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I'm hurting tonight, did she ever love me? I refuse to believe that she never loved me, we said I love you every day of our marriage. Now she blames me for when we always got back together, my only crime was trusting her. I always felt loved, right up until I found out about the affairs, I felt loved, and then like a switch was flipped it was gone.

I understand that it's over, that we can't fix multiple affairs, that what we had is gone. But to suggest that what we had never existed, that's hurtful beyond compare.

[This message edited by Midas at 8:33 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

(((Midas)))

I'm sorry.

It hurts so badly, doesn't it?

We are with you.

(((Midas)))

I'm sorry you are hurting tonight. I've asked myself this question many times over. I always felt loved as well and I thought our marriage was great. It took lots of therapy for me to see that our marriage was seriously flawed and I was being used. It's hard to tell what these people feel. I don't think my xh ever loved me. I think he used me until he got all he could out of me and then he ditched me. He is too busy loving himself to be able to love anyone else.

((((Midas)))) It's so very common (and so terribly hurtful) for the remorseless wayward to rewrite history to suit them and "justify" their actions.

I'm sorry you are hurting. You know the truth of your life. You know. Don't let her take your truth away from you.

Midas, I agree with the above comments... You DO know your truth.... don't let her fog taint what you already know.

IMO she is trying to numb the pain she is going through from the D by downplaying what you guys actually had..... for some this is an automatic response.....

I'm so sorry you're hurting, too. Seriously don't know what these people are thinking. ((((((hugs))))))

Oh ((Midas)). I felt that way on Tuesday when I met with stbxh for the first time since D-day and D filing. He acted to hateful, so nasty - that I couldn't figure out what was going on. HE wanted the meeting, so I gave it to him, and HE was hateful from the moment we walked into the coffeehouse. He acted like I was something on the bottom of his shoe that he had to deal with, rather than the mother of his children, the person who loved him for 22 years, the person who tried to take care and protect him since I met him. He spent time with me and DDs on the night before he decided to leave, watching videos on our phones, laughing and talking like there was nothing the matter. He kissed me goodbye that morning and showed up that afternoon in my office to tell me he was leaving.

Yes! You are damn right it hurts! And we don't deserve it, no matter how "bad" anyone thought our marriage was. There should have been conversation, attempts to fix problems, and love exchanged throughout the lead up to the leaving, and not hate filled nastiness toward us as if WE were doing something wrong while THEY leave!

I'm sorry for your pain. I am sorry for everyone who has to endure this tragedy and heartache because they fell in love and committed to someone who turned into something different than they were.

Take care of yourself.

Midas,

I have been trying to find an article for the last hour from this past fall, in the NY times that talked about how the rewritten marriage is one of the hardest parts of this for BSs. I can't find it, but it talked about how the wayward is able to control the marriage history for themselves. They create the timeline and understand how they got from point a to b. Their sense of what they believe to be real stays intact. The betrayed spouse only understands a, is thrust into b, and usually never understand everything in between. And that's where we are.

I think for me, part of the healing has been the acceptance that there is a lot that I am not going to understand, and my sense of self has nothing to do with her. Whatever the reason your wife did what she did, it was her own selfish reason. She probably did love you (point a). But it's everything in between that you need to learn to let go. For me the turning point was my wife saying I was a bad caregiver. I was confident enough to know how blatantly unreal that statement was, and how skewed her reality had become. What are you confident in? What can you look at and say, that was real, and she can't take that away from me? What can you look at in your marriage with pride?

It will be ok.

It's a very cruel, low valley to slog through, the one you get dumped in when you realize your spouse quite possibly never did value you or even love you. It's hard to face that you were living in a completely different reality than they were. It can even be frightening to realize you didn't know that person you had in your home, in your bed.

You'll get through this. You won't be the same when it's done, but you'll get through it. We all have.

Brother. Breathe deep and know you are not alone. I often think the same. Often ! Stay strong. I'm sorry.

Back to the basics. Her A has NOTHING to do with you!!! Bottom line, unless she was a sociopath, yep, she probably did have those feelings for you. For whatever reason(FoO, CSAB, whatever) her coping mechanisms make an affair an acceptable response to her. It's hard, but

Don't

Ever

Try

And

Change

Her

Detach brother. Change can only come from within. If she's not willing and proactive, you can't help. Best you can do is to save you. Work on the things you have control over. (That's you btw)

Sorry you are hurting. It does get better.

Strength

I'm sorry Midas. It is a huge blow to take.

Here is the article kg mentioned. I also found it very reassuring. It really acknowledges how hard it is to reframe old memories.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?_r=0

For my part, I hold my head high knowing my love was real. And I do think despite the betrayals that his was too--it just wasn't on the same level as my love. KWIM?

It takes a long time to figure out if you can continue to cherish any fond memories or if you think they were all a lie. Once the deep pain of now fades, I think you can easier believe that it was real when it happened, and that she is re-writing history but cannot change the fact that it happened and had worth.

So sorry you are hurting. I can relate to your feelings 100%. I wish I could help you to feel better. :(

I feel 100% the same as you Midas. It's hard, I even asked myself the exact same thing last night. I choose to believe that something snapped and she changed. There must have been love within the 9 years we were a couple.

I'm sorry you are hurting. It is that question that makes me lose the most sleep. It is horrible. I really don't know how people can be so cruel. Take care of yourself tonight.

Oh ... this thread is just killin' me .. I mean reading it, reading each poster's thoughts and feelings I so, so relate. It makes me so f'ing pissed for each and every one of us BS ... and so sorry for all those WS ... who had a good thing but were more willing to go OUTSIDE the marriage rather than put the time and effort into improving the marriage and making it f'ing amazing!! I just read somewhere about finding out about a big secret (not infidelity) and asking the spouse 'how did you hide it from me' .. the answer "A LOT OF WORK" - wtf?? Why put that much time and effort into HIDING something rather than working on what you have??? Seriously? I guess I just don't get it ... and never will ... thank goodness!