strangers", I can't. You're right about the pain. It's there. But I don't think it's my reason for feeling this way. It goes back quite far. I remember as a kid seeing other kids be nice to someone's face, and behind their backs, they said horrible things about them.

I'm very careful who I call a friend these days. I believe in forgiveness and I do think people can change. I also believe there are many many good people in this world. I just admit I can't tell who they are, with the exception of those I've known for a while and closely. Every since the A's in my life, it's become a serious irritation of mine, when people I know so freely toss around the description of being "good" or "respectful", when they know nothing of them.

The OW is a minister's daughter who also has her MDiv. She has worked as a youth minister, which is creepy considering my H's IC said she had perfected the art of grooming and seduction somewhere as well as the art of using the counseling role to find weaknesses in others. She now works at a missional charity. Still the do gooder everyone thinks is a saint. She actually delivered the homily one Sunday morning and rode my H like a horse that night. Yep, just a saint.

I think people are highly complex - very few of us "all good" or "all bad". People can be compassionate to their clients/patients/employees/little old ladies trying to cross the street - and yet lie to themselves to justify having an A, delude themselves that their own family somehow 'deserves' the shit sandwich they're serving. I once worked with someone that EVERYONE admired - including myself for a long tiime. Did this person do good, helpful things for people? Yes, absolutely. It was shocking to learn of multiple A's, and how he justified with blameshifting to his W.

I absolutely agree with this.

In fact, I assume everyone is out for themselves because that has definitely been my recent experience.

Unfortunately, it's really altered my view of the world.

Sadly, I never believe anyone at face value. Years of being betrayed by loved ones has done this to me. I get so pissed at my H when he will say so and so was a "good person." He actually said that about his first ONS - the girl at the bar. I lost it. Yes, this girl, who knew you were married and yet went to a hotel and had sex with you, is a good person because she sat and told you about herself and you believe everything she said. WTH? Then, OW#2 was also a "good person." OMG. Just because people are nice to you in front of you DOES NOT MAKE THEM "GOOD." Behind closed doors is always more telling.

Thank you TS!!!

My WH was in the military when he had sex with a bunch of hookers. So did all the guys in his squadron, save one decent Sergent. From the officers on down, it was not only done, but encouraged. One officer, when he found out that they were going to be on base lockdown, actually paid the whores to come to the base of the men. It was a group of morally repugnant dirtbags.

That being said, I don't assume all military people are like that. All the ones I met were, but that doesn't mean that all of them are. The one Sergent who wasn't a scumbag proved that. But I also roll my eyes every time someone starts talking about the "heroes" because just doing a job doesn't make you a hero.

We just had a doctor here in our area suspended due to misconduct (sexual, among other things). I had seen him a few times. I was with my last WBF, and it was his family doctor. My XWBF loved him (herd mentality?). I couldn't stand the man. I changed the children's doctor as soon as I saw how he performed a physical on the children (or lack of performing). But of course to my ex, he was great. Guess he was educated this week when he read the front page newspaper.

My XWH was in the military. I also worked in a military office. I saw the same things you wrote about, dameia. It's sad. I think today, it's one of the strong points that's fueled my opinions about being too quick to assume character.

I've sat by and watched so many people keep quiet when they hear about someone cheating or abusing a spouse, or children. Their reasoning:

"He/she's such a nice person though"

"I don't think we have the whole story"

"Yeah, but do you see how his/her wife treats him"

"I don't believe they did that without justification"

"Yeah, but what did their spouse do"

So the good acts make it harder for people to stand up to them when they do wrong.

Sad...

I used to assume the good in people now the A has changed my perception to glass half full. Mine too did a stellar job on the work front and likableness/ charm. Everyone loved him. I told him he gets an A in work and and F in family not to mention an A plus in looking out for himself. Classic wolf in sheep's clothing. Of course there must be those who are an A plus all around but ill never be so nieve again because I have been fooled on such a heinous level. The nice guy factor...so deceiving!

Agree... In my case the OM is a police officer, a profession generally, and rightly, often held in high regard.

The OM is a super creep (Cheating on his wife and four young kids)and all the while posing for romantic and family Instragram pictures with his spouse.

We have to be careful, though, not to paint an entire group because of the poor actions of one person.

I wouldn't assume someone is good if I were the person placing them in a position of any authority, either. Trust but verify.

The last prostitute kept telling H that he was a good person because he taught her and got her through an difficult exam. Made him think he was wonderful, but he was merely doing his job. She didn't know a thing about him other than that. But what an ego stroke, and he sucked it up.

She didn't have the brains or the language skills for an intelligent conversation. Just kept telling him what a good person he was....um.....he was a married man, doing what a good married man shouldn't have been doing....good man at the time? I think not.

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 12:42 PM, February 7th (Friday)]